Reality Bites

I have good news. I have a new job. I miss the old job already, but mostly just the people. My old boss Stuart always said "Onward and upward!". He had so many lines and buzzwords we actually played Stuart Buzzword Bingo the night we said goodbye to him. I still have his playing board on the wall because apparently I'm a hoarder and don't know how to say good-bye to anyone. 

This new job was a long time coming, but worth the wait. It's a big learning curve and I'm trying to keep up. It is a much better fit for me and I'm excited. After five years it was time to move on. 

But y'all know I hate change. There's all those people out there who think change is fun, it's exciting. I don't know if it was because I was raised JW that I don't know the best way to process even the best of changes. They made me scared. 

My brother invited me over about a month ago and we watched Reality Bites. If you didn't grow up in the 90s and want to know how that went, just rent the movie. It's pretty accurate. Even the scene where they go to the gas station and buy treats with her dad's gas card. I did that back in the day. I was driving a black Bronco and going to the movies with Scott, my rugby star non-JW boyfriend. We went in and bought all the treats we wanted for the movies on daddy's gas card. I guess I've never been 100% straight laced. :)

That seems like 100 years ago. I honestly never thought I'd get older than 23, that life would continue as it does. It seems ridiculous looking back, but I thought Armageddon was coming and I would live forever in a Paradise on earth. I actually believed that. Now I know the truth. The truth is, we go to work. Some of us are lucky enough to enjoy it. Some of us are lucky enough to be surrounded with the best people you could hope for. I'm one of those people and I'm very grateful. 

Then we come home, eat something, watch some tv. Maybe grab a drink with a friend. If we're very, very lucky, we might fall in love, have someone to count the days with. If it happens, we could have a kid. That would be lovely. It doesn't change the fact though, that I'm not ready to confront the reality that we're all going to die. My therapist can't help me, my friends can't help me. 

When I was in the hospital for surgery on the weekend, I asked the anesthesiologist if there was a chance I might die from the drugs. She just said vaguely that there's a chance of anything in life. It was very comforting. :)

They kept saying: "You're alone. Why are you alone?"

I should have told them it's because they won't let big ass dogs into the OR. Or because most of the people I love most don't live live within driving distance to the OR. 

It hasn't been a stellar week. I am happy about the new job though and grateful for the people who have got me this far. Reality Bites. 

Sullivan out.