Say Something

"Say something. I'm giving up on you."

Well here we are. This past year, after almost dying, leaving my job, dating and breaking up with someone I have loved for years, being unemployed for months, I'm once again a functioning member of society. Not someone who hangs out in yoga pants all day alone with her dog doing little projects for whoever needs to hire someone who can write for them or do their taxes. 

I applied for A LOT of jobs. I interviewed for a lot of jobs. With the reasons I had that told me I needed a change, I was picky. It got crazy by the end. I had 13 interviews in two weeks. They were all pretty aggressive in wanting me to make a decision. I had to decide what the hell I was doing with my life. I'm 40 now after all. Halfway through my life, if I'm lucky. 

I can't say enough good things about my almost 7 years at KPMG. I worked with great people. I had mentors who helped me grow. I made a couple of life long friends. When I left, I said from the beginning I wanted to work non-profit. It seems like you can take the girl out of the JWs but you can't take the JW out of the girl. I'd rather help people than make lots of money. I am doing my MBA so hopefully I'll have some great options in the future. 

Still, it was hard to decide. Some companies seemed so much more exciting. My best friend was here when I was in the middle of all that craziness (cause he's always here when I need him) and he was like, "Margaux, you know what you want to do. Do it." I pretty much played Russian roulette with my professional life and I think I dodged a couple of bullets. 

It was the right decision. I'm 9 days straight in and I'm sure of that. I'm exhausted, but sure. There is one drawback to my almost perfect new job. The company next to us - there's a JW who works there. We used to be friends. I'm non-profit now. All the offices on my floor share a bathroom. So I run into her. She shuns me. I gotta say, I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. 

They make a big show out of it. Look straight at you - look appalled - look away with their head down. Walk faster past you. As happy and grounded as I feel, it still shakes me. It's still makes me feel bad about myself. It still makes it harder for me to walk tall and be proud of my decisions in life. Even though I am. 

What do they think is going to happen if they look at me? That I'll suck them over to Satan's side by making eye contact? Maybe I'll just have to go to the bathroom at Starbucks across the street now. Or find a way to deal with it. 

We were friends for years, but I can't for the life of me remember her name. It got me thinking. It will be 8 years in June since I was disfellowshipped. I'm starting to forget a lot of things. I'm forgetting my JW family. I see my mom and sister in pictures in my head. Not in video. It's snapshots, not a movie. Worst part? They will never say something. They just disappear, shun. It's okay, Jehovah told them to do it.

I'm at about 20% of my life that's post Jehovah Witness. It's going to take me longer to fix myself. But my therapist thinks I've come a long way. :)

I still wish they could say something though. Like, maybe...goodbye? Something that would give me the closure I still crave. Now that I work in an organization that deals with palliative care, I understand how important the "goodbye" is to the family members and close friends. 

It's important to me. I didn't get that opportunity. My mother has said a lot. Mostly about how I'm a sinner, how I'm going to die at Armageddon and how much I've hurt her by deciding to live a life different from the one she choose for all of us. But it's never the goodbye, the closure. 

So, I officially give up. She called Grandma when I was there at Christmas. I answered the phone. She knew I almost died and she couldn't even say "Are you okay now?". My mother. Couldn't ask if I was okay. She couldn't hang up on me fast enough. To be fair, Jehovah probably wouldn't like that. Jehovah doesn't seem like a very loving or accepting God to me. I'll go with no God and put my faith in the Universe to work things out. The Universe makes me nervous, but she always comes through in the end. 

This is me, phase 2. It's not the end. I've been gifted with a new beginning. I promise to make the most of it. 

Sullivan out. 

Fascinating & Heartbreaking

Liz: Have you watched Leah Remini's show on Scientology? Fascinating and heartbreaking.

Me: That's my life in a nutshell. I don't need to watch the show, I've lived it.

Not that I was a Scientologist. That would be just a tad more embarrassing that being a Jehovah's Witness. Again, I'm gonna go with, not my fault, I was raised that way.

You know what the funny thing is? I'm so happy. Did my life go to shit leaving them? Yes. You probably don't know what it's like though, waking up in the morning and finally being able to make your own decisions. If I want to wear a short skirt, I can. If I want to say "fuck", that's fine. No one gets to dictate what I wear, how I talk, who I can or cannot be friends with. I'm free.

At the end of the day, our lives are short and living free was the only option for me. Were things better when I naively believed we would all live forever in paradise? Yes and No. I was like a 32 year old kid who still believed in Santa.

My therapist thinks I'm fascinating. I'm sure he's writing a book about me. That's the only possible explanation why he waives his $200 an hour fee to just talk to me every time I run out of money. Or maybe, he's just a good guy who wants to help. Like so many of the "dangerous", "bad", "worldly" people I've met on the outside.

