The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

The Unwanted Visitor

I can't make any promises about not writing about this again a few times before June. It's my 10 year out of the cult into the real world anniversary coming up. I feel really good these days. My friends say I look great again, not the way I used to, all skinny and sick. I can honestly say I'm happy.

I feel like Margaux 2.0, just ten years older and a bit more weathered. That doesn't mean however that I won't have relapses. I've been through a lot of change this past year. I feel it's helping me grow, but people worry about me when I feel down. My therapist says that once you've been through a major depression it's prone to re-visit.

Sometimes something triggers it, sometimes it's just being tired, sad or frustrated. Sometimes it's because I really miss someone I've lost. I've learned coping skills on how to move ahead when that happens, but that doesn't mean it will stop it from happening once in awhile.

The reason I speak out about it is I feel I'm helping people by breaking the stigma. We could tuck it away in the closet and pretend we're fine all the time but I think that's what makes people crazy. Now my go-to is: Let it out. Cry. Spend a whole day wallowing if you need to. Take a nap. Watch something fun on Netflix. Then wipe your eyes and get up tomorrow knowing it's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. Depression Lies. Tell your unwanted visitor his time is up and he has to leave now.

I've always been a tiny (huge) bit dramatic and that's what us writers and artists are, aren't we? I don't think I'm that dramatic anymore because I feel safe and secure, but I still have those days when I need to focus on self-care. We were going out the other night to watch the Raptors play. On the way there Jay was like "Who's my crazy girl? You are. But you're MY crazy girl". He's right. I can be crazy. I'll go out for a walk and come home with a puppy or a kitten or someone who needs to crash on our couch indefinitely.

At the end of the day, it's refreshing to have someone who loves me not because were in the same cult or they're trying to control what I do, but because they think I deserve to be loved. Who sits with me when I cry sometimes. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and always says "we got this". Who helps me lock the door when my unwanted visitor comes calling. Who shows me I'm so much more than just someone who was raised in a cult, abandoned by most family and friends, who deals with depression every now and then.

This is real love and I know it doesn't happen every day. Whatever you're going through, there are people are out there who will love you regardless. Find your people. You have the power, you just have to believe in that for yourself. The sun is shining again and ps. get a dog :)

If you can't love yourself how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an Amen? *RuPaul

Sullivan out.

Phoenix Rising

In ancient Greek mythology, a phoenix is a bird, that's always reborn. It rises from the ashes of it's predecessor, thanks to a little help from the Sun God.

My girlfriend: This is OUR year! Phoenix rising!

Me: Sure.

In my head, I thought nope. I tell myself every single year, this year will be different. Better. I'll be stronger. Then usually, the Universe tries to kill me again. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I make myself sick. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This last time though, my mentor came to see me in the hospital. I was hooked up to all these tubes and generally miserable and he was like, you're not depressed this time though. I'm really proud of you. I'll tell you a secret: I wasn't depressed because I just didn't care if I died or not this time. To be honest, not the time before that either. Or the time before that.

I know I've let you all down a bit. I keep getting messages asking why I don't write anymore. I guess I just gave up. What's the point of continuing in a fight you know you're never going to win? The Watchtower, like all big corporations, is fueled by money hungry, selfish men who are self-important enough to wield their power without remorse over their loyal, blind subjects. Who obey either out of guilt, fear or just plain brainwashing.

Like any organization, they're not all bad. There are some very, very good, yet terribly misled people amoung them. Some of us used to be those people. Then we woke up. Realized the truth and despite how hard we tried, we couldn't un-learn what we now know.

They are so good at the guilt and fear though, most of us can't say anything out loud against them. For fear of repercussion. Fear of losing our families. All the people we have ever loved.

The Universe reminded me last week that I'm not supposed to shut up. If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I think I've helped a lot of you to quietly get out the smart way. Not the way I did - crash and burn. I promise you though, I'll always be here if you need to talk. I can tell your story if you want me to (anonymously), and some of you have already asked me to do that. I'm sorry I've been absent. I shouldn't be. Unlike most of you, I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore.

