Murmurations by Margaux

Murmuration. Have you heard that word before? It means a flock of birds that fly in formation and create amazing shapes in the sky. If you have a couple of minutes, click the picture below and watch the video. It's amazing. 

I have to say that besides a couple of old, lifelong friends who have made the same choice I have to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, I've stayed out of the ex-JW community for the most part. 

Sure, when I was first "out" I checked out some of the websites. I was afraid though of getting pulled into negativity and I really just wanted to heal and move on. I believe some of those sites are very helpful to those who are looking for an outlet to express their pain, their disappointments, their sadness. I chose to express my feelings through this blog instead. Maybe the idea of speaking to anonymous readers was easier for me, maybe I wasn't ready to let anyone in again just yet. 

The experience I've been through over the past month though of being so publicly "out there" with my story has been both healing and empowering. The outpouring of support I've received from perfect strangers within the community that decided to leave the only community we've ever known, is almost overwhelming. 

Of course, you always get the haters. One woman commented online that she didn't feel like it was a story of growth and development so much as a "one sided sob story meant to incite hate". If she ever read this blog, she would see that as much as I am committed to exposing the truth about the Witnesses, hopefully to help others not go down the same road I did in life and end up regretting years and years dedicated to a cause they no longer believe in and that I truly feel ruins many people's lives and happiness, I do not hate. I say over and over and over I love most of those people and wish them well. It's the organization that controls them that I am not happy with. 

Unless you've been through it, grown up indoctrinated by a cult that controls your every action, you just don't get it. When I read the comments and messages from readers of that article, I can tell right away who has been raised JW and who has no idea what we've gone through. 

Then, of course, there's the "affair". I understand y'all hating on me for that. All I can say is that unless we've been in someone else's situation, you don't know what happens behind closed doors. I'm not proud of that. It's easy to say I should have just left before that happened but there is NO WAY to get out of the JWs or a JW marriage. It's like Hotel California. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. I was depressed, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, obviously my thought process was skewed. Will I always regret it? Yes. But I can't change it. It is what it is. 

At the end of the day, whatever I've done wrong, whatever mistakes I've made, I was obviously terribly unhappy. Happy people don't throw an entire life: their marriage, every friend they ever had, their family away for no reason. 

And now? I am happy and I know I'm not alone. Being part of this community of ex-JWs I can see that we all experience similar things in different ways: post traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, bad dreams. A lot of my closest friends are gay and their coming out has often meant the same kind of challenges and losses. 

If you're around my age, our grandparents fought in the last huge war. They experienced trauma and loss so we could live in a world where we have freedom. Freedom of religion, of thought, of expression, of speech. 

Whatever we're currently dealing with, don't forget - that freedom is ours to embrace. Let's fly together and in formation like the birds and create something beautiful together. 

Sullivan out.