Fascinating & Heartbreaking

Liz: Have you watched Leah Remini's show on Scientology? Fascinating and heartbreaking.

Me: That's my life in a nutshell. I don't need to watch the show, I've lived it.

Not that I was a Scientologist. That would be just a tad more embarrassing that being a Jehovah's Witness. Again, I'm gonna go with, not my fault, I was raised that way.

You know what the funny thing is? I'm so happy. Did my life go to shit leaving them? Yes. You probably don't know what it's like though, waking up in the morning and finally being able to make your own decisions. If I want to wear a short skirt, I can. If I want to say "fuck", that's fine. No one gets to dictate what I wear, how I talk, who I can or cannot be friends with. I'm free.

At the end of the day, our lives are short and living free was the only option for me. Were things better when I naively believed we would all live forever in paradise? Yes and No. I was like a 32 year old kid who still believed in Santa.

My therapist thinks I'm fascinating. I'm sure he's writing a book about me. That's the only possible explanation why he waives his $200 an hour fee to just talk to me every time I run out of money. Or maybe, he's just a good guy who wants to help. Like so many of the "dangerous", "bad", "worldly" people I've met on the outside.

It's a New Year. Life honestly, is beautiful, despite the bumps. I've had a bumpy few days into January but I'm sure it's all onward and upward from here. And when the day gets too long, despite my hundreds of failed relationships, I can just come home to this guy, who loves me no matter what. He has to. I feed him! :)

Sullivan out.

Merry Christmas or Bust

Lindsay: How about a wee Christmas blog?

Me: No way. That would just depress everyone, me included.

But it seems I cannot be stopped.

2016 has not been a stellar year. This was actually one of the worst years I've ever had. I think we all know though that it wasn't just me who ran into some really big roadblocks. A lot of people have been struggling to keep their head above water, hanging on for that magical day when we wake up and it's 2017.

Helen Mirren famously said: "At this time of celebration and togetherness, we have a chance to reflect on the year gone by. And I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a big pile of shit."

We've lost some legends: David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, George Michael. Last Christmas they were all still with us. The economy has been bad. It seems like every time you turn around someone else has cancer. Donald Trump is President elect of the United States. It could be a good time to lose hope altogether, pull the blankets over our heads and pretend the storm howling around us isn't there at all. Or...

...we could not give up. Not stop believing that everything is always new in a new year and that we can have a fresh start. It's not just a new year that gives us that chance. It's every single day when we wake up in the morning. Tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it. :)

Doesn't mean we won't make a few mistakes before we've even finished our morning coffee, or that we won't get a phone call with some bad news before we even leave for work. I know it's cliche to say that it's not our circumstances that define our happiness in life, it's our attitude. But cliches are cliches for a reason. And the older we get, the more we realize that is true.

As I look back on 2016, one of the biggest blessings I've received is realizing just how much the people in my life care about me. How lucky I am to have those that have stood by my side when I was afraid or sad or anxious. I have amazing friends.

How lucky I am to be home this Christmas with my family. To go to church with them on Christmas Eve (don't get me wrong, I'm never going back to church for real but the service was lovely), to wake up with them this morning, to have people to say "I love you" to before I go to bed.

We all have a choice on how we will look back on this past year. I'm not saying that a lot of us don't have good reasons to be glad to see it go and hope beyond hope that next year will be oh-so-much better. For us and for those we care for. But if we think really hard, I'm sure we can all come up with a pretty good list of things to be grateful for, leave this year in the past and be merry with our family and friends. At the end of the day, who knows if we'll still be here next Christmas? We can, however, thank the Universe we made it through to see this one.

Merry Christmas. I wish you all peace, love and laughter during the holidays. Remember: 2017 is only 7 days away! :)

Sullivan out.