The phoenix rises from the ashes. Remember that. We can be re-born and become stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. We just have to go through the fire to get there. It's magic. If you believe in it, you will get there. :)

PS. A phoenix is so much cooler than a blackbird, isn't it??

Sullivan out.

The Ethical Slut

It has been another interesting week. I won't bore/disgust you with the details, but I had a bit of a medical emergency. I'd been having some pretty intense pain for 5 or 6 days, finally on Tuesday, I decided it was getting worse and not better, so I went to see my family doctor. Who took one look at me and sent me straight to Emergency at Mt. Sinai. And just like that, I missed half a week of work. The only thing that didn't hurt like hell was lying on the couch, so unless you count watching 2 seasons of Breaking Bad, I didn't really accomplish anything this week.

I know what you're thinking. Breaking Bad Margaux, really? What happened to Game of Thrones? Well, I have a confession to make. I've realized and already come to terms with the fact that I am polyamorous. That's right. I can love both Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones at the same time. And of course, there is always Dexter, who was my first, and will always be my favorite. I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now in an effort to figure the whole thing out and I'm telling you, those girls would get it.

I can't help but think about how drastically my life has changed since the first time I ended up in Emerg, 4 years ago. I was completely alone, I hadn't had an asthma attack in about 10 years, so I didn't have any medication around when it happened. The stress of being disfellowshipped, of Travis leaving, of the reality of everything that had happened must have pushed me back over the edge. I got to the hospital, and as it ends up, my health card had expired. So they were going to charge me something ridiculous like $400 to see a doctor. I had lost my job, my credit card was maxed, I had no one to call. So I sat alone in the waiting room until it passed. I figured if I couldn't breathe and started to turn blue they'd have to do something. Ethically.

This time though, everything was different. Despite telling him not to, my guy showed up before I even saw a doctor. Took me home, got me groceries. Lizzie was there after work to drop off my computer (ok, I did a little bit of work on the couch).

There were people dropping in, checking up, taking care of me. Now, this is still a novelty to me, always having been the one who took care of everyone else. Even my friend from work would check in everyday, offering to pick up anything I needed. Then, this happened. I got an email from my mother. It was a Watchtower article of course, but I just ignored that and wrote her back and told her what was going on. She offered to bring me dinner. She called my brother and sister and both of them called me last night.

I find it hilarious, this whole situation. For three years, I've been reinstated as a JW and mother and sister wouldn't have anything to do with me. I think they thought it would force me to come around, come back. That's what they teach, you know. Withhold your relationship and your family member will be so sad and lonely, they will have no choice but to come back. Except, I called their bluff. I actually moved on and built a great life, with great people, where I was very happy. Then, I told my story and before it came out in print, I gave them the heads up. I told them what I'd done, that I was an apostate and that I loved them and wanted to say goodbye. And it's funny, because all those years that I stayed low-key and tried to make this work - no progress. Now though, after admitting to committing this terrible "crime" against the JWs, it's like nothing ever happened. They are choosing to completely ignore it and plan family dinners instead. Like it never happened. I will never understand it. But it seems I'm getting off the hook for this one. The elders don't even seem to want to try to hunt me down and punish me.

Let's hope it's because they've realized that fear tactics, isolation, shunning and a general lack of love has no place in an organization that proclaims to be Christian. That's probably not it though. I think what's happened here is that they realized they completely fucked up in how they handled me, and they want to wash their hands and sweep it under the carpet.

It wouldn't be the first time or the last where that's happened, but the great thing about it is: I don't care anymore. We went to the market this morning, and my guy, as usual, bought me two bouquets of fresh flowers. One is blood red, one sunny yellow. And I think this is where me, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and Dexter all have something in common. I'm sure you can relate too, which is why these shows are so popular. We all have both sides in us, the dark and the light. We might go most of our lives living in the light until something pushes us into the dark. That doesn't make us bad it just taps us into that other conflicting side of ourselves. The challenge we have then is to help them live in harmony.

My secret life friend wrote me a poem once, he called it Blackbird. One line stuck with me: "turning feathers black to white, her crow became a dove". I'm pretty sure it's possible to be in the light, live through the darkness and come back out the other side, where it's sunnier than ever. It happened to me. :)

Sullivan out.