The Truth About Love

Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right? Where there is desire there's going to be a flame, where's there a flame someones gotta get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. Gotta get up and try. -P!NK

It seems romantic relationships in the second half of your 30s are more complicated than they was before. Everyone has either been heartbroken, divorced, left for someone else, cheated on. Or all of the above. Sometimes I'll spend half a Saturday talking to my girlfriends, listening, reading tarot cards. Gawd, if I were a licensed therapist/psychic I could make so much money on the weekends.

Our hearts do deceive us. It's a famous quote: The heart wants what the heart wants. Often, we don't get what we desire so badly because what we want would be very very bad for us. Our friend the Universe has another plan.

We were home listening to Pink the other night, I'd been at her concert on Monday with my bestie. My guy dropped a ton a cash to make those great seats happen. (She was AMAZING) Not that he's rich. He's just very generous. This song comes on. He looks at me and says "This is your song". I'm like, how do you think I'm still here baby?

C'mon we're too old to keep playing games. To keep taking advantage of people. And my friends? They are worth so much more than what they put up with. Wondering where he is, what's he doing, who else is he talking to? Whose blonde hair was that in the bathroom?

I've been the perfect Stepford Wife in the past. Until I wasn't. "Just getting by" isn't a great option for any of us. Neither is crazy, mad love for most of us. Love isn't like it is in the movies. We have to try. If they won't try with you, if you're constantly insecure and unhappy, please - that train is going through a tunnel. That tunnel ends with going off a cliff. Save yourself.

Not saying I learned this all in one go but we're getting older, lovelies. My relationship isn't perfect. I had a different picture in my head of how I'd end up but it wasn't right for me.

The other night we took the dog to the beach and we were playing and laughing, decided to grab a bite on the waterfront and one of my guy's friends works there now. His old roomate. They were fun times, but crazy. Times that couldn't last. They were so happy to see each other again. Finally I interrupted and was like: Hi, it's Margaux, I used to stay at your place?...and he said my God, I didn't even recognize you. Your hairs so long and you're wearing sunglasses...and I said and...you never thought we'd still be together after all this time? And he laughed. Said: Not a chance.

Ladies, you owe me thousands of dollars in free therapy. All I have to say is pick the nice guy for once and you won't have to try half as hard, I promise. You'll still have to work for it, but you'll have a partner who makes you smile every time he walks through the door and when things get hard, you'll try to make them easier. Together. He always tells me he's so proud of me. That "WE" got this. We got this. :)

Sullivan out.

It's a Mad World

I know what you're thinking, you're usually right but this time you're wrong. No, I am not writing some sad, I have no mother cause she joined a cult and I left and she shuns me so I'm having an orphans brunch blog.

But you are right that I'm having an orphans brunch today. :)

Is it so bad? As long as you stay off social media, which I usually do these days, you don't have to see all those posts about how much everyone loves their mom and they're all so happy about it.

I'm happy for them. My life went on a different path. Maybe a darker one but definitely the one I'm meant to be on. My guy works nights and I work days so I stay up late to spend time with him which is why I'm still awake with him. I told him "I'll probably cry about Linda tomorrow." He encourages me to write. He always buys me flowers on Mothers Day and I always buy his flowers for his mom but this weekend was crazy at the flower shop. I've never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that I'm not close to her and we were crazy busy I made her a lovely bouquet.

After working 11 hours straight I was talking to my bestie about the perils of self-improvement. I haven't really felt like myself lately and I think that's because I'm changing. I was so exhausted I just put on Netflix and there was this one scene with these two girls who were best friends and they were going through some crazy stuff exactly like what I had gone through once. I paused it and talked to my girl.

I was like, do you remember that time we thought I was pregnant? It's only happened once. We left work and came to my place to pee on a stick and figure it out. Three minutes is a long time So we decided to sit on the floor and smoke what we thought would be our last cigarette. Why were we sitting on the floor. Who knows? She was so excited. I was freaked out. The guy was not great but he was super cute so I decided as usual to focus on the positive. If I am, I am having the cutest little baby ever.

