Because I don't believe in anything. And I want to be someone who believes.
I've done an amazing job at being messed up. I'm more than just a little misunderstood. You wanna love me then you're in for a great ride. I was thinking this morning about how my ex-husband wanted his brother to be his best man at our wedding. Watchtower wouldn't let him have the weekend off though to come to his brother's wedding. His brother's wedding. Fuck them.
It makes me think that just if we hadn't been owned and controlled by them, maybe we would have been happy. Maybe I'd still have a family. Maybe I wouldn't have made so many bad choices.
My therapist last week was like, let's be honest Margaux. You're not depressed anymore. You're angry. Awesome. Only took me 9 years to move from grief to anger. I think I still have three steps to go.
There are different types of people out there. There are people who can get over something like this. And the ones who don't. I've tried to be the voice for everyone who has gone through this and spin it positive. Truth is, I'm a hypocrite. I'm not happy. But I'm happier than I would be back there with those crazies. Maybe this is just life. It's hard. Our friends are starting to die. My boyfriend is probably going to break up with me when he gets out of bed.
I still want to believe the heart of life is good. Help?
Showing posts with label truth be told. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth be told. Show all posts
Saturday, 26 May 2018
Friday, 11 August 2017
Rabbit Hole
Did y'all miss me? I'm coming out of retirement temporarily for a couple of reasons. 1) I don't think anyone is cyber stalking me right now. 2) I haven't written anything in almost 6 months and I'm dying. 3) I'm so proud of Toronto right now I have to talk about it.
Catch CityNews last night? They did an hour long segment exposing the JWs for being a cult who shuns people. They interviewed three people who have left. One fader, one disfellowshipped and one who disassociated. (You will only understand those terms if you were in it, so let me know if you need a dictionary. I've been all three at different times.)
If you didn't see it you can catch some highlights here: http://www.citynews.ca/video/2017/08/10/video-leaving-the-jehovahs-witnesses/
They called it "Leaving Jehovah". The US is way ahead of us, and as usual, we've had a slow start here in Canada. I've spent a lot of years feeling alone in my well-intentioned yet slightly angry public crusade against the Watchtower. These three people though, were brave enough to tell their stories and speak out.
It was accurately and well done in my opinion. Some of the discussion was very on point. "Being an apostate is the worst sin you could commit." True. I know they all think I am am very dangerous. Although the Watchtower did make a kids cartoon about how gay marriage is the equivalent of taking scissors on an airplane. So I guess they think that's pretty bad in their eyes too. Although I don't really get the analogy. They need better PR/Marketing people. If I had a gun to my head and was forced to explain to my six year old how it wasn't okay to love who you love, to have two mommies or live your life the way you wanted to, I don't think scissors on an airplane is the way I would go. But what do I know? Some of my best friends are gay. They seem more like a warm blanket and a big hug when I need them than scissors on a plane to me.
One of the other guys said he invited his JW family to his upcoming wedding. They refused to go. He said the next time they'll all be in the same room will be for a funeral. Where he will be shunned by everyone, not comforted for his loss. I believe that about my family. Then again, haven't we all had to mourn that loss already?
They talked about nightmares of Armageddon coming and dying in flames. Would've been better to live that in real life in the last Game of Thrones episode (spoiler alert!) than in your dreams. That looked like fun! I can attest to the fact that long after you stop believing, the dreams still haunt you.
I honestly, sincerely believe that it's all worth it. That we're happier being free. I don't mean to minimize anything anyone is currently going through. But isn't it better not to be brainwashed? To make your own decisions for the first time in your life? Scary as hell. But worth it.
I'm so proud of all these people for telling their stories. I never wanted to be the lone voice. I always wanted us to join forces and expose them by speaking out together. If you want to join in, you can be anonymous. Or you can show your face. Let's take these fuckers down.
Alice never would have got to wonderland, had she not fallen down the rabbit hole. Let's free fall.
Sullivan out.
Catch CityNews last night? They did an hour long segment exposing the JWs for being a cult who shuns people. They interviewed three people who have left. One fader, one disfellowshipped and one who disassociated. (You will only understand those terms if you were in it, so let me know if you need a dictionary. I've been all three at different times.)
If you didn't see it you can catch some highlights here: http://www.citynews.ca/video/2017/08/10/video-leaving-the-jehovahs-witnesses/
They called it "Leaving Jehovah". The US is way ahead of us, and as usual, we've had a slow start here in Canada. I've spent a lot of years feeling alone in my well-intentioned yet slightly angry public crusade against the Watchtower. These three people though, were brave enough to tell their stories and speak out.
