The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

The Gift of Imperfection

My "Big Love" made a lot of promises to me after my life blew up. He used to say we'd get a house on the beach - at one point he was looking at private islands for sale because hell, we didn't need anyone else but us. We'd buy those kitchen counters that were actually just cutting boards because we loved to cook together. He said we would adopt a puppy who was "as perfectly imperfect as we were". Had I known I couldn't trust him I probably would have made different choices. Or would I have? Probably not, I was too in love. Would those different choices have been the right ones either? There's no way of knowing. 

The mistakes I've made along the way have been my mistakes. It was actually pretty liberating to finally be allowed to make mistakes, for the first time in my life having no one to tell me what to do. It was scary, exhausting, stressful. Most of the time I went with my gut. 

As a Jehovah's Witness there are no choices, no freedom, no independent thought. The constant stress of striving to achieve perfection will wear you down, eventually. My good friend and previous mentor, Stuart always said "Perfection is the enemy of the good". Good was never good enough for me in the past, but it is now. 

I think that's why I fell in love with Big, so hard, so fast. In my JW life I always had to be better, work harder, sacrifice more. With him, I was perfectly imperfect and felt completely loved regardless of that. I'd never felt that before - it was the greatest feeling in the world. 

As you know, I got sucker punched by a bout of depression two weeks ago due to yet another family shunning drama episode. If you've ever dealt with depression you know how quickly and strongly it can walk in your door and beat you down again, even if you've been doing great. But now I have a really good bounce back time. I have the tools, the support and the love to as Taylor Swift would say "Shake it off". (Y'all know I love Taylor) :)

Family can be both a blessing and a curse. We know too much about each other, we expect too much from each other, sometimes we try too hard to control each other. 

Some of my family though has always supported my vision of where I wanted to go now, even when I didn't know where that was. They have unselfishly been there for me through thick and thin. Celebrated my accomplishments, held my hand when I cried. Without my aunts, uncles and Grandma down here in Nova Scotia, would I have weathered all these storms over the past five years? 

Maybe. But I wouldn't have come out of each of them feeling stronger, more sure of the decisions I've made, more determined to be more like them. Most importantly, they love imperfect Margaux and do everything they can - not to fix me - not to make me into who they want me to be. But to guide me. To listen to me. To distract me with cute animals, delicious meals and lovely wine. 

Someone asked me on my last blog "where is home?". Home is here with them. Home is in Toronto. Without this home to come to though, the other home wouldn't feel quite so important.

Don't get me wrong, they're not perfect either. NONE OF US ARE!! Imperfection, I truly believe is a gift. It gives us targets, something to aim for, a feeling of accomplishment when we hit them. Kindness, compassion and being committed to always do your best, to help those in need where you can, to show people dignity and respect no matter how far they may have fallen and what mistakes they have made? That is unconditional love. That's the target. 

Within (I want to say minutes but it was probably days) I was coming home - all arrangements made for me by my favorite uncle. And it was the right thing for me. To just say yes, I'll come, pack a suitcase and get the hell out of my most recent personal nightmare. Come home and light some fires, dig out some snowstorms, spend time with the people I need the most right now. 

The thing about nightmares is...we wake up. Then we see the world and the people in it for all the beauty they add to the Universe. I feel very, very grateful, very, very happy. I'm ready to go home (the other home) on Friday and slip back into the extremely happy, successful place I was in not so long ago.  

Thank you a million times to these people who have always been loyal, always been loving and always had my back. It still feels like home to me here and it always will. 

PS - Big: I finally have that perfectly, imperfect puppy. You would have liked him. :)

Sullivan out. 

*Grandma and me*