Why is a Raven like a Writing Desk?

I've had that quote from Alice in Wonderland stuck in my head all week. Ever since Jay decided I needed a writing desk. Apparently the reason I'm stuck somewhere between writers block and hating the whole half book I've written so far is because I didn't have a proper desk.

I'm not a raven, I'm a blackbird, but close enough. As usual, Jay solved that problem.

You know what the challenge is with writing a book? On a blog, it's real time. However I feel today, that's what I can write about. Short and sweet. Get it out of my head and move on.

A book is complicated. If I go back to the beginning. I guess I could start somewhere in the middle, but nothing would make any sense.

I thought I was living a dual life and I honestly didn't know which side was the real me. Was I a saint or a sinner? I've been both. I've been loyal and I've betrayed. I can turn on a country song and feel an ache in my heart for home. I'm also a certified city girl. I love my hippie dresses and my Kate Spade purses equally.

The people I love now, they're just as imperfect as I am. I don't care anymore about religious sides in this silly war. I don't care if you're happily married or happily living in sin. Straight or gay or undecided. All I care is that you're happy. After a lifetime of judging people and trying to convert them, finding this truth makes me very, very happy.

That's why I still think I should tell my story. So people know there's an afterlife in this life. There's a happy way out, even if you have to go through hell to get there. I won't lie. It is HELL. But it's worth it. The JWs are wrong. Paradise is the here and now. It's messy and not all that easy sometimes, but it's better than spending a whole life believing in fairy tales. We make our happiness in this life.

So I promise to put this desk to good use. It actually makes me feel inspired. I'll dust off the book and see what happens.

And if you're going to go to bed wondering why the raven is like a writing desk? Google it. While you listen to some country music. There's room in us for all the different parts that make us up. That makes us something beautiful.

Sullivan out.

Bird by Bird

I know what you're going to say and you're right. I haven't written anything lately. I think I have writer's block. So instead I've spent countless hours coloring this picture for you and reading this book on writing. But my ADD must have set in and I doubt I'll finish either of them anytime soon, so it is what it is and "you're welcome"!

Y'all should actually just be happy that the entire bird isn't black. That was an option. I don't really feel like that anymore. For people who struggle with depression and anxiety the darkness comes and goes. For me, it's still here sometimes, it might never go away. But with more and more of us being open, building a community where we feel comfortable talking about our struggle and then also celebrating our successes, together we are making progress.

Don't doubt that and don't feel like you're alone. What I've learned is that sometimes we're in the light. We use those times to shine it on others who might need a little help. When we're in the darkness and they are in the light, they'll return the favour.

Yes, that coffee mug does say " Write like a Motherfucker" in the shape of a heart. It was a gift from someone I dearly love. Another friend bought me the coloring book. My friends get me.

And I would totally recommend the book: Bird by bird written by Anne Lamott if you're looking for some writing tips.

Also, if anyone wants to buy me a pencil sharpener that would be awesome. I don't even know where to get one. It's 2016. Do people still have pencil sharpeners? :)

Have yourself an awesome day. And be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle.

Sullivan out.

Second Sight

What is reality?

You don't know either do you? What if, we could enhance what we see and figure that out? That's the premise for his book.  I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. Sometimes I make mistakes though. That's probably why I'm still single :)

I met an author yesterday and he is really interesting. Me? I just write about my silly sex and the city/I hate Jehovah's Witnesses life. I don't really understand how people are able to come up with these elaborate stories in their head. I'm a writer, I'm in my head all the time. I wish me and my head could take a break. Not a break-up, just a break.

I used to be able to do that. Make up stories. My fifth grade teacher pulled me aside one day and said my story was so good that I should try to publish it. But then I forget how to do anything for myself. It was all about everyone else.

While I figure out the best way to write this story, which will probably take me all day and maybe tomorrow too, here's a sneak peek. And if you like this, there's another book coming.

https://www.amazon.ca/Second-Sight-Maximilian-Pereira/dp/1496994213

Sullivan out.

Face Time

This is exciting. Thanks to my brilliant boss, I've figured out how to enhance my blog to make it totally better. Check it out: on the right side: most popular blogs from the past month. So you don't have to read the crappy ones. :)

Please click on the ads, apparently I've made a whole $12 without even knowing it because I didn't know how to set that up properly. Now that it's done, Google will be sending me a check. I'm going to spend it wisely.

