The Dreamer

"I am just a dreamer but I'm hanging on. Though I am nothing big to offer. I watch the birds, how they dive and then gone like nothing in this world is ever still."


I've had a lot of change this year. 2016 kinda sucked. I left my job, the only really stable thing in my life besides Max. Then there was the whole almost dying drama. Then the guy I was seeing - actually the first guy I ever really liked since I left the jdubs dumped me. And why wouldn't he? I'm fabulous but I'm also a mess.

The thing is, I've gone through most of the past seven years like I'm fucking Uma in Kill Bill. I even bought the same sword. (Sidepoint: Swords are sharp, Don't play with them.) As I went on my vendetta against the JWs for what they did to me, I had to eventually realize that I have accountability here too.

I knew what I was doing when I broke the rules, and I also knew that breaking the rules is the only way to break free of them. My perfect little life there wasn't real. But it felt real. So when it was gone, I picked up my sword and went on the attack. And there's really no reason to. All of these new people who have come along, all of the new opportunities I've had - that's the real life. It's not some illusion of how everyone is always best friends and we're going to live forever.

We won't. I don't know what happens when we die, but I do know that we're gone. So we have to make the most of what we have now, appreciate every kindness and all the love we're shown. Because all of us are worthy of that. No matter how many mistakes we've made.

I let my guard down this year and decided to let someone in. Didn't work out, but unless we take that step, we're just going to end up alone. As much as I've told myself thousands of times over the past seven years that I don't need anyone...I do. We all need people.

I know I say this every New Years and it never seems to work out for me, I think this year will be better. I used to be such a dreamer but I'm pretty firmly rooted in reality now. Doesn't mean that I don't still watch the birds and imagine that some day I'll be that free. I'm almost there. Love is all that matters. If someone doesn't want to give you that, wish them well and move on. And wait for the people who will. Keep the sword close though, just in case. :)

Sullivan out.