But ten years isn't bad. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life. I read Leah Remini's book last weekend and good on her. She's a celebrity so she can reach way more people than I can and she's getting the word out there. Cults are bad. End of story.
This world is crazy and it's just getting crazier. Trump ... what can I say? That guy in New Zealand reveres him. What that guy did to that community? There are no words. New Zealand is right though. Love always wins over hate, eventually. Maybe we'll never get to a place where it is open and common, but there's enough of us who want to get there, we'll die trying.
I pride myself on love over hate, but I did hate the Jdubs. Hate isn't a strong enough word for how I felt. Not just for me and everyone else they've affected but for what I lost. Maybe they aren't as bad as the Scientologists but I do believe all cults are essentially the same. They use the same mind control techniques. Maybe those guys do take people into secret places and physically torture them. What the JWs do is enough mental, emotional and spiritual torture though to make you take yourself to those dark places and beat yourself to death. Literally.
What was I without them? At least Leah's family chose her over the cult. My mom, my sister, what was I without being that safe harbour for my family every time someone fucked up and needed to start over? Needed money, needed a place to live, needed someone to talk to. What was I without my purpose in life "saving" all those people who didn't know they needed Jehovah? What was I without my tall handsome husband? All my psycho morals. Without being an elders wife? Without sacrificing anything and everything I wanted to contribute to the greater good?
I'll tell you what I was. All of that stripped away? I was nothing.
Less than nothing. I was negative nothing.
I'm not even supposed to be here anymore, which is why I wake up every day so grateful for life. I had to learn an unforgettable lesson. You can take a broken, beat up heart and turn it around. Without resorting to weapons and hurting innocent people like that guy did. You're a disaster, that's on you. Maybe there were people who put you there, it's a delicate balance. I have the utmost respect for people who survive trauma and abuse. Maybe you can go through that destructive phase, or maybe you're better than that (I'm not) and don't need to. If you do go through that, hurt yourself, not other people. Even though, as I know well, when you hurt yourself you hurt the people who love you. If you're super lucky, they're still there when you turn it around and prouder of you than ever for doing that.
I care about my job, I probably have the best job now that I'll ever have. I'm almost done an MBA, but I know those things on their own are not what makes you happy on the inside. I remember the day my new life really started. I was alone for a year. When they kicked me out I had NO friends. Cults set it up that way so you can never leave. I lived with my brother that year but he's "challenged" when it comes to caring about anyone other than himself so I was alone.
One day, things changed. I went to a holiday lunch at work. I sat next to this girl who struck up a conversation. She told me later that after that, she just decided after that we were going to be friends. She's gay, so JW Margaux could never have been her friend. We're so judge-y. But I was desperate. It taught me that if someone could decide consciously to love me in the state I was in then, I had have been wrong my whole life in how I judged people. Trust me, if you're not JW and one of them is nice to you, they are trying to convert you. There are no outside friends.
Almost nine years later besides Jay, she's still my best friend. She's my rock star, she got married and had two kids. I'm still of the opinion, if it ain't broke, don't marry it. And kids seem like a lot of work. I'll never say never though.
Her and Jay? They're both insane and decided they were going to love me before I decided I was gonna love me. I swear to the Universe, I wouldn't be here today without Liz and Jay. I was ready to give up so many times, but they wouldn't let me. The first time it was Liz, broke into my apartment and saved me from myself. Last time, it was Jay. I was so ready for it to just be over. But he looked so sad about it, even though I was so happy, that I was like fine, I'll get better then. There were lots of times between the first and the last, but that's over now.
You let everything go of everything, and magically, you finally get everything you ever wanted. So, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation to me, trust your gut and these new people you don't trust yet and hand the wheel to someone else. They will get you home safe.
By the way, I know who I am now. I'm still not the girl who hates people. I still love as much as I used to. I do however, know my boundaries. If you don't hear from me for a week cause I'm at work and studying and being alone with my dog reading books, don't take it personally. I'm good at the things I do. I'm educated now, and if any cults come knocking, I'm not interested.
I like this picture. I'm wearing the necklace my grandma got me for my birthday. I'm looking at Jay. He thinks it's the saddest thing in the world I didn't have holidays growing up in the cult and he tries to make them all so special to make up for that. I always say no cake, he always gets a cake.
Leah says in her book that people try to understand but unless you've been raised in a cult, you don't really understand. She's goddamn right. You don't. But there are people who try to understand you, that's much more work for them so appreciate it. Pray for ones we lose. Make your life matter. Let your voice be heard. Never forget, every day, we're lucky if we're still here. :)
Sullivan out.
You are very special and I wish you all the best always. From your friend in PEI xoxo
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