Same Love

I went out to run some errands today with Max. I decided it was a great idea to buy a huge Christmas tree. Groceries on one shoulder, Max on the other hand. Christmas tree somewhere in the middle.

This lovely couple stopped and were like, are you okay? Of course I was. I am a strong, independent woman who can at 111 lbs lug her own gigantic Christmas tree home. (I couldn't have done it. I would have given up and left it in the park.)

They walked me all the way home switching up who was carrying it. One of the guys has this beautiful long hair. I told him I loved his hair. His boyfriend was like, don't tell him that, he's cutting it all off. The guy was like my mom had cancer and she beat it. So I grew my hair out to donate it to cancer patients who need wigs.

WTF?! There are good people everywhere in this world. It gets hard to believe it with what we're living in right now. Some psycho in the White House running our free world who hates anyone who's different or female. Or what about the baby who is running our country? If there was a like button for "terrorists" on Facebook he'd be all over that. With a selfie of course.

I don't really care about politics and y'all know I HATE RELIGION.

It's good to be reminded that most of us are decent. That love transcends hate and we'll get through this. No matter how much they try to control us, keep us down, the world is changing. Most of us are changing with it. : )

Sullivan out.

Hearts Don't Break Around Here

I know what you're thinking and you're right. I am obsessed with Ed Sheeran. This song plays on repeat in my apartment.

But seriously, how many times has my heart been broken? I don't even know. Do you count that by each person? What if it was a group heartbreak - is that just one or hundreds?

Either way, it's been a rough go.

So much so, that I can't even trust it when good things happen. I've always considered myself an optimist. Then I became an optimist with depression who tried to kill herself.

I've learned something very valuable...finally. Don't go it alone. Take the help that's offered. The Universe always comes through, usually by providing the right people in your life at the right time. If you're lucky it will drop a huge dog you didn't necessarily want in your lap. :)

It will be 8 years in June since I was kicked out of the JWs. It was the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't pretend to be wise, but everything does happen for a reason. Cliches are cliches for a reason.

It wasn't until I turned 40 though that I finally felt like I had purpose in my life again. I actually love going to work in the morning. Steve Jobs said: "Sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith."

Winston Churchill said: "If you're going through hell, just keep going." And the great Ed Sheeran said: "I love the way you conquer your fears. Hearts don't break around here." (One of these days I will get over my love of redheads)

I called Kyla and said my boss asked me to lunch and I thought he was going to fire me. That's how my brain is wired now. Nothing good stays. He actually just wanted to give me a present for Max. I told her I wasn't used to good things happening to me. She said she wasn't used to that either.

We can fix that though. We can conquer our fears, we can change our thought process.

I saw a reiki master the other week. I don't really "get" reiki. It's all energy work and all my psychics think my energy is bad. She told me that the thing I didn't understand was how loved I was. She said she saw a flock of birds, flying in formation, circling around me. She couldn't have possibly known about my bird obsession.

Or that my mentor told me that's called a "murmuration". Us lost people can find each other and make something beautiful out of any situation if we do it together.

Life is beautiful. I appreciate it every day and love all those people who chose to love me despite my brokenness. I doubt my heart will ever break again.

Sullivan out.

In Repair

My conversation with my therapist on Friday:

Ross: You've had a bad month. Maybe you should get rid of your sword.

Me (annoyed): You're the one who told me to get a sword.

Ross: Hmmm. You're right. So how about we just say the sword is your friend?

The sword is my friend. But like all my friends, it has hurt me. One night I had friends over and they were making fun of me and they said, that's not a real sword. So I took it off the wall to prove that it was. It fell out of it's sheath and slashed me. I probably should have gone to the hospital and gotten stitches but Jayjay thinks anything can be cured by putting ice on it. I have a nasty little scar on my wrist and for months people accused me of trying to kill myself again.

Give me a little credit. I already have one failed suicide attempt to my name. I wouldn't be stupid the next time. You don't slash it that way, you do it the other way.

