The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business.