Rewrite the Stars

Yes, I have been on hiatus. It was an awful winter. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

But here I am. I've been feeling depressed again. It's recent. As in this week. I love how unpredictable it can be. You go through all this really hard shit and most people aren't  really there for you, yet you're fine. Then...once you finally start to feel a little bit better...WHAM! You're depressed again. I don't like talking about it. Not because I'm not a huge advocate for mental health, y'all know I am. I'm also me. I'm proud. To me it feels like a weakness to admit it.

I told my guy today I was struggling. He was like, I'm depressed too. I just looked at him. I'm pretty sure he was joking. I thought, I would be too if I had me for a girlfriend. He's like the guy who you wish all your other boyfriends had been but weren't and that's why you are still single.

"They" say depression is all in our head. Like they are superior. Like their heads are better, stronger places to be. My brother says that all the time but I think living in his head must be a fucking mess. :)

I think what works as healing for each of us is different but for me, I know I'm usually in that place because I feel like I'm not good enough. That idea was ingrained in me since I was able to talk. With the Witnesses you're never good enough. Never. No matter what.

Now, I feel like I should be able to snap my fingers and get over my past life. Today I had to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to not be okay.

They had 32 years of brainwashing on me. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away and not go back. That leaves me with about half my life to re-write the story and figure out who the hell I am, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.

The thing about Big Dreams, like starting over, is you have to do them for yourself. I couldn't have stayed for Travis, I couldn't have left for Adam. I had to do it for me. When I was ready. Alone.

We were at the beach with Max this afternoon and Jay looks at me and says you need to go. And I was like, I've been writing in my head. (He encourages this even though I'm always silently talking to myself.) Next he says, you'll call it rewrite the stars. How did he know that?

But we can. We can start over. We can rewrite. We can take the path we're on that makes us miserable and turn a corner. Pick up some strays and create your own new destiny.

It's never going to be perfect and from experience, not usually easy. Last night I cried and I was like what did I do this all for? I wrecked my life. Jay just said, "You wanted to be free. Now you are."

He's right. They gave more than enough time to rethink my decision to rewrite my life. I wouldn't change anything. And that's what I need to remind myself of on those odd sad Saturday mornings.

I am brave. I am free. This is who I was meant to be. This is me. 

Ps. Since we're talking about our journey being written in the stars, check out Kyla's new Zodiac Collection - buy a mala!!

Christmas Cockroach

Me: So my doctor gave me a clean bill of health (only relevant because in September I almost died)

My brother: That is fantastic, it's a miracle!

Me: I'm like a cockroach I can't be killed.

My brother: Oh yah, and people are trying to fumigate you. Jesus, this got morbid quick.

It's true. You can cut the head off a cockroach and they won't die, those crazy motherfuckers.

You know, it's funny. They talk all the talk about positivity, which I have always tried to send out to everyone who reads this blog. Apparently your attitude can make such a huge difference when it comes down to those situations where you may or may not die.

I stopped blogging because I wasn't willing to do that anymore. I honestly didn't care. If I lived, if I died, whatever. I had two friends who knew about it and against my wishes they contacted everyone else. Before I knew it, my hospital room was filled with flowers and I had so many visitors I just wished they would all leave.

I didn't call anyone that I wanted to say goodbye to when the doctors said there was a 90% chance I would die there. I honestly just didn't care.

But then things started changing. My last boss, he would come over every second day. Bring his lunch and sit next to my hospital bed and talk with me on his break before he went back to work. I didn't even work there anymore.

My ex-boyfriend would bring me food every day cause y'all know I'm a picky eater and hospital food sucks. He even brought my dog to see me because I was so sad I couldn't see him.

My friends in the dog park could tell I wasn't well when I got home and they'd take Max out for fun playdates in the country or at the beach. They invited me over for dinner tonight and we just talked and laughed and watched our dogs play like none of this ever happened.

But it did.

I re-learned a lesson I've learned so many times but keep forgetting. It's taken me months to process everything that happened. There were a few people noticeably absent. My mother, my sister. The guy I was seeing at the time. People who for whatever reason chose not to show up.

I can spend the rest of my life fixated on a few people who didn't love me enough. Or, I can realize that family is what you make of it. I have mothers and sisters and brothers who will never share my blood. But they share my life. They still want me around. And as much as I kind of have a beef with the Universe right now, apparently she's not done with me yet either.

At the end of day, I'm a nobody. Just a little, temporary speck in the Universe. The same Universe that keeps showing me over and over that I am blessed to have what I have. The people who choose to love me despite all my imperfections. All my mistakes. The friends who have got me through the past seven years and showed me what it's like to finally find unconditional love. The ones who hug me when I cry.

It's out there waiting for all of us. Jehovah's Witnesses? They're the ones who cut our heads off. Leave us bloodied and bleeding and untrusting of anyone who says they love us. The real world is full of loving, accepting, kind individuals who won't let us almost die alone, even if we want to.

It's December, Christmas is coming. Be happy. Be a cockroach. We're immortal :)

Sullivan out.