Merry Christmas or Bust

Lindsay: How about a wee Christmas blog?

Me: No way. That would just depress everyone, me included.

But it seems I cannot be stopped.

2016 has not been a stellar year. This was actually one of the worst years I've ever had. I think we all know though that it wasn't just me who ran into some really big roadblocks. A lot of people have been struggling to keep their head above water, hanging on for that magical day when we wake up and it's 2017.

Helen Mirren famously said: "At this time of celebration and togetherness, we have a chance to reflect on the year gone by. And I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a big pile of shit."

We've lost some legends: David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, George Michael. Last Christmas they were all still with us. The economy has been bad. It seems like every time you turn around someone else has cancer. Donald Trump is President elect of the United States. It could be a good time to lose hope altogether, pull the blankets over our heads and pretend the storm howling around us isn't there at all. Or...

...we could not give up. Not stop believing that everything is always new in a new year and that we can have a fresh start. It's not just a new year that gives us that chance. It's every single day when we wake up in the morning. Tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it. :)

Doesn't mean we won't make a few mistakes before we've even finished our morning coffee, or that we won't get a phone call with some bad news before we even leave for work. I know it's cliche to say that it's not our circumstances that define our happiness in life, it's our attitude. But cliches are cliches for a reason. And the older we get, the more we realize that is true.

As I look back on 2016, one of the biggest blessings I've received is realizing just how much the people in my life care about me. How lucky I am to have those that have stood by my side when I was afraid or sad or anxious. I have amazing friends.

How lucky I am to be home this Christmas with my family. To go to church with them on Christmas Eve (don't get me wrong, I'm never going back to church for real but the service was lovely), to wake up with them this morning, to have people to say "I love you" to before I go to bed.

We all have a choice on how we will look back on this past year. I'm not saying that a lot of us don't have good reasons to be glad to see it go and hope beyond hope that next year will be oh-so-much better. For us and for those we care for. But if we think really hard, I'm sure we can all come up with a pretty good list of things to be grateful for, leave this year in the past and be merry with our family and friends. At the end of the day, who knows if we'll still be here next Christmas? We can, however, thank the Universe we made it through to see this one.

Merry Christmas. I wish you all peace, love and laughter during the holidays. Remember: 2017 is only 7 days away! :)

Sullivan out.

Christmas Cockroach

Me: So my doctor gave me a clean bill of health (only relevant because in September I almost died)

My brother: That is fantastic, it's a miracle!

Me: I'm like a cockroach I can't be killed.

My brother: Oh yah, and people are trying to fumigate you. Jesus, this got morbid quick.

It's true. You can cut the head off a cockroach and they won't die, those crazy motherfuckers.

You know, it's funny. They talk all the talk about positivity, which I have always tried to send out to everyone who reads this blog. Apparently your attitude can make such a huge difference when it comes down to those situations where you may or may not die.

I stopped blogging because I wasn't willing to do that anymore. I honestly didn't care. If I lived, if I died, whatever. I had two friends who knew about it and against my wishes they contacted everyone else. Before I knew it, my hospital room was filled with flowers and I had so many visitors I just wished they would all leave.

I didn't call anyone that I wanted to say goodbye to when the doctors said there was a 90% chance I would die there. I honestly just didn't care.

But then things started changing. My last boss, he would come over every second day. Bring his lunch and sit next to my hospital bed and talk with me on his break before he went back to work. I didn't even work there anymore.

My ex-boyfriend would bring me food every day cause y'all know I'm a picky eater and hospital food sucks. He even brought my dog to see me because I was so sad I couldn't see him.

My friends in the dog park could tell I wasn't well when I got home and they'd take Max out for fun playdates in the country or at the beach. They invited me over for dinner tonight and we just talked and laughed and watched our dogs play like none of this ever happened.

But it did.

I re-learned a lesson I've learned so many times but keep forgetting. It's taken me months to process everything that happened. There were a few people noticeably absent. My mother, my sister. The guy I was seeing at the time. People who for whatever reason chose not to show up.

I can spend the rest of my life fixated on a few people who didn't love me enough. Or, I can realize that family is what you make of it. I have mothers and sisters and brothers who will never share my blood. But they share my life. They still want me around. And as much as I kind of have a beef with the Universe right now, apparently she's not done with me yet either.

At the end of day, I'm a nobody. Just a little, temporary speck in the Universe. The same Universe that keeps showing me over and over that I am blessed to have what I have. The people who choose to love me despite all my imperfections. All my mistakes. The friends who have got me through the past seven years and showed me what it's like to finally find unconditional love. The ones who hug me when I cry.