She and I had a whole plan to buy a house together and both have kids and live happily ever after. Life however doesn't always let you make the plans. Not long after I ended up in the hospital and lost 60% of my blood. It wasn't great. We weren't together at the time but you know that guy who always has my back? He showed up. He always does. As hard as it is for me to trust anyone anymore, I trust him. Literally with my life at this point.

I never ended up having a baby. My bestie? She got married and had two beautiful children. That part was great. One of us at least got to be a mother.

What I take away from that is that life can have multiple different outcomes. Snap your fingers! Make one different decision and life can change forever. Like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books we read as kids, never knowing that most of life isn't choice. It's 50/50. One of the best friends I've ever had was beautiful, smart, ate healthy, barely drank, never smoked in her life. Cancer three times. Died. And here I still am.

Is Mother's Day my most hated holiday? Slightly ahead of Father's Day but yes. I have a lot of friends who at this point have lost their mother to death. It's better and worse that she's still alive. I wish her the best, but she's almost become a faint memory, like someone I used to know back in the day and never really got along with all that well. On the other hand it sucks having parents who treat you like you're the one who is dead while they're still alive.

I've found mothers and aunts and sisters and nieces on the outside, they are my family now. Not to mention that great guy sitting across from me. I still have a tiny bit of blood family left. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up, but I think this might just be the year I don't cry over Linda or Helena (stepmom, another story for another day). I don't have everything I want, but I have enough to be happy. :)

Sullivan out.

Aunt Jane and I. Circa none of your goddamn business. 

Bend until you break

Take your makeup off, let your hair down, take a breath, when you're all alone, do you like you?

Do you? I don't like myself. To be honest, I don't think any of us should have to bend until we break. I've done that. I'm ashamed of it. Trying to belong has not been my forte since I left the cult. I made mistakes. I handled it better than some of our friends who are gone now. The ones who decided it was better to be go away than to keep trying. I don't blame them. I get it. I cannot tell you how many times I've been there. You'll have to wait for that book I'm writing that is never going to be finished to find out all about that. Good luck with that :)

I have all these pictures in my head of my past life. "I hate you, I love you" is the theme song of my life. I love them all but I hate them too. I hate them for not loving me enough to stick with me when I decided to leave. I love them because erasing them would mean half of my life is just gone. Like it never happened.

I always fall in love with the wrong men. And it's entirely possible the wrong girls as well.

I'm retiring the blog just for awhile. I was talking to Liz the other day. Liz: Have you googled you? You're everywhere.

Let's be honest, probably not as much as the Kardashians are (my god, did I actually use that word on my blog?)

I've used this blog as my personal diary, there's a reason those used to come with a lock and key. It's been a heartbreaking, joyful, terrifying, exciting wonderful journey here on the outside.

I met Margaret Atwood the other weekend. She was lovely. Then I started to feel bad because even though I look up to her as a wildly popular Canadian author, truth be told, I've never read any of her books. I have at least a hundred books in my apartment. Some of them hers. I'm still making the rounds and usually I have two or three on the go, so I can pick what I read depending on my mood.

So I cheated. Liz was watching the Handmaid's Tale on TV. I followed suit. I know the Jehovah's Witnesses are not as bad as that situation. They don't have machine guns....that I'm aware of :) At the end of the day, there's so many similarities though. Us, them, the Scientologists, the Mormons...the list goes on.

The secret lingo, the distrust, the spying on each other. Women go everywhere in twos, you can't be alone with a man who is not your husband. There are extreme penalties for breaking the rules and they all come with a scripture they can beat you over the head with. Some random scripture from the bible which was written in an age when men got away with anything they wanted. Multiple wives, concubines, wars, stoning people to death, killing anyone you wanted. The Bible is basically Game of Thrones on crack. But these were "God's people". Women and gays were synonymous with the lesser and subjected to all kinds of abuse.

How Margaret put all that together in 1985 is really impressive. With Trump and Trudeau running our world, I wonder how close life will become to that piece of fiction.

