Phoenix Rising

In ancient Greek mythology, a phoenix is a bird, that's always reborn. It rises from the ashes of it's predecessor, thanks to a little help from the Sun God.

My girlfriend: This is OUR year! Phoenix rising!

Me: Sure.

In my head, I thought nope. I tell myself every single year, this year will be different. Better. I'll be stronger. Then usually, the Universe tries to kill me again. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I make myself sick. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This last time though, my mentor came to see me in the hospital. I was hooked up to all these tubes and generally miserable and he was like, you're not depressed this time though. I'm really proud of you. I'll tell you a secret: I wasn't depressed because I just didn't care if I died or not this time. To be honest, not the time before that either. Or the time before that.

I know I've let you all down a bit. I keep getting messages asking why I don't write anymore. I guess I just gave up. What's the point of continuing in a fight you know you're never going to win? The Watchtower, like all big corporations, is fueled by money hungry, selfish men who are self-important enough to wield their power without remorse over their loyal, blind subjects. Who obey either out of guilt, fear or just plain brainwashing.

Like any organization, they're not all bad. There are some very, very good, yet terribly misled people amoung them. Some of us used to be those people. Then we woke up. Realized the truth and despite how hard we tried, we couldn't un-learn what we now know.

They are so good at the guilt and fear though, most of us can't say anything out loud against them. For fear of repercussion. Fear of losing our families. All the people we have ever loved.

The Universe reminded me last week that I'm not supposed to shut up. If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I think I've helped a lot of you to quietly get out the smart way. Not the way I did - crash and burn. I promise you though, I'll always be here if you need to talk. I can tell your story if you want me to (anonymously), and some of you have already asked me to do that. I'm sorry I've been absent. I shouldn't be. Unlike most of you, I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore.

The phoenix rises from the ashes. Remember that. We can be re-born and become stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. We just have to go through the fire to get there. It's magic. If you believe in it, you will get there. :)

PS. A phoenix is so much cooler than a blackbird, isn't it??

Sullivan out.

Second Sight

What is reality?

You don't know either do you? What if, we could enhance what we see and figure that out? That's the premise for his book.  I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. Sometimes I make mistakes though. That's probably why I'm still single :)

I met an author yesterday and he is really interesting. Me? I just write about my silly sex and the city/I hate Jehovah's Witnesses life. I don't really understand how people are able to come up with these elaborate stories in their head. I'm a writer, I'm in my head all the time. I wish me and my head could take a break. Not a break-up, just a break.

I used to be able to do that. Make up stories. My fifth grade teacher pulled me aside one day and said my story was so good that I should try to publish it. But then I forget how to do anything for myself. It was all about everyone else.

While I figure out the best way to write this story, which will probably take me all day and maybe tomorrow too, here's a sneak peek. And if you like this, there's another book coming.

https://www.amazon.ca/Second-Sight-Maximilian-Pereira/dp/1496994213

Sullivan out.

What do you mean?

Alright, I'm a not so closet Justin Bieber fan. But the kid is right. Y'all can be really difficult to figure out. I love you, I don't. I want you in my life, I don't. I'll always be there for you, I won't.

My love for people is unconditional. To a fault. To the point where I have severely damaged myself giving out too many second chances. Third chances. More than that.

I'm so imperfect, I can't even start to write a list of all the areas I could improve on. But I know one thing for sure. I know how to love. And sometimes that is what destroys you.

I've been extremely lucky to find some really amazing people who will accept me, love me, take chances on me despite everything that's happened. You know who you are.

This back and forth though? I really can't take it anymore. I'm done. That's why I block people from my phone and email. How many times can you get burned by the same people and just smile when they give you some little treat to go on? I'm not a dog.  I have a dog. I give him treats but he also gets to sleep next to me in the bed. I love him even when he makes mistakes.

You JWs though? Leave me alone. I've heard from two more in the past week. And they mean well. I love them. But stop. It's been SIX years. The shun/unshun, love/unlove - it's gotta stop. Delete my phone number. My email address. Stop trying to save my soul. I'm going to hell in every religion. The good part? I don't believe in hell. Hell is here. Heaven is here. I'm sorry you can't see the wreckage you leave behind every time you pretend to care about me but you're really just trying to convert me back. Or maybe it's something else. I know I'm good at making people feel loved. And even in the lovely on the outside, psycho on the inside organization they have set up for you, you don't find the kind of connection with most of them that you had with me. That's because I wasn't faking it. Or doing it out of obligation. I really did love you. I'm sorry if you miss me. That was your choice to get rid of me though.

I'm proud to be an APOSTATE. You had the past six years of me trying to build a bridge where we could meet somewhere in the middle. Not anymore. The bridge is burned. I'm sorry that y'all are having to listen to all the reports of sex abuse cover up, all the recent scandals with the organization. The court cases, the constant pressure they are putting on you to donate more money to help them deal with this.

Staying there though, is your choice. It's been a long path from where we all began. I'm so far off the beaten track though you should stop trying. I'm not the one lost, you are. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. Please though, stop fucking with my brain. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. Or I'll have to start turning you in for talking to an apostate. The worst crime any JW could ever commit. Don't be guilty of it.

Sullivan out.

We Need Your Voice

"Rights are won only by those who make their voices heard." - Harvey Milk

I have the cutest friend at work. 

Me: I have to leave on time tomorrow. I have this charity thing. 
Him: Awesome. Who are you going with?
Me: My boyfriend. 
Him: You have a new boyfriend? That's great!
Me: Well, he's gay. 
Him. Ohhhh. That might not work out so well. 

It's actually the perfect situation. I'm thinking of giving up on straight men entirely, they never work out well for me. 

Now before y'all start hating on me for writing another silly blog about boys, let's talk some JW. I've been getting a lot of feedback on the story. I've been called a home wrecker, adulteress, melodramatic, self serving, self promoting, been called out for leaving the religion my mother wanted for me, so how could I possibly expect a different response than the shunning? 

I've been blamed for ruining other people's lives with my choices. I ran into an old friend who hasn't really talked to me in FIVE years yesterday. She cried about me leaving the j-dubs while I consoled her. My mother cried when she asked me WHY? Why do you have to be the voice of these people? 

Because if we don't speak up, things will never change. Someone commented on the story online and said "Could anyone tolerate what Margaux has done? Of course yes if one could tolerate lesbianism, gayism and the rest." Are those even real words? How the hell can we live in a society, in Canada, in 2014 where such ignorance and intolerance exists? It makes me sick. 

I am who I am, JW on paper or not, I do not support their belief system. I am getting a little bit brave about the fact that they haven't tried to discipline me yet. Can I really get away with this and still be able to talk to my mom and my sister? I wish I could be a fly on the wall at all those elder meetings where they are trying to figure out how to deal with me without making this into a bigger commotion than it already is. 

I am an ally. The gay community has been so accepting of me since I've been "out", in my own way. Prejudice in this area is despicable. 

To the ex-jw community I have one request: so many of you have reached out and contacted me since the article came out. My writer Rosemary was brave enough to tell a story that so many of you resonate with and feel is completely true, even those of you who don't know me, because you've been through such similar situations. Canadian Living has been receiving so many letters with negative feedback, saying it's all lies. Be anonymous if you like, but could you please take a few minutes to tell them what you've been telling me - the truth. Y'all keep thanking me for having the courage to tell this story. Be an ally - please tell them yours. :)

Sullivan out.