The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

About a Boy

How long have I known Jay? Who knows at this point. Five, six years? Maybe seven. My new life hasn't been longer than nine so he's been around for a lot of it. We're friends, we date, we break up, we're friends again. The only thing I know for sure is we never leave whatever this is.

As y'all know I haven't had the easiest time adapting to life on the outside. Jay is the one person who always saw through whatever I was going through and could see the real me. Not that he ever knew me in my past life, he got the other version of Margaux. But to him, that version was still smart, funny, beautiful and worth loving. He didn't take my crap though. That's why we kept breaking up. He's not like me. He doesn't have some profound need to be liked that makes him put up with bad behaviour from other people. He sticks up for himself. He sticks up for me.

I'm learning slowly that the only way to love someone else is to love yourself first. I've had a lot of boyfriends. And I don't think I ever realized that I deserved to be treated well. That I shouldn't put up with being male dominated, put down or lied to or cheated on. None of us do.

So at times, I've been a very bad girlfriend to him. We were younger then. We partied too much. Didn't sleep enough. Fought too much. But there were good times. He forced me to love Game of Thrones and implemented "no pants Sundays". He could iron chef something awesome from nothing in the cupboard.

Then we started to grow up and things started getting real. My cat died and I had a puppy dumped on me. I got sick for quite some time. I went home indefinitely. Jay would send me care packages with new clothes. He'd visit me every day I was in the hospital. Text me in the morning and ask what I wanted to eat because I'm picky and he knew I wouldn't eat hospital food. When one of my best friends was dying he'd drive me to the hospital and wait outside.

He supports all my stupid ideas like coming home randomly with new animals and doing an MBA while I work. Anytime he's off work and it's a nice day he takes us to the beach because that's my favorite place. He's been there for my siblings and my girlfriends and makes sure my dog is taken care of. (Max loves him to death but he's still mommy's boy.)

I guess all I really want to say is, we don't always understand where big love comes from. I worked on Bay Street for years. All those flashy guys in suits with their expensive cufflinks and even more expensive cars. The guys you'd meet in the cool bars who all had their wedding rings in their pockets so they could pick up girls.

Real love is every. fucking. day. Good times and bad. Pretty or ugly. Money in the pocket or broke as hell. Nice vacations and then the years you can't afford to take a vacation. Shopping at your favorite store one day, dollarama the next. Sacrificing for the family. Before him, I didn't know what it was like to have someone accept you unconditionally. Flaws, imperfections, bad habits. All the things you try to hide. Guess I'm just really lucky I got so many chances to get this right. :)

Sullivan out.

Live Free or Die Hard

It's election day in the US. Apparently everyone is moving to Canada if Trump gets elected. I've learned a thing or two over the past years. I tried, foolishly probably, to fight the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought if I could just expose them for what they are, people would listen and things would change. We could free people from their mind control, their ability to control everyone's life who has been touched by them. I failed.

People better and stronger than me have tried to stand up for freedom of thought, of choice, of religion. I think it's a noble cause. But it takes it's toll.

I haven't blogged in months and that's because I worked so hard to sell hope on here. Even though I just kept getting gutted and I didn't want everyone to know that. Part of that was my bad choices, the wrong decisions I made. Part of it was sabotage from people who were supposed to love me.

A couple of months ago, I ended up in the hospital again. I wasn't supposed to live this time. Being given a one in ten chance of survival is not encouraging. Then they came to me with some papers to sign to say I would accept blood transfusions. Now, that's a big no-no with the J-dubs. As much as I'd felt I'd moved on, they still did and always will have a hold on me. I hesitated. I was alone and didn't know what to do. I was so sad when I got out of the hospital and found out a 27-year-old mother in Quebec refused them and gave into constant pressure from elders (NOT DOCTORS) from the organization who relentlessly pressured her to say no. She died.

Whether it's politics or personal, it seems that we can't control much more than our own personal well-being. These big, powerful, rich people and corporations might, at the end of the day, always win. But we can keep up the fight. As long as we always remember to take care of ourselves. Get rid of the anger, resentment, grief. We need to feel those emotions...fully...and then move on. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be broken.

This morning I weighed 98 lbs. And when I hit my yoga mat, I was angry at my limitations. All of us though are here for a reason. You are, I am. Whatever happens to us, if we can look at the big picture, we are a tiny speck that could be gone at any time. But for now, this is our place. We can still make the world better, no matter who is President, who is in control, and even if we lose a little along the way. As long as we don't lose ourselves. :)

Remember: The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places. We have two choices people: Live Free or Die Hard.

