A Thousand Suns

I love you with the fierce intensity of a thousand suns.  - Donia Ruel

I had a roomate when I was working with Donia. M. We adopted her quote and wrote it down in notes to each other. And it was true. That's why it was so hard for me to say goodbye to Donia this past year. Love that strong, that loyal and that long standing is hard to replace. Not hard, impossible.

Our friendship outlasted my marriage by 13 years. M and I have been friends for 28 years now. On and off. We were bridesmaids in each others weddings. We wore the same shoes. Donia and I were easy soulmates, we were so alike. M and I were perfect opposites. Besides our taste in the same men, we didn't really have anything in common. She's brunette, I was always blonde. She's a gypsy, I'm more of the planting roots type of girl. There was however the fact that we both loved our coffee in the morning and a glass of wine at night.

One of the things I appreciate about my Jehovah's Witness upbringing was our simple, innocent childhood. I think the worst thing M and I ever did together was "borrow" her dad's truck one weekend and drive to the beach where we camped for the night. Listened to cheesy 90s heavy metal music and probably could have got ourselves killed had there been a serial killer in the area.

There wasn't, and two small town girls ended up in Toronto together. She hated my cat. I hated her sister. We made it work anyway.

I have one other friend of over 20 years that's not part of the crazy cult I left. When she got herself kicked out of the JWs, I shunned her.  When I got kicked out, M shunned me. We all came to our senses at different times in our life and the great thing about this is that none of us held a grudge. We all understood the brainwashing, the need to "obey". But as soon as we each walked away, we knew immediately who to call first to be there for us, to hold our hand and tell us we were doing the right thing. To hold on to a piece of our lost past that is so important to us.

I spent last weekend in Montreal with M. My absolutely lovely ex-boyfriend immediately cancelled the gift he'd ordered for me for Christmas and bought me a train ticket as soon as I mentioned M wanted me to come visit. I can't even really explain what it's like to be with her or K. I love my friends here. I have been extremely lucky with the people I happened to connect with since I've been on the outside. It's different though, being with someone who had the same upbringing as you, someone who knows all the really important people in your life - the ones who are departed - and who you don't have to explain or excuse your crazy to. We watched fireworks at midnight on New Years and went home and watched Anne of Green Gables.

I left Montreal feeling happier than I've felt in almost a year. That I have those connections, that family. The ones who don't have to reach to try to understand me. I was still in my happy haze when I went back to work. I walked out that first day to grab some lunch and I ran into HER. The only one besides my ex-husband and my family that I still miss. I practically raised her, she was my sunshine, my baby. Unfortunately I brainwashed her into the cult and now we're just strangers who pass on the street sometimes.

She gave me a hug and said we should do lunch sometime. I'm pretty sure that was just because she was with her co-workers. There's a lot of complicated rules to being a JW. When you're with "outsiders" you have to pretend to love everyone. When you're on the inside you have to pretend not to care about the outsiders.

I took a chance though and texted her. V just said "Are you okay?" Of course I'm okay, princess. Y'all know I had a really terrible year in 2015. But that's over. The only pain I had to deal with was inflicted by the JWs. And a death. I have countless people to thank that I got to the other side. Family, work, friends. They got me through it. Because my darling V, that's what people do here on the outside. We love and support each other unconditionally. Sometimes it's tough love. But we don't discard people based on their life choices. When you're ready, and you will be because you're my girl, we're all here. Ready to shine out the fierce love of a thousand suns.

Sullivan out.

Let Her Go

I bet y'all were shocked not to see some cheesy, optimistic NYE/New Years Day blog post from me. I started one, and by started I mean I wrote the title. Then poured myself a glass of Prosecco and started playing with all my new makeup. 

I had left my laptop open and one of my ex's (I know, I know, they are piling up at this point) saw it and thought he'd start it up for me:

So...Another New Year has come and gone. I keep saying to myself that this year is going to be different..I am going to magically transform and be a better person than who I was from the past year. Looking back on the past year though it seems that a lot has stayed the same but at the same time, EVERYTHING is different.

Hmmmm. He might be able to make a career out of impersonating me someday if I become when I get famous, if he works hard enough at it. Then he said all I needed to do was link in some song I'm currently obsessed with and talk about my new favorite tv show and the blog would basically finish itself. Have I become that predictable?

Like everyone else in the world, today I logged back into my work email, started cleaning the apartment, dusted off the juicer and resolved to do things differently this year. Eat healthier, be awesome at work, stop dating unavailable men. That's the plan. 

I wouldn't say 2013 was bad to me but I'm happy to let her go. And excited to start again. The American is in town, just like last Christmas, but this time he's not here to see me. Life keeps moving forward (seemingly with lightning speed these days) and the one thing I'm doing differently this year is breaking up with the past. Oh, it'll always be there, like that ex-boyfriend you just can't shake. Until one day, you wake up and realize his birthday was yesterday. And you forgot. 

The past is in the rearview mirror, what matters now is the road ahead. :) 

Ps: This show is awesome!! (and perhaps the reason I didn't have any time to blog the past couple of days): Les Revenants

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Wishing you all peace, love, happiness and all that good stuff. 

Sullivan out.