I have realized something though. It's not my friends who make me think about things like that. I wouldn't even be here today without three people. You know who you are. You love me even when I get down, even when I cry. And you celebrate me when I'm on top. You are the best. Like everyone I know who is messed up, my problem is with my mother.

I would like to think if I had been lucky enough to have kids, I would have loved them no matter what. It wouldn't matter to me what religion they chose, whether they were straight or gay, whether they made tons of money or decided to be struggling artists.

We all make choices. My choices have got me to where I am today. Ross says though, that's a good thing. That I need to stop doubting myself and basing my self worth on the people who judge me, And he's right. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Fuck Linda.

I am in repair. I might never be the "perfect" person I was as a Jdub. And I'm totally okay with that. All you really need is three people to love you, to believe in you. My dad always says you can count the number of real friends you have in your life on one hand. I'm lucky. : )

The hair goes pink again today, just FYI.

Sullivan out.

The Happiness Project

"If you want to be happy, be." - Tolstoy

After my most recent brush with death, I haven't spent very much time trying to figure life out. It's strange, I think a lot of times, people who go through that have these great epiphanies. "Oh now I know what I want, what was missing, where to channel my energy in life." Not me. And I used to be a great romantic. Maybe I've just almost died too many times. 

I walked out of the hospital, went home to bed and cursed the entire time I was in recovery. Not on the outside. When my family (who worries about me) calls, I'm "great". My girlfriend kept asking me "How do you stay so happy and positive? I'd be going mental." Truth be told, I kinda was. But I manned up. I was diligent about healthy food and taking my meds on time and going to all my doctor's appointments, even when there were four or five of them in a week. I worked so hard to get better, even when I wasn't sure that's what I wanted. I don't even write anymore. 

I've gradually re-introduced myself to real life and there's one thing I've noticed. People in general are just not happy. I was talking to a kid today (like a 20-something) and asked him why did he think our generation is so messed up? My friends are smart, successful, stable, good-looking. Why aren't they happy? He said he thought the world has always been like this, but now there's more awareness. More effort to break the stigmas around mental health and allow people to be honest and get the help they need. That's the answer you'd expect from someone young and optimistic. 

Y'all know I've been through a couple of bad depressions. This time though, I didn't go back there. Maybe I was just in survival mode. Maybe I've done such a good job on my positivity campaign that I've even fooled myself into thinking that I'm happy. 

I had lunch with my girlfriend today and she said: "But Margaux, you don't have any problems!" Okay buddy. I have news for you. I've had some bad years. Every year I think things will get better but they don't. 2016? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I got very, very sick. I don't have a job. I dated two guys in the past year, really liked both of them. I hate online dating but I met them both in real life. Everything was great, until out of the blue they each dumped me for no reason they cared to share. If I don't find a job soon I'll probably have to pack up my dog and either be homeless or move back to the Maritimes. It's scary some days. 

I think the trap of the idea of "happiness" is just that we think we all deserve it. And we deserve to feel it ALL the time. Of course, if I could wave a wand and make everyone in the world happy, I would. But that's not the world we live in. Even if you get that job you really want, or the guy you want to marry, the kids, the financial stability, the health...every day it's still going to be up to you to get up and decide if you're happy or not. It's really not our circumstances, it's our mindset. I'm not trying to downplay depression and anxiety, I know all too well that they can be consuming. I still have old JW-life nightmares when I wake up scared and confused and I don't remember what happened to half my family, to my husband. After a few minutes it comes back and I realize this is my life now. I have to get out of bed regardless. 

If I had to go back, I'd make most of the same decisions all over again, with a few tweaks. Knowing you're doing your best and being true to yourself - that's a big part of the Happiness Project. We all need to work at it. But if you do it long enough, it doesn't really seem to be so much work. :)

Here's something that makes me happy: pink hair. If I wasn't afraid I might actually get called for an interview one of these days, I'd keep it. Find whatever it is that makes you happy. When things are good, smile all day. It won't make the bad days go away, but it will give you something to draw on to get you through to tomorrow. 

Sullivan out.