It's out there waiting for all of us. Jehovah's Witnesses? They're the ones who cut our heads off. Leave us bloodied and bleeding and untrusting of anyone who says they love us. The real world is full of loving, accepting, kind individuals who won't let us almost die alone, even if we want to.

It's December, Christmas is coming. Be happy. Be a cockroach. We're immortal :)

Sullivan out.

A Thousand Suns

I love you with the fierce intensity of a thousand suns.  - Donia Ruel

I had a roomate when I was working with Donia. M. We adopted her quote and wrote it down in notes to each other. And it was true. That's why it was so hard for me to say goodbye to Donia this past year. Love that strong, that loyal and that long standing is hard to replace. Not hard, impossible.

Our friendship outlasted my marriage by 13 years. M and I have been friends for 28 years now. On and off. We were bridesmaids in each others weddings. We wore the same shoes. Donia and I were easy soulmates, we were so alike. M and I were perfect opposites. Besides our taste in the same men, we didn't really have anything in common. She's brunette, I was always blonde. She's a gypsy, I'm more of the planting roots type of girl. There was however the fact that we both loved our coffee in the morning and a glass of wine at night.

One of the things I appreciate about my Jehovah's Witness upbringing was our simple, innocent childhood. I think the worst thing M and I ever did together was "borrow" her dad's truck one weekend and drive to the beach where we camped for the night. Listened to cheesy 90s heavy metal music and probably could have got ourselves killed had there been a serial killer in the area.

There wasn't, and two small town girls ended up in Toronto together. She hated my cat. I hated her sister. We made it work anyway.

I have one other friend of over 20 years that's not part of the crazy cult I left. When she got herself kicked out of the JWs, I shunned her.  When I got kicked out, M shunned me. We all came to our senses at different times in our life and the great thing about this is that none of us held a grudge. We all understood the brainwashing, the need to "obey". But as soon as we each walked away, we knew immediately who to call first to be there for us, to hold our hand and tell us we were doing the right thing. To hold on to a piece of our lost past that is so important to us.

I spent last weekend in Montreal with M. My absolutely lovely ex-boyfriend immediately cancelled the gift he'd ordered for me for Christmas and bought me a train ticket as soon as I mentioned M wanted me to come visit. I can't even really explain what it's like to be with her or K. I love my friends here. I have been extremely lucky with the people I happened to connect with since I've been on the outside. It's different though, being with someone who had the same upbringing as you, someone who knows all the really important people in your life - the ones who are departed - and who you don't have to explain or excuse your crazy to. We watched fireworks at midnight on New Years and went home and watched Anne of Green Gables.

I left Montreal feeling happier than I've felt in almost a year. That I have those connections, that family. The ones who don't have to reach to try to understand me. I was still in my happy haze when I went back to work. I walked out that first day to grab some lunch and I ran into HER. The only one besides my ex-husband and my family that I still miss. I practically raised her, she was my sunshine, my baby. Unfortunately I brainwashed her into the cult and now we're just strangers who pass on the street sometimes.

She gave me a hug and said we should do lunch sometime. I'm pretty sure that was just because she was with her co-workers. There's a lot of complicated rules to being a JW. When you're with "outsiders" you have to pretend to love everyone. When you're on the inside you have to pretend not to care about the outsiders.

I took a chance though and texted her. V just said "Are you okay?" Of course I'm okay, princess. Y'all know I had a really terrible year in 2015. But that's over. The only pain I had to deal with was inflicted by the JWs. And a death. I have countless people to thank that I got to the other side. Family, work, friends. They got me through it. Because my darling V, that's what people do here on the outside. We love and support each other unconditionally. Sometimes it's tough love. But we don't discard people based on their life choices. When you're ready, and you will be because you're my girl, we're all here. Ready to shine out the fierce love of a thousand suns.

Sullivan out.

Merry Little Christmas

Christmas. It's a strange time of year. It's the best of times, the worst of times. On one hand, some people go out of their way to be kinder than usual. I was at the farmers market on Christmas eve and there were two people ahead of me in line to buy flowers. A young, hipster-ish guy and an older lady. He was buying the most beautiful flowers and she made a comment about them. He took one rose out, handed it to the store clerk and asked him if he could wrap it up separately. Then he turned around and gave it to her and said Merry Christmas. He walked away and she started crying.