At the bottom of the page, you can hit buttons to share me on FaceBook, Twitter, Google+. If you help me out I'll give you my $12. Remember: if Dumb and Dumber taught us anything, it's that an IOU is better than money.

And the best part - for all you Europeans, Asians, South Americans, is that there is now a translate button at the very bottom so you can read me in your own language. I'm sure something gets lost in the translation though, as a warning. It's like trying to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez in English, or worse yet, watching the movie version of Love in the Time of Cholera (El amor en los tiempos del cólera).

Speaking of love, I've decided to dispense some more relationship advice this time around. I know what you're thinking and you're right. Why should you listen to me? The one girl who always ends up single while all her girlfriends constantly "relationship". Have you thought though, that maybe that's exactly the reason why I'm the best person to tell you this?

I've been listening to y'all bitch and moan about what you aren't getting from your current (seemingly fine) relationship. And what I would like to tell you is that: no relationship is perfect. Far from it actually. In the world of FaceBook and Instagram, we all look at each other and envy what the other person has. We compare our lives to everyone else's and obviously they are succeeding where we are failing. One person has someone who is there all the time, to do family dinners and take them on trips and build a home together but craves the emotional intimacy they feel lacking. Another one, has the seemingly perfect partner, while they are secretly sad said partner never thinks in couple terms about the future, and only lives in the single-life mindset. Or what about the relationship with the guy with the great job, who owns his own property and wants to settle down and have a family, but refuses to be affectionate?

I'm going to do you all a favour and make it very simple to understand. There are just a few basic wants and needs your woman has and here they are:

1) Emotional Intimacy: a deep, personal attachment and connection. She can tell you how she feels and you understand and communicate your feelings, needs, emotions back to her. Easier said than done, I know, but without this, she feels lonely and misunderstood.

2) Affection. This has nothing to do with sex. (Although, gawd, you're an adult, have sex with your girlfriend already.) Hugs, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, hold her hand when you're walking home from work. That's it, this one is easy.

3) Commitment. It's not easy to love you if we feel like we might wake up tomorrow and you're not going to be there. Be there. We need reassurance and consistency.

4) Validation and acceptance. We need to know our feelings and opinions matter and you will take those into account when we make decisions together. Even if you make a decision that contradicts ours, we need to know you considered all our inputs as valid. We need to have a voice that's heard.

5) Quality time. Men and women are very different in this respect. It's been proven that men feel that they've spent quality time with their partner when they've spent the night watching tv together on the couch. Women need that connection, that conversation to feel like it's been a quality interaction. That doesn't need to happen every night, but it needs to factor into how you view the quality of your relationship. Face Time.

Face time is something women are good at, and I'm not just talking about the iPhone app. I did recently get an iPhone though, as y'all know, and for me and my girlfriends who aren't in Toronto, we all know how important it is to make that tiny special effort to look each other in the face and feel our bond, even of only for a few minutes. It kicks the ass of text messages, emails and even phone calls. Do it. She'll feel oh-so-special and love you for it.

Now, I'm not saying you have to do all the work. But this is some pretty basic, free advice that I'm giving you here, and at $150 a pop at relationship counselling, you should at least think about it. Men and women, we're programmed differently. We don't get each other but we can keep trying.

And PS don't feel bad for me that I'm home alone writing blogs while y'all are cuddling on dates. If things don't work out here in Toronto, maybe I'll end up marrying the American or Vienna so the time I spent alone working, going to school and learning to speak German and American will really pay off. It's all going to work out in the end if we stay true to ourselves and remember, when you choose to really be in a relationship, life stops being about you and starts being about someone else. And when they're happy, you'll be happy too. Trust me.

Dark Before Dawn

You gotta love technology. Being stuck in the past as long as I was, I was more surprised than anyone else when in a spur of the moment decision, I got rid of my BlackBerry and got an iPhone instead.

Why I didn't do this years ago, I don't know. It's awesome. And there you have it folks, that's the most exciting thing that's happened in weeks. Which is why, of course, I haven't been writing. It's probably just that fall is coming to an end, winter is coming (I finally caught up on Game of Thrones) but I've been feeling a bit down. Still.

"They" always say it's darkest before dawn. And "they" are right. What they don't tell you is that dawn can last an awfully long time. I think that's why I've been feeling the way I have. Before all the JWs start posting shit on my blog, let's be very clear I'm a happy person and this has nothing to do with you. But all of us can find ourselves at that spot where we've been working so hard (school, work, relationships, life) and it seem like nothing ever changes. Do you know what I mean?

