Bend until you break

Take your makeup off, let your hair down, take a breath, when you're all alone, do you like you?

Do you? I don't like myself. To be honest, I don't think any of us should have to bend until we break. I've done that. I'm ashamed of it. Trying to belong has not been my forte since I left the cult. I made mistakes. I handled it better than some of our friends who are gone now. The ones who decided it was better to be go away than to keep trying. I don't blame them. I get it. I cannot tell you how many times I've been there. You'll have to wait for that book I'm writing that is never going to be finished to find out all about that. Good luck with that :)

I have all these pictures in my head of my past life. "I hate you, I love you" is the theme song of my life. I love them all but I hate them too. I hate them for not loving me enough to stick with me when I decided to leave. I love them because erasing them would mean half of my life is just gone. Like it never happened.

I always fall in love with the wrong men. And it's entirely possible the wrong girls as well.

I'm retiring the blog just for awhile. I was talking to Liz the other day. Liz: Have you googled you? You're everywhere.

Let's be honest, probably not as much as the Kardashians are (my god, did I actually use that word on my blog?)

I've used this blog as my personal diary, there's a reason those used to come with a lock and key. It's been a heartbreaking, joyful, terrifying, exciting wonderful journey here on the outside.

I met Margaret Atwood the other weekend. She was lovely. Then I started to feel bad because even though I look up to her as a wildly popular Canadian author, truth be told, I've never read any of her books. I have at least a hundred books in my apartment. Some of them hers. I'm still making the rounds and usually I have two or three on the go, so I can pick what I read depending on my mood.

So I cheated. Liz was watching the Handmaid's Tale on TV. I followed suit. I know the Jehovah's Witnesses are not as bad as that situation. They don't have machine guns....that I'm aware of :) At the end of the day, there's so many similarities though. Us, them, the Scientologists, the Mormons...the list goes on.

The secret lingo, the distrust, the spying on each other. Women go everywhere in twos, you can't be alone with a man who is not your husband. There are extreme penalties for breaking the rules and they all come with a scripture they can beat you over the head with. Some random scripture from the bible which was written in an age when men got away with anything they wanted. Multiple wives, concubines, wars, stoning people to death, killing anyone you wanted. The Bible is basically Game of Thrones on crack. But these were "God's people". Women and gays were synonymous with the lesser and subjected to all kinds of abuse.

How Margaret put all that together in 1985 is really impressive. With Trump and Trudeau running our world, I wonder how close life will become to that piece of fiction.

They tell the handmaiden that "everyone breaks". For so many people who have been raised in oppressive, non-accepting lives, that's true.

Okay, I'm going to sign off. I'll leave this up for the weekend and then we need to take a break. Have a couple of job interviews coming up and I don't need potential employers googling me. It's just a break, not a break up. For those of you out there who feel trapped, remember it might seem to be easier to stay somewhere where you feel secure. If you feel that way though, remember that security could be ripped away from you at any moment for the smallest infraction.

GET OUT.

We will be here on the other side to help.

Sullivan out.

ALLY

I don't watch the news. It's too depressing. Sure, I keep up enough with that's happening in the world, but I don't need the constant reminder that things are not how they should be.

The past couple of days though, I can't stop. And I can't stop crying. What happened in Orlando is beyond sad. Anderson Cooper gave an emotional tribute to the victims. They were so young.

When I came out of the Jehovah's Witnesses, got shunned and ostracized, where my sins where broadcasted to everyone I ever knew, with no hope of redemption until I fell back into line, it was the LGBT community that embraced me.

They understood what it was like to be punished for just being who you really are. Some of them had understanding friends and family when they came out. Others were shunned like I was.

The first friend I ever had here on the outside was a lesbian. She picked me up and loved me even in my imperfect, damaged state. Some of the people I love the most now and consider to be my "family" are gay. I don't care about their sexual orientation. They don't care about mine.

True love transcends all of those things that divide people: race, religion, sexual orientation, social status. Love is love. And I feel sorry for the people who don't see it that way. Who choose to hate, who choose to love conditionally, who choose to hurt good people for the sake of their own prejudices.

One of the victims of the shooting was a mom, who chose to go out that night to support her gay son. He survived, she didn't. It's tragic. But at least he will always know that he was loved, accepted and supported by the woman who loved him so much.

I'm not sure if humanity is going to survive. But if we are, we need to change. Right now.

Once I got myself reinstated with the JWs my mother kept asking me to come back. I said to her, What about Liz? I had never had a real friend before. How could I go back to the false friends and leave her behind just because she's gay.

I am proud to be an ally. I go to all the Pride events. The charity events. I dance in gay nightclubs. I love them all as much as I love anyone else. I don't see color or politics or religious denomination or sexual orientation. I just see good and bad.

What happened in Florida was very, very bad. And I don't pray but I will today. My thoughts, love and prayers go out to all the victims, their families and their loved ones.

Life is short. Be kind.

Sullivan out.