I don't know her story but all of us can have a bit of a hard time over the holidays. They might make you feel more single, more lonely. If you've lost people over the past year you miss them more. If you are far away from your family you feel more alone.

Other people completely miss the meaning of the season. I was at the post office the other day sending something down home to my family and a woman yelled at the guy who shut the door as they were closing because he wouldn't let her in - the line up was already way too long. She refused to leave, she just yelled and yelled.

It's a time of joy and gratitude, but it's also the time of year that people push you out of the way in the stores and you stress about how much money you're spending trying to show your friends and family how much they mean to you.

I went to midnight mass, like I do every year. (Although apparently that's at 8:30 pm these days.) I don't know why I go. I don't like religion and after this past year, I dislike it more than usual. I put on a pretty dress and tried to be open to it, but I just got up and left after the first half, went home and almost cried. I don't judge people who are believers or who find meaning in their church. I just know that religion has caused significant pain, suffering and loss in my life and for right now anyways, I just don't need the reminder.

It was Max's first Christmas here and just like his mom, he wouldn't leave his presents alone under the tree until morning, he kept pulling them out to play with.

Yesterday I went to Christmas dinner with my girlfriends family. I've met so many kind people these past few years who make sure I'm not alone over the holidays. The turkey dinner was fabulous and it was bittersweet to be surrounded by four generations of a real family. I felt honored to be included, I also felt acutely the absence of the people I've lost this year. The ones I'm not getting back this time.

At the end of the day, I feel very grateful for what I have. My own little eclectic "family" that I built for myself. The ups and downs of the past few days are normal for all of us. It was a very merry little Christmas with some bumps along the way for most of us. We all helped each other through it with lots of laughs and hugs and kisses and some cute little presents. And we'll do it all again in 2016. :)

Sullivan out.

A Few Good Men

Y'all know that I love my girls. Thankfully, I decided to leave the JWs and I was able to save a couple of those life long friendships that I wouldn't have anymore if I hadn't been kicked out too. I have a few girls here in Toronto that are like sisters to me. I can count on them being there when I need them. My aunts and Grandma are amazing.

But this post is about the boys. In no particular order: my uncle, my dad, my boss, my therapist, my roomate and my ex-boyfriend.

When I was home this summer, I talked to my uncle about how I had a hard time finding real meaning in life without my religious beliefs. He told me he found meaning in helping his family. If that's the case, I've provided him with enough meaning to get through a long time out from here. He has been my rock in a storm. He's not all that touchy-feely but he gave me a lot of hugs and he's taken really good care of me.

My dad and I have had our ups and downs like any crazy, messed up family would. But we always love each other and find our way back to being us. I think I'm the most like him out of my siblings and even though I think he tried to kill me this past summer by taking me on a huge hike through woods and lakes and sand dunes on the hottest day of the year without any water - it's still one of my favorite days I had this past year.

My boss/mentor/friend has believed in me so many times this past year when I didn't believe in myself. It's been almost a year since the incident with my sister's wedding. I haven't been on my game. I started a new job and to be honest, I haven't been great at it. Which is strange for me, I'm used to being good at things.

I wish y'all had known me as a JW (I also wish you didn't, because I probably would have annoyingly tried to convert you) but I was on top of things. I was the perfect little elders wife in a Vietnamese congregation. I was too young to be married and too young to take care of so many other people. I burnt out. And then my sister kicked me out of her wedding. And then Donia died. My boss sees past the circumstances and thinks I'm smart and I have potential. Every time he tells me that, I believe it a little more.

My therapist is not conventional. That's why I like him. He probably knows me better than anyone else. He'll do our sessions by phone if I can't leave the house. The second time I became suicidal, he just gave me a hug and said he'd miss me and let me go home. He didn't call anyone (which I know is not what he's supposed to do). It made me feel like he trusted me to make the right choice this time and I was in charge of my own life. He's offered to take me to the hospital after I tried to check myself in and they didn't think I seemed "sad enough" to get help. He's treated me for free when I ran out of money even though he charges $200 an hour. He cut his rates in half this year when I went back.

My roomate and my ex-boyfriend: spoiler alert - they hate each other. They put up with each other though, because they both love me. Both of them have been there to pick me up at the hospital after all of the surgeries I've had this past year. They both make sure I eat, hold my hand when I'm sad, sent me care packages when I was out east in the summer. They walk my dog.

It's true that men sometimes have a harder time getting in touch with and dealing with feelings. My struggle with depression and anxiety hasn't been easy. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and Religious Trauma Syndrome. These guys have all stepped out of their comfort zones to try to understand and be supportive.

