Christmas Cockroach

Me: So my doctor gave me a clean bill of health (only relevant because in September I almost died)

My brother: That is fantastic, it's a miracle!

Me: I'm like a cockroach I can't be killed.

My brother: Oh yah, and people are trying to fumigate you. Jesus, this got morbid quick.

It's true. You can cut the head off a cockroach and they won't die, those crazy motherfuckers.

You know, it's funny. They talk all the talk about positivity, which I have always tried to send out to everyone who reads this blog. Apparently your attitude can make such a huge difference when it comes down to those situations where you may or may not die.

I stopped blogging because I wasn't willing to do that anymore. I honestly didn't care. If I lived, if I died, whatever. I had two friends who knew about it and against my wishes they contacted everyone else. Before I knew it, my hospital room was filled with flowers and I had so many visitors I just wished they would all leave.

I didn't call anyone that I wanted to say goodbye to when the doctors said there was a 90% chance I would die there. I honestly just didn't care.

But then things started changing. My last boss, he would come over every second day. Bring his lunch and sit next to my hospital bed and talk with me on his break before he went back to work. I didn't even work there anymore.

My ex-boyfriend would bring me food every day cause y'all know I'm a picky eater and hospital food sucks. He even brought my dog to see me because I was so sad I couldn't see him.

My friends in the dog park could tell I wasn't well when I got home and they'd take Max out for fun playdates in the country or at the beach. They invited me over for dinner tonight and we just talked and laughed and watched our dogs play like none of this ever happened.

But it did.

I re-learned a lesson I've learned so many times but keep forgetting. It's taken me months to process everything that happened. There were a few people noticeably absent. My mother, my sister. The guy I was seeing at the time. People who for whatever reason chose not to show up.

I can spend the rest of my life fixated on a few people who didn't love me enough. Or, I can realize that family is what you make of it. I have mothers and sisters and brothers who will never share my blood. But they share my life. They still want me around. And as much as I kind of have a beef with the Universe right now, apparently she's not done with me yet either.

At the end of day, I'm a nobody. Just a little, temporary speck in the Universe. The same Universe that keeps showing me over and over that I am blessed to have what I have. The people who choose to love me despite all my imperfections. All my mistakes. The friends who have got me through the past seven years and showed me what it's like to finally find unconditional love. The ones who hug me when I cry.

It's out there waiting for all of us. Jehovah's Witnesses? They're the ones who cut our heads off. Leave us bloodied and bleeding and untrusting of anyone who says they love us. The real world is full of loving, accepting, kind individuals who won't let us almost die alone, even if we want to.

It's December, Christmas is coming. Be happy. Be a cockroach. We're immortal :)

Sullivan out.