Through the Looking-Glass

Alright. It's been a month. I'm ready to talk about the wedding. 

From the pictures I've seen, my sister looked beautiful. When she came over to drop off my invitation, I said "Are you sure?" I know how I'm perceived by the Jehovah's Witnesses. Apostasy is the worst sin you could ever commit. Speaking out against the organization is not only grounds for disfellowshipping, it's everlasting death. Spoiler alert: we're all heading for everlasting death. So let's make the most of the life we have now. :)

She responded: "Of course. You're my sister and you're not disfellowshipped. Of course I want you there."

Erin and I have a lot of history. Our family has been pretty messed up from the start. My father has his own issues, then my mother decided to join a cult. He remarried and oddly enough, the only person I have a relationship with now is Helena. They aren't mom and dad anymore though, they are just John and Linda. 

Any time things hit a rough patch, Erin would come live with me. Once we had nowhere to put her but the storage closet. We accidentally closed the door with the Cat in there and she peed all over the bed. Good times. :)

I've been trying to cover this up the best way I could, but I'm on a network at my job that works on health and mental health issues. I was writing an article for them this week on Purple Day which is next week to raise awareness for Epilepsy. 

I started to feel ashamed. I spend all this energy trying to be an advocate. To break down stigmas, raise awareness, help people dealing with difficult situations to feel less alone. And here I am, at home feeling terrible about the fact that for the second time in five years, I'm depressed. 

The first time, when I was disfellowshipped, I thought there was a coming back from it. I got myself reinstated with the JWs, I tried to find a way back to my family. Was I angry with them for shunning me? Oh yeah. Did I trust them? Not at all. Until Erin and I were wedding dress shopping. Facetiming with Linda while she tried on different outfits to wear. Until it seemed that my position back in the family was secure. Then I made the worst mistake. 

I'm a hopeless romantic, and I decided to trust again. Something I haven't done in five, no almost 6 now, years. I bought a really pretty dress. I took Erin to my therapist with me and listened to her talk through all her fears about the wedding and how she thought every single member of our immediate family would get drunk and embarrass her. 

Yet, I was the only one uninvited at the last minute. Apparently I make the JWs nervous. This time is worse than the first time. You can only understand it if you've been through it. I tried to check myself into the hospital so I wouldn't hurt myself this time. They wouldn't take me, after about 7 hours they sent me home with a pamphlet on feeling sad and some 1-800 numbers to call. 

Why is it worse than the first time? Because I know now that this time has to be the last time. I've suffered some pretty severe repercussions of this most recent spiral into depression. Breaking up with your family is the worst break-up ever. 

I thought again about going back to them. I watched a video on their website from one of their leaders. He seems absolutely insane so no, I've walked through the looking glass, fell down the rabbit hole and there's no going back. 

I wish there was a switch you could flick because out here, I have mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers who truly love me unconditionally. I have a great job, a lovely apartment, wonderful friends. Anything a girl could ask for. But your family always has that hold over you, the one you wish didn't exist. 

The good thing about getting through depression once, is that you know the "depression lies" slogan is true. If we could tell the truth, there's really only a few people who have rejected me. Compared to a ton of people who care and make my life better every single day. I know I wax poetic on here but seriously - I am very grateful and as soon as I get over my most recent break-up, I'll be just fine. The other side of the looking glass is strange but it's where I'm supposed to be. 

Sullivan out.