It's a New Year. Life honestly, is beautiful, despite the bumps. I've had a bumpy few days into January but I'm sure it's all onward and upward from here. And when the day gets too long, despite my hundreds of failed relationships, I can just come home to this guy, who loves me no matter what. He has to. I feed him! :)

Sullivan out.

Merry Christmas or Bust

Lindsay: How about a wee Christmas blog?

Me: No way. That would just depress everyone, me included.

But it seems I cannot be stopped.

2016 has not been a stellar year. This was actually one of the worst years I've ever had. I think we all know though that it wasn't just me who ran into some really big roadblocks. A lot of people have been struggling to keep their head above water, hanging on for that magical day when we wake up and it's 2017.

Helen Mirren famously said: "At this time of celebration and togetherness, we have a chance to reflect on the year gone by. And I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a big pile of shit."

We've lost some legends: David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, George Michael. Last Christmas they were all still with us. The economy has been bad. It seems like every time you turn around someone else has cancer. Donald Trump is President elect of the United States. It could be a good time to lose hope altogether, pull the blankets over our heads and pretend the storm howling around us isn't there at all. Or...

...we could not give up. Not stop believing that everything is always new in a new year and that we can have a fresh start. It's not just a new year that gives us that chance. It's every single day when we wake up in the morning. Tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it. :)

Doesn't mean we won't make a few mistakes before we've even finished our morning coffee, or that we won't get a phone call with some bad news before we even leave for work. I know it's cliche to say that it's not our circumstances that define our happiness in life, it's our attitude. But cliches are cliches for a reason. And the older we get, the more we realize that is true.

As I look back on 2016, one of the biggest blessings I've received is realizing just how much the people in my life care about me. How lucky I am to have those that have stood by my side when I was afraid or sad or anxious. I have amazing friends.

How lucky I am to be home this Christmas with my family. To go to church with them on Christmas Eve (don't get me wrong, I'm never going back to church for real but the service was lovely), to wake up with them this morning, to have people to say "I love you" to before I go to bed.

We all have a choice on how we will look back on this past year. I'm not saying that a lot of us don't have good reasons to be glad to see it go and hope beyond hope that next year will be oh-so-much better. For us and for those we care for. But if we think really hard, I'm sure we can all come up with a pretty good list of things to be grateful for, leave this year in the past and be merry with our family and friends. At the end of the day, who knows if we'll still be here next Christmas? We can, however, thank the Universe we made it through to see this one.

Merry Christmas. I wish you all peace, love and laughter during the holidays. Remember: 2017 is only 7 days away! :)

Sullivan out.

Begin Again :)

"Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." - Anne of Green Gables

Y'all know that I didn't have a great 2015. I was going to call this blog "My horrible, terrible, very bad year". Then I thought that might be inviting him back to a party he has already been kicked out of. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 2015.

Honestly though, this past year I gave up again. This is what I decided to do differently: I let my tribe help me. I don't know if it's my own pride, or coming from a place where I was the strong one who helped everyone else, but this wasn't easy for me. Being the weak one, the vulnerable one, the one who was just so sad she couldn't get her shit together. And finally stopped lying to everyone about how "fine" she was.

Do you know what this taught me? If you're a good person and you genuinely care for others and do your best, you don't have to be ashamed of not being perfect. There are (gasp!) people out there who will love you anyway. They may not be the people you expected would be there for you. The ones you showed kindness to and who saw the sacrifices you made for others. They're just good people, paying it forward, the same way you did. That, my friends is the beauty of karma.

I guess 2015 wasn't all bad. I learned a couple of valuable lessons that will stay with me into this new year and the next and the next. I learned some more humility, I learned to trust that the Universe will not desert me. I learned that the biggest thing I need to work on is to try and love myself. Be patient and kind to me. I would never talk to any of my friends the way I do to myself, in my head.

It's almost silly this whole New Years thing. To think we can go to bed on December 31st and wake up the next day and think things will be different. They won't. Unless we change them. I'm on board with having a clean slate to work with though. :)

Like everyone else, I wrote up my list of New Years resolutions. All the things I'm going to be oh-so-much better at this year than last. But the most important thing about that list? If I don't make all of it happen this year, I'll just put it on next years. I'm a work in progress. :)

It's important to constantly work on improving ourselves, our relationships, our habits, our lifestyle. But just because the day is fresh, doesn't mean I won't make mistakes. I made a hell of a lot of them this year. I was lucky to have good, solid people behind me who held my hand, guided me and sometimes just pushed me through. If they believe in me enough to take those chances, I should at least return the favour by doing a little believing myself. There's too many of you to mention, but you know who you are. I love all of you more than I can express.

Look around. Find your tribe, your people. I guarantee you they are there. And then let's all just start this new year with gratitude, with love, with kindness. For those around us and also...for ourselves. It's never too late to start over and to begin again.

Happy New Year!

Sullivan out.

I was wrong

Dear readers, 

If you read my last blog, please read this. 