It was accurately and well done in my opinion. Some of the discussion was very on point. "Being an apostate is the worst sin you could commit." True. I know they all think I am am very dangerous. Although the Watchtower did make a kids cartoon about how gay marriage is the equivalent of taking scissors on an airplane. So I guess they think that's pretty bad in their eyes too. Although I don't really get the analogy. They need better PR/Marketing people. If I had a gun to my head and was forced to explain to my six year old how it wasn't okay to love who you love, to have two mommies or live your life the way you wanted to, I don't think scissors on an airplane is the way I would go. But what do I know? Some of my best friends are gay. They seem more like a warm blanket and a big hug when I need them than scissors on a plane to me.
One of the other guys said he invited his JW family to his upcoming wedding. They refused to go. He said the next time they'll all be in the same room will be for a funeral. Where he will be shunned by everyone, not comforted for his loss. I believe that about my family. Then again, haven't we all had to mourn that loss already?
They talked about nightmares of Armageddon coming and dying in flames. Would've been better to live that in real life in the last Game of Thrones episode (spoiler alert!) than in your dreams. That looked like fun! I can attest to the fact that long after you stop believing, the dreams still haunt you.
I honestly, sincerely believe that it's all worth it. That we're happier being free. I don't mean to minimize anything anyone is currently going through. But isn't it better not to be brainwashed? To make your own decisions for the first time in your life? Scary as hell. But worth it.
I'm so proud of all these people for telling their stories. I never wanted to be the lone voice. I always wanted us to join forces and expose them by speaking out together. If you want to join in, you can be anonymous. Or you can show your face. Let's take these fuckers down.
Alice never would have got to wonderland, had she not fallen down the rabbit hole. Let's free fall.
Sullivan out.
Monday, 6 March 2017
Phoenix Rising
In ancient Greek mythology, a phoenix is a bird, that's always reborn. It rises from the ashes of it's predecessor, thanks to a little help from the Sun God.
My girlfriend: This is OUR year! Phoenix rising!
Me: Sure.
In my head, I thought nope. I tell myself every single year, this year will be different. Better. I'll be stronger. Then usually, the Universe tries to kill me again. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I make myself sick. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This last time though, my mentor came to see me in the hospital. I was hooked up to all these tubes and generally miserable and he was like, you're not depressed this time though. I'm really proud of you. I'll tell you a secret: I wasn't depressed because I just didn't care if I died or not this time. To be honest, not the time before that either. Or the time before that.
I know I've let you all down a bit. I keep getting messages asking why I don't write anymore. I guess I just gave up. What's the point of continuing in a fight you know you're never going to win? The Watchtower, like all big corporations, is fueled by money hungry, selfish men who are self-important enough to wield their power without remorse over their loyal, blind subjects. Who obey either out of guilt, fear or just plain brainwashing.
Like any organization, they're not all bad. There are some very, very good, yet terribly misled people amoung them. Some of us used to be those people. Then we woke up. Realized the truth and despite how hard we tried, we couldn't un-learn what we now know.
They are so good at the guilt and fear though, most of us can't say anything out loud against them. For fear of repercussion. Fear of losing our families. All the people we have ever loved.
The Universe reminded me last week that I'm not supposed to shut up. If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I think I've helped a lot of you to quietly get out the smart way. Not the way I did - crash and burn. I promise you though, I'll always be here if you need to talk. I can tell your story if you want me to (anonymously), and some of you have already asked me to do that. I'm sorry I've been absent. I shouldn't be. Unlike most of you, I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore.
The phoenix rises from the ashes. Remember that. We can be re-born and become stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. We just have to go through the fire to get there. It's magic. If you believe in it, you will get there. :)
PS. A phoenix is so much cooler than a blackbird, isn't it??
Sullivan out.
My girlfriend: This is OUR year! Phoenix rising!
Me: Sure.
In my head, I thought nope. I tell myself every single year, this year will be different. Better. I'll be stronger. Then usually, the Universe tries to kill me again. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I make myself sick. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This last time though, my mentor came to see me in the hospital. I was hooked up to all these tubes and generally miserable and he was like, you're not depressed this time though. I'm really proud of you. I'll tell you a secret: I wasn't depressed because I just didn't care if I died or not this time. To be honest, not the time before that either. Or the time before that.
I know I've let you all down a bit. I keep getting messages asking why I don't write anymore. I guess I just gave up. What's the point of continuing in a fight you know you're never going to win? The Watchtower, like all big corporations, is fueled by money hungry, selfish men who are self-important enough to wield their power without remorse over their loyal, blind subjects. Who obey either out of guilt, fear or just plain brainwashing.
Like any organization, they're not all bad. There are some very, very good, yet terribly misled people amoung them. Some of us used to be those people. Then we woke up. Realized the truth and despite how hard we tried, we couldn't un-learn what we now know.
They are so good at the guilt and fear though, most of us can't say anything out loud against them. For fear of repercussion. Fear of losing our families. All the people we have ever loved.