It's not that I haven't been promoted at work or that I haven't had a break-through on the writing side, it's not that I haven't found "the one", it's not even that I have great friends but I still feel alone. It's the combination of all those things, plus, winter is coming.

On the work front, I shouldn't be surprised. Do I stress about it at nauseum, worry about it when I should be sleeping? Yes. But my boss knows this isn't really what I want. His great advice to me this week was to quit school and get a weekend job as a bartender so I can move to NYC and be a writer. Awesome.

School? Is fine. I'm type A, you're looking at As across the board here.

Relationships. I can't complain, the men I've dated have been lovely. Finding the right one, not as easy though, especially if you think you've already found him and he got away. Friends? I love my friends. I hate it though when all of them are in relationships at the same time. #lonelyweekends #thirdwheel

So I got out of the darkness, but the dawn dragging on this long is slightly depressing. Will it last? No, nothing ever lasts. It gets bad, it gets worse, it gets better.

In the meantime, if you're in my 'hood bring me a cupcake. I'm sad.

"Forget" You

Listen to this while you read me.

Happy long weekend everyone. : )

I love Labour Day weekend. Y'all know I get all sappy at Thanksgiving (I know we get presents at Christmas, but Thanksgiving is the best holiday ever), and I know that no one should be sappy about this long weekend. We should all just thank the Universe that we don't have to go to work. (Well most of us. Sorry JJ.)

I'm strangely excited though about the end of summer. Fall is my favorite season. It's so beautiful and melancholy. (Yup there's that word again.) I have to put away all my wee dresses, but we get to buy new sweaters. Tweed is always "in" and most years come fall, I die my hair red. Days get shorter, nights become crisp and everything dies. (Sorry, if that was morbid. But we're all gonna die people. Fall is the perfect reminder to do all the things you need to do before the leaves turn brown.) Winter is coming. (Yes, I know, I need to lay off the Game of Thrones. And stop italicizing things.)

Then though, we'll see spring and everything starts all over again, almost as if, from the beginning. And as many falls, springs, new years, birthdays I've been through, we could always use yet another fresh start. It might be the week off work or the two sessions with The Doctor, but I've gotta say I feel extremely grateful for life as it is. I think my little writing project has finally helped me find some closure. My Doctor asked me if I was scared that it's coming out and honestly, I'm not. I was, for a long time but not now. Now that I've given the story to someone else, I can talk about it, and it's just a story.

I want to thank everyone who's read me or been part of the the journey I've been on the past couple of years. This blog has been an important, no necessary, part of the healing process and when I started out I remember being so impressed when I had had 2,000 reads on here. Now we're almost at 20,000 and who knows what will happen soon? Jersey Shore says once I hit 50,000 I'm marketable so it doesn't seem that crazy to think that we can get there.

I've had family, both JW and not, who asked me why I had to do this. It inconveniences them I know. They want to know: if I want to be a writer, why can't I just write another story? I wish I could and maybe someday I will. One more Games of Thrones mention and I will stop, but it's fascinating how his imagination came up with all that. Although this will seem cliche coming from a girl from PEI, in Anne of Green Gables, the best advice she ever got was just to write about what she knew. So this might not be my last story, but it's definitely my first one, and the reason why y'all keep reading me.

I've had someone recently post on here, an old friend no doubt who I'm sure cares, why don't I just come back to them if I'm so obviously miserable? I want to make it very, very, very clear, I'm not miserable. The exact opposite actually. I'm overwhelmed with how many wonderful people I can call "family" now. I have trouble figuring out how to spend my weekends trying to fit everyone in who wants to see me. Sometimes, I have relapses and I need to talk about the past. Sometimes I worry about the children of the JWs now and what will happen to them if they buy into that and then become adults and change their minds. I worry about people like me who are constant people pleasers and will face the hardest battle if they ever decide to follow their heart.

Yes, I lost my mom. But I found another one. More than one actually, because here in Toronto I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and even a kid. Whatever happens, this is a success story already. And you can do it too, if you're ever wondering if it's possible to start all over. I have two bunches of fresh flowers from the market and a BBQ to get to. It's the long weekend. Let's have fun. And, THANK YOU : )

Sullivan out.