They tell the handmaiden that "everyone breaks". For so many people who have been raised in oppressive, non-accepting lives, that's true.

Okay, I'm going to sign off. I'll leave this up for the weekend and then we need to take a break. Have a couple of job interviews coming up and I don't need potential employers googling me. It's just a break, not a break up. For those of you out there who feel trapped, remember it might seem to be easier to stay somewhere where you feel secure. If you feel that way though, remember that security could be ripped away from you at any moment for the smallest infraction.

GET OUT.

We will be here on the other side to help.

Sullivan out.

My Funny Valentine

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance." - Oscar Wilde

Before y'all go getting all excited, no I do not have a boyfriend. I have however been on two dates in the past week with the same guy and I think he'll be back for a third so that's progress for me. Not that I'm opposed to having a relationship, things just never seem to work out.

This blog is a shout out to one of the most important men in my life. We dated on and off for awhile but could never really seem to make it stick. We have completely different work schedules. I don't really care for most of his friends. His parents hate me. They call me the "white girl". (Hey, reverse racism is a thing people!)

On top of that, I was a terrible girlfriend. I cheated on him. Twice. I asked him once if we could get back together and he just laughed at me. Despite all of this, he is one of the best, most loyal and longest term friends I have here on the outside of my past life. He likes to call me a motherfucking piece of shit, but it's basically a term of endearment. :)

I honestly would not have made it through the past few years without Jay. Sure, we fight sometimes but I always know if I need him, he'll be there. Right away. No questions asked. He rubs my back when I have panic attacks. I can't tell you how many times he's taken me to the hospital. One time I thought I might actually die. Jay stayed with me all night and all the next day until the doctors figured out how to fix me and then he took me home.

He makes sure I eat. He came with me when I had to put my cat down and we both cried. My dog seems to have as many health crises as I do, and when I can't afford the vet bills he helps me out. He always wins Christmas, he says he wants to make it a happy time for me since I didn't have it growing up. He made up "no pants Sunday" where we would just wear big tshirts and lie around watching Game of Thrones. He's kind and generous and smart. When I was out east last summer he would send me care packages with new clothes because I went out there with a small bag, not knowing how long it would be until I came back.

Jay has been my rock and I hope we're friends until we die. My friends get all excited when I date someone new, because Margaux really doesn't really date all that much. I don't really feel like I need to. We will see how new guy does, but I have so many great guys in my life including my dad, my uncle, my boss, my roomate, some great ex-boyfriends. I bought myself flowers for Valentines Day because I'm actually starting to get the hang of this self-love thing. I wouldn't have made it there though without those men.

So JayJay - happy Valentines Day lovie. I love you  so much, you motherfucking piece of shit. :)

Sullivan out.

The Confines of Fear

"I've been worrying that my time is a little unclear. I've been worrying that I'm losing the ones I hold dear. I've been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear." - Ben Howard

Week three back at work. Gawd, I'm tired. My doctor warned me to stop sleeping so much a week before I went back. Did I listen? Nope. I feel like I'm catching up on years of sleep, I love it. :)

It's nice to be back into a routine. I count myself as extremely lucky to be able to walk back in there after 3.5 months and have all the support and care that I've experienced. But I was terrified to go back. It was never a question of whether or not to go back, it was more of a question of if I could combat the fear and be successful again. 

I'm starting to get my groove back. I can't help but think about how many times in life we let ourselves be fenced in by the confines of fear. Work, friendships, relationships, family...it is SO scary to put ourselves out there when we're afraid of failure, disappointment, pain. And so many people choose not to go down that path. It's safer. I'll tell you something though, it's lonelier. 

There are hundreds of good reasons to cut things out of your life. Or maybe just to limit them. I read something once that said not everyone is healthy enough to sit in the front row of your life. So like in a theatre, some people need to be put on the upper balcony. It doesn't mean we don't love them, they just aren't healthy for us. The same could apply to anything we strive for. 