The Universe reminded me last week that I'm not supposed to shut up. If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I think I've helped a lot of you to quietly get out the smart way. Not the way I did - crash and burn. I promise you though, I'll always be here if you need to talk. I can tell your story if you want me to (anonymously), and some of you have already asked me to do that. I'm sorry I've been absent. I shouldn't be. Unlike most of you, I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore.
The phoenix rises from the ashes. Remember that. We can be re-born and become stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. We just have to go through the fire to get there. It's magic. If you believe in it, you will get there. :)
PS. A phoenix is so much cooler than a blackbird, isn't it??
Sullivan out.
Friday, 13 November 2015
What do you mean?
Alright, I'm a not so closet Justin Bieber fan. But the kid is right. Y'all can be really difficult to figure out. I love you, I don't. I want you in my life, I don't. I'll always be there for you, I won't.
My love for people is unconditional. To a fault. To the point where I have severely damaged myself giving out too many second chances. Third chances. More than that.
I'm so imperfect, I can't even start to write a list of all the areas I could improve on. But I know one thing for sure. I know how to love. And sometimes that is what destroys you.
I've been extremely lucky to find some really amazing people who will accept me, love me, take chances on me despite everything that's happened. You know who you are.
This back and forth though? I really can't take it anymore. I'm done. That's why I block people from my phone and email. How many times can you get burned by the same people and just smile when they give you some little treat to go on? I'm not a dog. I have a dog. I give him treats but he also gets to sleep next to me in the bed. I love him even when he makes mistakes.
You JWs though? Leave me alone. I've heard from two more in the past week. And they mean well. I love them. But stop. It's been SIX years. The shun/unshun, love/unlove - it's gotta stop. Delete my phone number. My email address. Stop trying to save my soul. I'm going to hell in every religion. The good part? I don't believe in hell. Hell is here. Heaven is here. I'm sorry you can't see the wreckage you leave behind every time you pretend to care about me but you're really just trying to convert me back. Or maybe it's something else. I know I'm good at making people feel loved. And even in the lovely on the outside, psycho on the inside organization they have set up for you, you don't find the kind of connection with most of them that you had with me. That's because I wasn't faking it. Or doing it out of obligation. I really did love you. I'm sorry if you miss me. That was your choice to get rid of me though.
I'm proud to be an APOSTATE. You had the past six years of me trying to build a bridge where we could meet somewhere in the middle. Not anymore. The bridge is burned. I'm sorry that y'all are having to listen to all the reports of sex abuse cover up, all the recent scandals with the organization. The court cases, the constant pressure they are putting on you to donate more money to help them deal with this.
Staying there though, is your choice. It's been a long path from where we all began. I'm so far off the beaten track though you should stop trying. I'm not the one lost, you are. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. Please though, stop fucking with my brain. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. Or I'll have to start turning you in for talking to an apostate. The worst crime any JW could ever commit. Don't be guilty of it.
Sullivan out.
My love for people is unconditional. To a fault. To the point where I have severely damaged myself giving out too many second chances. Third chances. More than that.
I'm so imperfect, I can't even start to write a list of all the areas I could improve on. But I know one thing for sure. I know how to love. And sometimes that is what destroys you.
I've been extremely lucky to find some really amazing people who will accept me, love me, take chances on me despite everything that's happened. You know who you are.
This back and forth though? I really can't take it anymore. I'm done. That's why I block people from my phone and email. How many times can you get burned by the same people and just smile when they give you some little treat to go on? I'm not a dog. I have a dog. I give him treats but he also gets to sleep next to me in the bed. I love him even when he makes mistakes.
You JWs though? Leave me alone. I've heard from two more in the past week. And they mean well. I love them. But stop. It's been SIX years. The shun/unshun, love/unlove - it's gotta stop. Delete my phone number. My email address. Stop trying to save my soul. I'm going to hell in every religion. The good part? I don't believe in hell. Hell is here. Heaven is here. I'm sorry you can't see the wreckage you leave behind every time you pretend to care about me but you're really just trying to convert me back. Or maybe it's something else. I know I'm good at making people feel loved. And even in the lovely on the outside, psycho on the inside organization they have set up for you, you don't find the kind of connection with most of them that you had with me. That's because I wasn't faking it. Or doing it out of obligation. I really did love you. I'm sorry if you miss me. That was your choice to get rid of me though.
I'm proud to be an APOSTATE. You had the past six years of me trying to build a bridge where we could meet somewhere in the middle. Not anymore. The bridge is burned. I'm sorry that y'all are having to listen to all the reports of sex abuse cover up, all the recent scandals with the organization. The court cases, the constant pressure they are putting on you to donate more money to help them deal with this.
Staying there though, is your choice. It's been a long path from where we all began. I'm so far off the beaten track though you should stop trying. I'm not the one lost, you are. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. Please though, stop fucking with my brain. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. Or I'll have to start turning you in for talking to an apostate. The worst crime any JW could ever commit. Don't be guilty of it.
Sullivan out.
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