It's been brought to my attention that Rod Stewart did NOT write The First Cut is the Deepest. It was Cat Stevens. Also, if you click the link (just FYI the orange writing is all links) and watch the video you'll see that he was a total babe. 

I'm sorry for emotionally scarring my very good friend Cameron and anyone else out there by getting that wrong. (Jesus, everyone is a critic!) It's just that I'm too young to know that, being 27 and all. 

Also apparently I've never talked about Cam on the blog and that is just adding insult to injury on this whole Rod Stewart/Cat Stevens issue.

Y'all know that I feel so very lucky to have met such wonderful people out here in the real world. The latest additions to my social circle are not only fabulous but they also live within a block or two of me (Cam lives across the street, I can look out my window and into his) which is very key because I don't like to leave my neighbourhood. 

One night at the bar downstairs he decided to friend-pick-me-up. I was walking past him and Robin and he asked me to weigh in on some boy issue she was talking about. He told me later that he just decided we had to be friends and now we are. :)

We're like secret superheroes though because we all have code names. Cam is Cameron the too beautiful, then there's Robin on the fly, then there's me, Margaux Blackbird. I haven't been friends with these two misfits for long, but I absolutely could not imagine my life without them. Cam comes to charity events with me, took me to the hospital when I was sick (and stole my KPMG hat by the way), Robin baked me cookies and loaned me her dog for company when I off work. Cam took me out kayaking on my wedding anniversary this year and didn't even complain that I could come not even close to keeping up with him. 

This is the night Robin accidentally stole my purse with my keys, wallet and phone in it and Spencer had to go running around trying to find her so I wouldn't have to live at the bar forever. (There you go Spencer, you're on the blog now too.) Actually there's a funny story about how Spencer accidentally became my roomate but I'll save that for another time. 

There's a line in that Cat Stevens/Rod Stewart/Sheryl Crow song that says "When it comes to being lucky she's cursed". I said in my last blog that I've always been unlucky. I felt like I could relate to that line. But in reality, it's not true. I've had some difficult challenges to overcome, no doubt. 

Looking at the people I've somehow managed to bring into my life over the past few years, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I would never in a hundred years trade the people in my life now to get the old ones back. I still love them too, this is just a better fit for me. And Cam, I totally completely hope we're friends until we die. Which is hopefully a long, long time from now. And in the meantime, I hope we have lots of adventures I can write fun blogs about. 

Sullivan out. 

*graffiti at our local

Year of the Snake

*Alternate title: I love you too Jenny!!!*

Ok, I know according to the Chinese zodiac it's actually year of the horse. Last year however, was year of the snake. That was supposed to be MY year. (Apparently, even though it's one of the only phobias I have, I am a snake.)

I was a wee bit disappointed to find out that was not the case. 2013? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I forgot something though. Snakes need to shed their skin. Native Americans believe this is associated with rebirth. 

So here we are, and I'm fairly certain that this time, it's Year of the Margaux. The past few years have not been easy, but y'all have been on that journey with me. And here we are. I'm almost done my program at school. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Last night, I was home sick, and my friend who works at the bar downstairs actually came upstairs and brought me the dinner he made for me. I have plans to meet up with my ex's mom on the weekend so she can bring me the legwarmers she knitted for me before she goes on vacation. The way the weather has been in Toronto, we all could use a pair of those. 

I was Skype-ing with my secret life friend tonight, I talked to two of my girlfriends/sisters I've had my entire life who also decided to leave the j-dubs. We just get each other in a way no one else does. My mom and sister have decided to let me back in, so in whatever capacity it is, I pretty much have a whole family again. 

The best part? This has all come about in spite of the fact that I decided to stay true to myself. This is one of the most difficult things for all of us to do, and a lot of us get part way down that road less traveled and give up because it's too dark, too difficult. Don't do that. The light at the end makes it worth the journey. Right now, I'm not lying, I'm the happiest version of myself that I ever would have dreamed was possible. 

I'm grateful for my job, where I live, all the ex-boyfriends who know my psycho story and still make time to be my friend, even if they have new girlfriends. I've been working a bit harder on my writing aspirations, and then this happened:

 

You may or may not know who she is, but Jenny Lawson is who I want to be when I grow up. I'm pretty honest on here, but she's even more honest than me and I envy how much she gets away with saying "fuck". She's a blogger, turned best selling author, millions of people read her every month. And she's following ME on twitter. My other writing related side project hasn't even been in print yet but I'm on my way, I can feel it.

Sometimes it feels like life just keeps kicking the shit out of you, over and over again, and it will never end. When that happens, and you want to give up so, so badly, you pretty much have no choice other than to channel Bruce Willis in Die Hard and find some kind of fun in somehow, someway, making things better. Yippee Ki-Yay! 

I think I've shed my skin. Welcome to the future. It looks bright.

Sullivan out.