In Repair

My conversation with my therapist on Friday:

Ross: You've had a bad month. Maybe you should get rid of your sword.

Me (annoyed): You're the one who told me to get a sword.

Ross: Hmmm. You're right. So how about we just say the sword is your friend?

The sword is my friend. But like all my friends, it has hurt me. One night I had friends over and they were making fun of me and they said, that's not a real sword. So I took it off the wall to prove that it was. It fell out of it's sheath and slashed me. I probably should have gone to the hospital and gotten stitches but Jayjay thinks anything can be cured by putting ice on it. I have a nasty little scar on my wrist and for months people accused me of trying to kill myself again.

Give me a little credit. I already have one failed suicide attempt to my name. I wouldn't be stupid the next time. You don't slash it that way, you do it the other way.

I have realized something though. It's not my friends who make me think about things like that. I wouldn't even be here today without three people. You know who you are. You love me even when I get down, even when I cry. And you celebrate me when I'm on top. You are the best. Like everyone I know who is messed up, my problem is with my mother.

I would like to think if I had been lucky enough to have kids, I would have loved them no matter what. It wouldn't matter to me what religion they chose, whether they were straight or gay, whether they made tons of money or decided to be struggling artists.

We all make choices. My choices have got me to where I am today. Ross says though, that's a good thing. That I need to stop doubting myself and basing my self worth on the people who judge me, And he's right. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Fuck Linda.

I am in repair. I might never be the "perfect" person I was as a Jdub. And I'm totally okay with that. All you really need is three people to love you, to believe in you. My dad always says you can count the number of real friends you have in your life on one hand. I'm lucky. : )

The hair goes pink again today, just FYI.

Sullivan out.