That's different though than refusing to take a chance on someone or something that we might feel we could really want, but are just too afraid to try.  

I feel like it's taken me this long to figure out where my limits are, what I can and can't put up with, what I'm willing to go out on a limb for, what I'm willing to walk away from. The difference now is that I don't make decisions out of fear. I've worried enough for an entire lifetime. 

I went to pick up some groceries today and there was a kid with a sign that said "Homeless and Hungry" outside the store. I bought him a bag of food and bent down to talk to him as I was leaving. It made me sad, he looked so young. 

I've been thinking about him all evening. Because I've been there. Homeless, broke, unemployed. And I think all of us can take tragedy and go either way with it. Either it breaks us so that we're so broken we can't be fixed. Or...we can fight the fear and let those experiences make us stronger, better, more compassionate people then we ever would have been otherwise. Let's face it - it's the theme to every superhero story there ever was. The hero picks the harder, higher road and decides to help other people in peril. The villain may have gone through the same terrible things, but they choose to spiral downward and hurt others. 

I'm confident I will become what I deserve. And the fear is slowly dissipating. I wish the same for you. 

What Women Want

I know what you're thinking...and you're right. Why should you take any kind of dating advice from me? I'll be the first to admit, I'm terrible at it. Not at the logistics so much. I'm pretty good at pouring a glass of wine, putting on some red lipstick and choosing a cute outfit. Or making you a picnic for the park. I'm also a pretty good kisser. 

It's the making it last part that I suck at. Romantically at least...I seem to have no problem staying awesome friends with all my ex's. Seriously, I still meet up with them for lunch or coffee or drinks, get together at Christmas, sometimes they'll send me pictures of their new baby.

I have however dated a LOT. And have a handful of girlfriends who tell me everything about their experiences. I've talked to men, to women, to gay and lesbian friends and there are some fundamental things you should know about the woman in your life. I'm just going to share what I've heard. 

1. Don't lie to us. Women in their 30s have seen enough bullshit to be able to identify it. But we are still romantics. I happened to meet three Irishes in a row. One of them said on our first date: "I'd love to take you to Ireland with me." I knew it was a lie but...swoon. Another one asked if he could see me again and when I asked when? He said tomorrow, the next day, every day. He never even called me again. So guys, you don't have to be so over the top. If we like you, we'll probably see you again without all the grandiose claims. Just tone it down a notch. 

2. If we do end up sleeping with you at some point, please call the next day. Not for a big conversation, just say "Hey, I had a lovely time. I would love to see you again." It would literally take you five minutes. Text messages just don't have the same impact. And I mean, we did sleep with you after all. 

3. Get over yourself.  If you feel the need to tell us on the first or second date that you're "not looking for anything serious" that translates in our minds to: "I'd love to sleep with you and never call you again." And then we'll walk away. Who says we're looking for something serious? We've known you for five minutes. Give us a little more credit than just being some girl who wants to tie you up and drag you down the aisle. A lot of us don't even care about getting married and having kids anymore. Life has changed. 

4. Sometimes we just want you to listen. You don't have to fix us. We can fix ourselves and we know how to do it. We have our girlfriends, our therapists, our careers, our interests and hobbies. But if we've had a bad day, we might just need to talk it out. If you can listen without saying "um hmm" while looking at the tv or computer or iphone, bonus points to you. If you can give us a hug, even better. :)

I can't speak for all girls, but having been the girl whose boyfriends buy her fancy dinners, chic hotel rooms, Tiffany jewelry, expensive perfume, pretty shoes...one guy even made me furniture...I can say all of those things are greatly appreciated. But we'd give them all up for someone who makes us laugh, who appreciates our intelligence, who gives us a hug when we're having a bad day. 

A lobster dinner never hurts though - just FYI. :)

Sullivan out. 

Be Happy : )

Soooo, I had an interesting comment on my blog today. For your reading pleasure:

Why am I reading this? I was expecting to get the perspective and experience of someone who bravely left an abusive cult. Instead, I'm getting a shallow soap-opera of an attention seeking diva, who feels the need the delve on her breakfast and her latest lover. And who's sole accomplishment is to appear in the national enquirer.

