The Unwanted Visitor

I can't make any promises about not writing about this again a few times before June. It's my 10 year out of the cult into the real world anniversary coming up. I feel really good these days. My friends say I look great again, not the way I used to, all skinny and sick. I can honestly say I'm happy.

I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.

Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.

The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.

I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.

At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.

This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)

If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul

Sullivan out.

Me & Max

Have I told you that I want to get a dog? I've been waiting, out of respect and sadness of Cats passing before deciding how I wanted to move forward. It's been over a year now and I think she'd understand that it's time for me to move on. I still miss her. Her photo and urn will always be in a special place where I can see her every day. But I'm an animal lover and I don't like coming home to an empty apartment. 

Not like I've had to for quite some time now. My friends make jokes about how this space is "Margaux's hostel" because people are always passing through. In the spring it was my girlfriend, she and her boyfriend broke up and she needed a place to crash. It was perfect actually, she worked a lot of nights, I work days and we each had our alone time in the apartment. When we were home together, if we felt like having a glass of wine and chatting, we did. If we felt like being on our own, we'd just put in earphones and watch our own shows on our laptop/ipad. She left a lot of long, red hair in the bathroom but I loved having her around. One day I came home to a half finished bottle of wine and it had a note on it that just said: "Don't judge, just enjoy."

Then it was my ex-boyfriend. He needed a place to stay between apartments so I said, sure, you can move in. The next night my brother showed up, he needed a place to stay between apartments too. He brought his own couch and we all worked it out. 

Next came The Jailbird. I bailed my friend out (long story, don't worry he's lovely it's all just a stupid mistake) not realizing that when you bail someone out of jail they have to come live with you. With their two cats. The kitty litter smell used to bother me until I took possession of a puppy. Then the puppy pee smell took over. 

Some people I know got a puppy and realized they couldn't take care of him. They called me on New Years Day, asking me if I'd take care of him for awhile until they found a new owner. 

He's so sweet. Gorgeous dog actually, he's a Cane Carso. I'd keep him but he's going to weigh more than me soon. He's about 5 months old and still very much a puppy. He thinks he's a lapdog even though he's enormous and likes to climb onto my lap and put his paws on my shoulders. He sleeps on top of me in bed and has almost completely mastered the art of going to the bathroom outside. He knows a few tricks, he's a quick learner. 

If you know any serious families looking for their forever dog, please contact me by posting a comment below. Max is super special and deserves a loving home. If you met him, you'd be as madly in love as I am. 

Sullivan out.