Tired and Scared

Love can save us all? Thank you Blue Rodeo for making us believe in that.

They are right though. Love breaks you. Life breaks you. It breaks everyone. Then it puts you back together. And then many are strong in the broken places.

Been thinking about a friend who passed two years ago this week. He decided the fight wasn't worth it. And I don't judge him. We planned his funeral. We love him. Sometimes it feels like it's all too much and I think I'd rather take the easy way out. So if you feel that way, it's okay. Just find coping mechanisms that help you. Apparently, suicidal crises are usually temporary. You can believe anything you read on the internet right? :)

People get down and then they find a way to climb back up. Life is peaks and valleys. Either one offers a good view, doesn't it? Call a friend. Go outside. (I know the weather is shit here today so maybe not right now.)

George dropped a puppy on me a little bit before this happened. I was mad at him. I never would have picked out Max at a shelter. He's too big. Now every day I thank him for choosing me because this dog has changed my life. And reminds me to think of George and remember our lives are precious. Even when we're tired and scared. Still determined to see the world through rose colored glasses. :)

Hasn't Hit Me Yet

I'll be the first to admit I haven't really been on my game lately. I'm so happy to be back at work but after being off/sick for so long, it's really hard to get your stamina back. I am trying, for sure, but the other day I came home for lunch and thought I'd just lie down for a few minutes. I woke up half an hour later in a panic and had to go back to work hungry. The people there though are great, there's lots of leftover Halloween candy and those things make everything worth it. :)

Speaking of Halloween, can you guess who I was?

Everyone said "bar wench" and asked me to make them drinks. Not correct. Then there was the incident of me dropping my phone (again) and having to spend all day Saturday trying to get it fixed. It was expensive. I think I might need to get a land line for emergencies. 

The real story here though is that today was awesome. It's possible I've completely embarrassed myself twice now with my semi-celebrity crush, but I think he thinks I'm adorable and if I hadn't been so lazy this morning and put my hair in a ponytail before work I would probably be married by now to Jim Cuddy. 

I love Blue Rodeo. They're my favorite (sorry U2, you guys are a very close second). My sister and I discovered them together at an all day, multi-musical group concert when we were new to Toronto. I still have a picture of us somewhere sitting on a blanket on the grass. And that's usually how I see them now. They always play in August. I always sit on the grass and buy the tshirt. They always do a show in February and I figure that's my birthday month so I can justify buying some tickets and guilting some friend who doesn't really love them into going with me. 

Their best concert I saw was a secret one they performed at a little dive bar in Toronto. And as close as I got to them that night, I'd still never met them. So many of their songs resonate with me, but having two lead singers mixes it up. Usually my favorite songs are Greg's. (Don't tell Jim. Greg just has a bit more edge. Hasn't Hit Me Yet is the best song ever.) But I've always had a crush on Cuddy. He kinda looks like my dad. And he's the one who sings "Try". 

I ran into him once in Kensignton Market. It was one of those split seconds where you recognize someone as they are walking past you. I turned around and said "Jim Cuddy!" he looked back and I couldn't think of the right thing to say to this man whose songs I'd listened to a thousand times.  So I just said " I love you". He got that "she's a crazy stalker" look in his eye, laughed and kept walking. I was like, damn. 

This morning, I was running late. So for maybe the third time ever in the 4.5 years I've been at this job, I put my hair in a ponytail, grabbed an umbrella and ran out of my apartment and right into my crush. Apparently (according to Spencer) I was the biggest geek ever. If I was hoping to redeem myself from our awkward first run-in, that didn't happen. 

I said the exact same thing I said the first time: "Jim Cuddy". He had a guitar and some luggage with him. I could have asked him to play "Try" and how fun would it have been if he opened his guitar case and started playing on the sidewalk and the Bay Streeters walking by would throw some change into it?

But I was dedicated to redeeming myself this time. So no, I did not tell him that I love him. (Sidepoint: I really don't care about dating right now, but I do love you Jim. I do.) Instead, I was just an overly talkative mess. It would appear that I told him not once, not twice but four times that I go see every show they do in the city. And that I accidentally told him I loved him in Kensignton Market once. And lots of stuff about how great the band is and how much I love their music. Then I asked if we could take a picture. And look at us. We're besties now. :) He really is the loveliest guy and if you want to hit them up at Massey Hall in February, call me. 

Sullivan out.