I don't care about your FB-type status updates. I don't care about your input on relationships; you're so focused on your inner ramblings that you're clearly incapable of showing true perspective and empathy towards those that may need help.

You're clearly on your way to glory, or so you might think. I would just rather you accept your contribution to what it really is: pointless self-complacent yawning dabble that no one will remember the day you forget to post your vomitus. And leave the real meat to those who have both the inclination and the ability to reach out.

Enjoy your Sex in the City audience. It won't last. Meanwhile, I'll look for real help somewhere else.

Regards,

A suffering ex-JW. 

First of all, I'm sorry you are suffering, apparently all the more so now having been exposed to my blog. My advice? PLEASE don't read me anymore. It will be better for both of us. 

If this individual had read through the library of blogs I've accumulated over the past couple of years, they would see that there are SO MANY posts where I've openly and honestly exposed the WT society for their unkindness and self-serving control over their followers.

There have been a lot of blogs where I speak out about the seriousness of mental health issues and how we need to break down the stigmas associated with that.

If they knew me, they would know I spoke at two sessions during mental health week at work on these issues in front of over 100 people each time. An important but still difficult step to put yourself out there because you feel so naked and exposed. And they would know how many people have contacted me since and said it really helped them.

That I spend most of my effort and mind space trying to be good at my job. That I'm a caring and compassion friend, who has helped many people who previously shunned me for years to figure out an escape strategy and listened to and supported them when they decided to leave the JWs.

I am an activist and I take what I do very seriously.

Two things though:

1) I will never hate on the JWs as a group. While I have issues with the WatchTower, the people are not all bad. Like any organization, business, religion, whatever (they're the same thing anyways) there are good, loyal, sincere people and there are bad people. ALL organizations are the same that way. I have suffered greatly but hating them will only hurt me. And there are so many good (yet misguided) people that I've left behind that I will always look back on with fondness. I refuse to give in to hate. Plus, I've been on the other side. When I got disfellowshipped, I called a girlfriend I hadn't talked to in years. We were like sisters. And she picked up the phone and we picked up where we left off. That's unconditional love.

2) Life can't always be serious. We need the fun times, the laughter to be good at what we do the other 80% of the time. That's what keeps us going, keeps us young.

Sometimes, I just want to talk about boys or lipgloss or how awesome was Game of Thrones this week? I work hard at working hard on the hard stuff. But that's not all of who I am. I believe in what I do in that area, but I also believe in love, I believe in friendship, I believe in being silly sometimes. And that's ok because I've stopped doubting myself a long time ago. This is who I am and I like it.

I don't know about their comment on enjoying my "Sex in the City audience while it lasts". Sex and the City had a pretty good run. I'm pretty sure I will too. And at the end of the day, this is MY blog. If you don't like it, fuck off. If you honestly are looking for support, someone to talk to, some help, I'm here. Even if I do just talk about boys sometimes. : )

After the Rain

"The nice thing about rain is that it always stops. Eventually." - Eeyore

I have some important things to say today, but first of all, let's clear something up. 

These comments I'm getting on my blog "I'm awesome at dating and other lies..." - just to be clear, I did NOT have a threesome. I'm really not the type. The blog was meant to be a funny comedy of errors that turned what was meant to be a low-key, romantic evening into a disaster date. It ends with a friend showing up to crash on the couch (ie. not romantic) but when I said we all woke up together in the morning what I meant was in my tiny apartment. Not in the same bed. Get your minds out of the gutter people!

I'm glad we cleared that up. :)

So you know how I told you I'm speaking on a panel for an event at work for Mental Health Week. I had a meeting with the colleague who's running it today about the whole thing. There's three of us, apparently they get over 100 people who show up to listen to our sad stories. 

She had printed me out a list of questions to think about while planning what I was going to share. How has mental illness affected your life? Have a noticed a stigma around it? What would you like others to know about the situation that you are dealing with? What were key components that changed your life for the positive? 

