Rewrite the Stars

Yes, I have been on hiatus. It was an awful winter. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

But here I am. I've been feeling depressed again. It's recent. As in this week. I love how unpredictable it can be. You go through all this really hard shit and most people aren't  really there for you, yet you're fine. Then...once you finally start to feel a little bit better...WHAM! You're depressed again. I don't like talking about it. Not because I'm not a huge advocate for mental health, y'all know I am. I'm also me. I'm proud. To me it feels like a weakness to admit it.

I told my guy today I was struggling. He was like, I'm depressed too. I just looked at him. I'm pretty sure he was joking. I thought, I would be too if I had me for a girlfriend. He's like the guy who you wish all your other boyfriends had been but weren't and that's why you are still single.

"They" say depression is all in our head. Like they are superior. Like their heads are better, stronger places to be. My brother says that all the time but I think living in his head must be a fucking mess. :)

I think what works as healing for each of us is different but for me, I know I'm usually in that place because I feel like I'm not good enough. That idea was ingrained in me since I was able to talk. With the Witnesses you're never good enough. Never. No matter what.

Now, I feel like I should be able to snap my fingers and get over my past life. Today I had to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to not be okay.

They had 32 years of brainwashing on me. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away and not go back. That leaves me with about half my life to re-write the story and figure out who the hell I am, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.

The thing about Big Dreams, like starting over, is you have to do them for yourself. I couldn't have stayed for Travis, I couldn't have left for Adam. I had to do it for me. When I was ready. Alone.

We were at the beach with Max this afternoon and Jay looks at me and says you need to go. And I was like, I've been writing in my head. (He encourages this even though I'm always silently talking to myself.) Next he says, you'll call it rewrite the stars. How did he know that?

But we can. We can start over. We can rewrite. We can take the path we're on that makes us miserable and turn a corner. Pick up some strays and create your own new destiny.

It's never going to be perfect and from experience, not usually easy. Last night I cried and I was like what did I do this all for? I wrecked my life. Jay just said, "You wanted to be free. Now you are."

He's right. They gave more than enough time to rethink my decision to rewrite my life. I wouldn't change anything. And that's what I need to remind myself of on those odd sad Saturday mornings.

I am brave. I am free. This is who I was meant to be. This is me. 

Ps. Since we're talking about our journey being written in the stars, check out Kyla's new Zodiac Collection - buy a mala!!

A little help from my friends

To say the last 6 weeks haven't been easy would be an understatement. :)

It all started the long weekend in May. If you read me regularly you already know a lot of this but I thought I should sum up the whole story for those of you who don't. I had a bad infection. I spent the long weekend in the hospital about 4-5 hours a day getting IV antibiotics. My sister was also diagnosed with MS that month. I was on antibiotics for a couple of weeks and I hate hospitals and needles. I felt sick all the time. 

In swoops the panic attacks. I've been having them almost every day for about 2 years now, but they became so much worse. I'd be throwing up and having vertigo at work. It's a busy time for us and I was having a hard time keeping up, which made me panic even more. 

I decide it's finally time to end this nonsense and get some medication for anti-anxiety. I thought I'd feel better in a couple of days. Most people I've talked to who've tried it at some point (which crazy enough is most of the people I know), told me I'd feel great in a couple of weeks. Didn't happen. I couldn't keep food down, I was too dizzy to even stand up in the shower. I slept a lot. They made me sad. 

So I go back to the doctor and we decide to try something different. At this point I'd lost 13 lbs in the past month between the antibiotics and this new medication. I actually felt good for a couple of days and told work I'd be back on Thursday. They thought I should take a bit more time. Which turned out to be a blessing because last Friday an old condition flared up and I had to go to the hospital on Saturday and have surgery. Great, the hospital, again. More blood, more needles, more pain. More bloodwork. (I've had to do that three time in the past couple of weeks.)

I'm not sure which was worse, the constant side effects from the medication or the pain from the surgery but I'll tell ya, I wouldn't wish either on my worst enemy. 

Now this may seem like a complain-y blog but it's not. I believe once you've been through a "triple threat" you're probably in the clear for awhile so I'm hopeful the rest of my summer will be absolutely fabulous!

I know for a fact that I wouldn't be feeling so optimistic without the help I've received from my friends. And it's funny, because as a JW, they really convince you that the world on the outside is selfish and scary and the only place to find true friends is with them. That is NOT true. 

Over the past month, I've had people here every day. Stopping in for a visit, bringing me food (even though I couldn't keep most of it down, it's a lovely gesture). My brother and sister came over and made meals. My work colleagues have met me in the park across the street to chat and cheer me up (and get me out of the house in a 3 minute walk). They've also been covering for me at work and that I'm sure is an added burden for them, but I really, truly appreciate it. 

My mom Facetimes to see how I am and my Dad checks in by phone. JJ and Lizzie have been here pretty much every day making sure I'm okay. I was a few months behind on my phone bill and Lizzie paid it for me because they were threatening to cut it off, no questions asked. 

My "Toronto mom" took the subway down from North York and held my arm (walking is painful) and took me around the corner and bought me lunch. Her and "Dad" check in every day too.  

My friends indulge my new hobby and let me read their tarot cards, do my dishes, call and text to see how I am and distract me from the boredom of being home. One friend even sent me a beautiful teddy bear, "Ted" (you know I'm not very imaginative when it comes to names, Cat was "Cat"). He's been a good cuddle buddy. A friend I don't even know very well offered to help pay for a ticket if I wanted to go home for awhile.

The most important thing I want to say is THANK YOU to all of you. You know I'd do the same for any of you when and if you need me. 

I've always considered myself a good, loyal friend but in the past, with my old friends, I felt often I was the one that had to support everyone else. Now that the tables have been turned, these people have proven I can expect to have that reciprocated. I believe the Universe gives us what we need, when we need it. 

I needed all of you. You know who you are. I feel very blessed, very loved. In the past, after being disfellowshipped, I didn't let anyone in for a long time. I was so afraid of getting hurt again and I just felt like my heart couldn't handle any more breaking. So I went it alone and refused to ask for help for a long time. Which was stupid of me. Y'all are helping to heal me. As much energy as I've put into healing myself, we just can't do it alone. I needed your energy too. 

We can get by when things are rough...with a little help from our friends. :) I can't wait to be back at work, back to real life (the bar downstairs probably thinks I died), back to normal. Thanks to you. xo

Sullivan out.