The Best and the Worst

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with a lie. She only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me. 

She takes what she needs for herself. She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be. For some reason this song has been kicking around in my head all day. No idea why, not a huge Billy Joel fan and I was probably a toddler when he was cool. Can't get it out of my head so I'll write about it.

I used to be such a people pleaser. I didn't know I had any power at all, over anything. I was talking to a friend tonight about how so much of our identity is caught up in who we were as children. Were you the smart one? The pretty one? The geek? The one who was different from the others?

One day I realized I had all the power I needed. So I changed my life. I wasn't shutting up anymore when things were wrong. The people around me didn't like it. Who can blame them? I was the yes girl. You know who is unhappy in life? The yes people. I truly believe in doing everything within our power to help less advantaged people. I've devoted my life to it. The thing is, when you always say yes to everyone else, you end up always saying no to yourself. 

I keep running into my past life. The nightmares don't stop. I don't sleep a lot. It's like constantly running into a glass door that looked like it was open, but it never is, is it? I have literally spent thousands of dollars on therapy listening to them tell me to let go. To some degree I have. I've learned how to work with my strengths to get the things I want. I've learned how to hurt people. That never feels good. I've learned to make people believe what they want to believe and I've learned the consequences of only revealing what I want to and wounding others.

I did that out of self preservation, knowing people I love would stop loving me if I told the truth. Sometimes I wonder why am I the only person not allowed to tell the truth? But then I remember there are so many others who have it harder, whose truths might be darker, consequences more severe.

My girlfriend sent me her ex's wedding video today and it was amazing. (I will never say I didn't have an amazing wedding.) But one of the songs they used was the Rainbow Connection. You know, the Kermit the Frog song? My husband used to play that and sing it in the Kermit voice and when that played I cried. I cried for him, how I hurt him, and for me and how he hurt me. What we had and what we lost.

I got this fancy new tarot card deck. they're so pretty I don't even want to touch them. I'm comfortable with my old deck Jay bought me years ago at some festival in Greektown.

When I read my cards I get lots of swords. If I'm lucky enough to get a major arcana, I get strength or the tower or judgment. I never get the ten of cups. The rainbow. 

What's on the other side of the rainbow? They're visions. Only illusions. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. :)

Sullivan out.