It's funny to think of myself as someone with "mental illness". Despite a challenging upbringing, I've always thought of myself as a happy girl. My nickname growing up was "Sunshine". 

But I guess that just means I buy into the stigma - the very one I'm trying to break - myself. The whole purpose behind this blog, behind the magazine article I did, behind getting up there in front of my work colleagues and telling my story, is simply to help others. If I took myself too seriously, I'd never be able to out myself as mentally ill. 

It's embarrassing, no doubt about it. I've worked extremely hard to present a certain persona and hide my issues related to depression and anxiety, especially in the workplace. I'm pretty sure that's why I still have a job. 

Here I go back to my Buddhist beliefs, but it's a noble truth: life is suffering. At some point or another, we all face demons, whether we deserve them to show up in our life or not. Living the way I did as a JW, trying to constantly pretend everything was fine and I was always happy is no way to live. This is not to say I dwell in negativity. I work very, very hard to stay positive and upbeat. In answer to the "what would you like others to know" question I would say this: we all go through difficult times. Sickness, death, divorce, unfair situations. We can't be expected to always be fine. The rain falls in all of our lives at different times, in different ways. 

Getting disfellowshipped and divorced were tragic experiences for me, but I also went through hell when my Cat died. We can't control things. I think the most important thing I want people to take away from this experience is that when we deal with depression, anxiety, addictions, that doesn't make us weak. Because we are dealing with them. That makes us strong. 

I've spent years in therapy, going to yoga, meditating, reading positive, life changing literature. These things have changed my life in a positive way. Putting myself out there with new people, trying to rebuild some kind of life is scary but I've been rewarded for the effort. I don't wallow in sadness, I rarely deal with depression anymore. But the post-traumatic stress of what I went I went through years ago sticks with me and I can't always control the anxiety when it chooses to show up. I just have to try to breathe through it (which is sometimes all I can do when the panic gets so bad that even breathing is such a struggle) and if it's a really bad day, go home and try again tomorrow.

The important thing is that we don't give up. Every day that we're still here is a testament to that effort. That we try not to be too hard ourselves, that we try to love ourselves as we are. That even when we're soaking wet from the rainfall, we're looking for the sun.  

Because after the rain, it might be damp and soggy for a long time, but at least the we've weathered the storm. Never, ever, ever give up. You are not alone. :)

Be Mine :)

So yesterday was Valentines Day. You wouldn't believe how many men there were in suits frantically running around the financial district, buying cards and flowers, wine and chocolates after work. 

Lots of people hate on this made-up holiday. My hero, The Bloggess wrote a really funny blog: http://thebloggess.com/2014/02/fuck-valentines-day/. You should read her. :)

I kind of like it though. Maybe it's because I grew up with no holidays, ever, although I do see the commercialism, the stress and expectations that come with celebrating anything, I think if we all just calmed down a little bit and lowered our self-interest we could appreciate all the holidays for what they really should be. People pick up the phone, send sweet little messages and reconnect with the ones they care about. Holidays are a reminder to slow down from our crazy lives for *just a minute* and spread some love. 


Ellen Page chose to come out as gay yesterday. That cute little girl from Halifax was obviously so nervous giving her speech. But her message was one of love and acceptance. She's right. We all should have the right to love whoever we want regardless of age, social status, religion, race, or sexual orientation. 

I had a couple of nice dates, a bottle of wine, the heart-shaped box of chocolate, flowers on the table. The night ended with a bunch of us at the bar downstairs, pelting each other with cinnamon hearts and laughing. Apparently that place is a mess today. 

Whether you're at the place where you spent last night with the love of your life, chose to hang out with your friends, went on a first date, kept your ex-boyfriend company or stayed home alone, lit some candles and took a bath...the young, wise Ellen Page was right. You can't really love anyone else until you love yourself.

Self love is the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all. Once you master that one, the next challenge is staying true to you and only letting people into your life who love the you you love. Never settle. :)

Blackbird out.