The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

I think I wanna marry you

"It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you." - Bruno Mars

My little sister is getting married. Don't ever let your best friend and your sister get engaged in the same week. It's very high maintenance. Y'all know my philosophy on it: "If it ain't broke, don't marry it." I can understand how to people who have never been through it before it can seem very exciting.

And it is. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life even though I spent the entire night before not sleeping, wondering if I was making a mistake. (It wasn't a mistake. If I went back in time I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing the outcome.) :)

Getting divorced though is a different story. Statistically speaking, one of these two marriages will end up the same way mine did. But I hope both of them beat the odds and live happily ever after. 

I used to be such a romantic. I loved old movies, read all the classics over and over again, had poetry books on my coffee table. Then I became jaded. I guess everything spiraled so far out of my control that I just lost whatever that was that was such a big part of me. 

But I still believe in love. Maybe not romantic love, but love is what gets us out of bed in the morning. It's what we go to work for, it's what we come home to. 

I was talking to my therapist last week. He's been through a similar life as me, written papers on escaping a controlling religion and losing everything in the process. He gets me. 

Me: When does it go away? The nightmares, the sadness, the fight against the old life?

Him: It doesn't. It gets better. It doesn't go away. 

He's always honest. My last boyfriend said he was a terrible doctor for telling me that, but I think that's what makes him a good doctor. 

This is why I don't date anymore. They all just want me to get "fixed". There is no way to do that. And I don't see myself as broken. 

Then I told him that what I missed most about the old me was how much I felt, how much I cared. I still care about people. But not the way I used to. He didn't think it was a bad thing. He said I used to be at an extreme level on one side of this, now I'm at the other end. It will even itself out. 

I got up the next day and went to the Christmas market with my adopted family. T made me a card. She held my hand and I caught up with "mom". I met up with some girlfriends after they left and I came home feeling a slight flicker of all that stuff I miss about me. 

Whether we get married, get divorced or stay single our whole lives, what provides us with the best love is family. If that is our biological family or the family we make for ourselves...that's the love that keeps us grounded, that helps us through hard times, that makes our hearts feel full. Find your family. And then work hard to keep them close. 

Sullivan out.