Everyone knows I'm terrible at dating. Guys like me but they never stick around. I'm not sure I really need a life partner though. It's nice to be with someone. Maybe though, I'm too complicated to rely on just one guy. With the crew I have behind me now, I've managed to weather the worst of storms. I feel strong and motivated and happy. And I have a dog. :)

So I want to say thank you to all the awesome men in my life. And to their women who share them with me. I have Max for the next 10-12 years and he couldn't leave me if he wanted to. :)

Happy Holidays from us.

Sullivan out.

All I want for Christmas...

Is exactly what I have. 

I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes us insane. Yesterday I walked into my friends work. He's gay and when he decided to live the life that was true to him, his JW family cut him off and never came back. 

Him: How's it going Maggie? (Only one other person has ever nicknamed me that. I secretly love it.)

Me: (Sighs as she drops her shopping bags.) Christmas is hard work. Maybe I was better off in the cult. 

He laughed and laughed. He gets me. :)

I was feeling kinda crazy though. My psychic told me in the summer that I had bad karma. And if I paid her $300 she could get rid of it for me. That the love of my life was out there and we were both unhappy apart. If I removed the bad karma he would come back. 

So - yes I know as I'm typing this I'm an idiot - I emailed him. All I said was Merry Christmas. He sent me a note back and I cried and cried. And I called the psychic three times, determined to fix this before Christmas. She didn't pick up and I think the Universe was sending me a message. 

I realized I don't want him to come back unless that's what he wants. I honestly don't need a man in my life, I just miss him sometimes. I really did love him. But last night my brother came over and we watched a cheesy Christmas movie and opened all our presents. We're not big on waiting until Christmas morning. I woke up this morning with someone I truly care about. We have a pretty tree, two cats and way too much chocolate. 

The first guy I dated after my two year hiatus after getting divorced gave me the best gift ever - he let me into his family. I haven't seen him in awhile, but I got a call this morning to come over for dinner. His family has been my family for so long now I can't imagine there was ever a time we weren't all together. I showed up for turkey dinner. I have my own spot at the table. I let his daughter give me pink highlights which may or may not have been the best idea depending on whether or not they wash out before I have to go back to work. 

He's as handsome as ever. And I'm so happy he's home. I'm so grateful for everything and everyone I have. I have a whole family again, I have a new family that I've build over the past few years. It's been hard, I won't lie. 

If you're not happy though, tearing everything down and building it up again can make you the happiest person ever. Pushing boundaries, letting new people in...it's all worth it. Like I said at the beginning of this post...all I want for Christmas is exactly what I have now. Thank you all for being a part of that. And I hope you've found exactly what you're looking for too. 

Sullivan out. 

PS: Merry Christmas!! xo

Pen & Paper

I received my first Christmas card last night from a dear friend. I have to say, written messages: cards, letters, etc. - it's a lost art. 

One of my favorite exs used to write me love letters, and I think that's one of the reasons I will always love him. I keep them in a box and never look at them, but if I wanted to, they are there. We should all throw away our bills and bank statements once we've dealt with them, but keep your old letters. In the age of FaceBook and Email those are special. 

When I was a teenager, my girlfriends and I always wrote letters to each other. I still have all of them in a box under my bed. I'm not sure when we got too busy to write, I guess the problem with putting pen to paper is that we can't backspace when we make a mistake. We have to start over. Or live with that mistake and send it anyways. 

In life, we usually can't "backspace" either. As much as we may want things to be different, those past episodes are are written dark ink. The stains are impossible to get out. 

There is something about the holiday season though that makes me feel like we should just stop with the insanity of life and think about how to make that intimate connection again with the people we love. Not just sign a Christmas card for the sake of ticking boxes off a list, but because we have something to communicate to the people who are important to us. To be honest, the cards are what make me happiest, not the perfectly wrapped presents. 

We are all individuals and we see the world differently. I've been told how we do that is 90% our own perspective. That's true. But half the battle is being able to listen to the other person and try to understand their 90% perspective on things. It doesn't mean we have to agree, just be open to the conversation. 

The alternative is, of course, that we ignore it. That we don't speak our mind or be true to ourselves for the sake of keeping peace. 

Unfortunately for everyone I know, I'm way too good at saying how I feel. It may have been the lifetime of repressing that before but now I think if you want to be part of my life, you should talk to me. I'll listen to you but please hear me too. We can agree to disagree but if you don't even want to listen then I'm not sure how we move forward. 

Maybe I'll send you a letter. :)