Sullivan out.

Hot Mess

Thank you everyone who commented on my last post. Y'all are the most awesome readers a girl could ask for. 

I'm happy to report I am finally, after so many weeks, feeling better and able to leave the house - not just for doctors appointments. I've missed having Cat around, she was always good company when I was not well. My girlfriend decided to loan me her dog this week while she's at work. Being a dog walker wasn't really in my career plan, but for now, it gets me out of the house a little bit every day and I'm finally, more than halfway through July and summer, starting to get a little color and feel a bit more alive. Animals really bring so much joy and comfort into our lives. At the end of the day, they give us so much more than we give them and their love is unconditional. 

Unconditional love. Quite the idea, isn't it? That no matter what we do, how many times we mess up, that love is always there for us to lean on. I'll be the first to admit I am one of the most imperfect people out there. I bet we all feel like that at times. 

I know it's an uphill battle for so many of my friends who have been through the same or similar experiences as I have. Being cast off by friends and family for choosing a path they don't agree with is traumatizing. 

It's funny, I've been seeing doctors all the time since I've been off work, but I decided I should make an appointment with a different doctor I haven't seen in awhile. He's very good, very expensive. I went to his website to look up his email address and I noticed he'd added something new to the list of issues he works on with his clients. Religious Trauma Syndrome. It's actually #2 on his list now. Well, I'm happy I was able to help build that into his experience. And a little bit surprised there's actually a name for it. I looked it up, it's a real thing. 

I've been following a lot of ex-JW chats and websites since Rosemary wrote my story for Canadian Living. I understand the hurt, pain, depression, anxiety that they all feel. Anger towards the Watchtower. I can't say I can tell any of you with any certainty that we will all ever completely get over that. I know I'm still a hot mess. But we can get close :)

Did I ever tell you that my favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip? (I do have a point and I will get there...) There's never enough chocolate chips. Yes, the mint ice cream is good but the chocolate bits make it so much more special. 

The happiness trap that I think we get stuck in is not appreciating "good" as being "good enough" and always longing for the special something. If everything were special, the word would not have any meaning at all. 

If we decide to stay stuck in the past, mourning the people we've lost, we don't have enough room in our hearts to truly love and appreciate the new ones who come along. We might not even notice them. If we decide to hold grudges against our families who may have shunned us but have come around now, we're the ones building fences around us to keep them out, the ones who are not able to show the unconditional love and forgiveness we so desperately wanted. 

You know, if you pick all the chocolate chips out of the tub of ice cream, next time you open it you'll be disappointed that you were so greedy. Maybe we need to realize that "good" really is good enough. The special stuff comes and goes and it should be that way. 

Just so y'all don't think I'm turning into a total softy here, I will criticize this article on jw.org (link embedded in the quote). 

Those who were baptized as Jehovah’s Witnesses but no longer preach to others, perhaps even drifting away from association with fellow believers, are not shunned.

Ok, "not shunned" here is open to interpretation. It's quite a misleading statement actually. Because outside of immediate family (if you're very lucky), maybe they don't put their heads down and walk past you on the street like you don't exist, but they still "shun". You're not alive, you're not included in their lives. You may have been friends for a lifetime, but they don't check in. I run into old acquaintances sometimes, and they don't even remember who I am. Old friends cut you off. It's still shunning. 

jw.org is probably trying to soften their bad reputation. It's a different world out there than it was before the internet, people who got disfellowshipped then were alone. Now they build communities. And they are putting their stories out there. 

I was sure, positive that they would come after me for having succeeded in getting my story told to millions of people. I work in marketing and I know how big corporations monitor the PR about them that gets out there every day. I believe I got away with it because they don't want a follow-up article published describing how they disfellowshipped me again for simply telling the truth.

I've been feeling so bad for so long, the past couple of days, I'm just so happy to feel "good". I hope some of that special stuff comes my way too, but for now, this is awesome. I have a freezer full of ice cream and a puppy to hang out with during the day. Great friends and the peace of mind that comes with doing what I know was the right thing. Religious Trauma or any other trauma we've been through can be conquered by working on our thoughts, our outlook, our appreciation of all the great things in our lives. No matter what anyone else tells you, there is more than one way to be happy. And we're all a hot mess at some point or another in our lives, so don't be too hard on yourself. Eat some ice cream. :)

Sullivan out.