Rewrite the Stars

Yes, I have been on hiatus. It was an awful winter. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

But here I am. I've been feeling depressed again. It's recent. As in this week. I love how unpredictable it can be. You go through all this really hard shit and most people aren't  really there for you, yet you're fine. Then...once you finally start to feel a little bit better...WHAM! You're depressed again. I don't like talking about it. Not because I'm not a huge advocate for mental health, y'all know I am. I'm also me. I'm proud. To me it feels like a weakness to admit it.

I told my guy today I was struggling. He was like, I'm depressed too. I just looked at him. I'm pretty sure he was joking. I thought, I would be too if I had me for a girlfriend. He's like the guy who you wish all your other boyfriends had been but weren't and that's why you are still single.

"They" say depression is all in our head. Like they are superior. Like their heads are better, stronger places to be. My brother says that all the time but I think living in his head must be a fucking mess. :)

I think what works as healing for each of us is different but for me, I know I'm usually in that place because I feel like I'm not good enough. That idea was ingrained in me since I was able to talk. With the Witnesses you're never good enough. Never. No matter what.

Now, I feel like I should be able to snap my fingers and get over my past life. Today I had to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to not be okay.

They had 32 years of brainwashing on me. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away and not go back. That leaves me with about half my life to re-write the story and figure out who the hell I am, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.

The thing about Big Dreams, like starting over, is you have to do them for yourself. I couldn't have stayed for Travis, I couldn't have left for Adam. I had to do it for me. When I was ready. Alone.

We were at the beach with Max this afternoon and Jay looks at me and says you need to go. And I was like, I've been writing in my head. (He encourages this even though I'm always silently talking to myself.) Next he says, you'll call it rewrite the stars. How did he know that?

But we can. We can start over. We can rewrite. We can take the path we're on that makes us miserable and turn a corner. Pick up some strays and create your own new destiny.

It's never going to be perfect and from experience, not usually easy. Last night I cried and I was like what did I do this all for? I wrecked my life. Jay just said, "You wanted to be free. Now you are."

He's right. They gave more than enough time to rethink my decision to rewrite my life. I wouldn't change anything. And that's what I need to remind myself of on those odd sad Saturday mornings.

I am brave. I am free. This is who I was meant to be. This is me. 

Ps. Since we're talking about our journey being written in the stars, check out Kyla's new Zodiac Collection - buy a mala!!

We Need Your Voice

"Rights are won only by those who make their voices heard." - Harvey Milk

I have the cutest friend at work. 

Me: I have to leave on time tomorrow. I have this charity thing. 
Him: Awesome. Who are you going with?
Me: My boyfriend. 
Him: You have a new boyfriend? That's great!
Me: Well, he's gay. 
Him. Ohhhh. That might not work out so well. 

It's actually the perfect situation. I'm thinking of giving up on straight men entirely, they never work out well for me. 

Now before y'all start hating on me for writing another silly blog about boys, let's talk some JW. I've been getting a lot of feedback on the story. I've been called a home wrecker, adulteress, melodramatic, self serving, self promoting, been called out for leaving the religion my mother wanted for me, so how could I possibly expect a different response than the shunning? 

I've been blamed for ruining other people's lives with my choices. I ran into an old friend who hasn't really talked to me in FIVE years yesterday. She cried about me leaving the j-dubs while I consoled her. My mother cried when she asked me WHY? Why do you have to be the voice of these people? 

Because if we don't speak up, things will never change. Someone commented on the story online and said "Could anyone tolerate what Margaux has done? Of course yes if one could tolerate lesbianism, gayism and the rest." Are those even real words? How the hell can we live in a society, in Canada, in 2014 where such ignorance and intolerance exists? It makes me sick. 

I am who I am, JW on paper or not, I do not support their belief system. I am getting a little bit brave about the fact that they haven't tried to discipline me yet. Can I really get away with this and still be able to talk to my mom and my sister? I wish I could be a fly on the wall at all those elder meetings where they are trying to figure out how to deal with me without making this into a bigger commotion than it already is. 

I am an ally. The gay community has been so accepting of me since I've been "out", in my own way. Prejudice in this area is despicable. 

To the ex-jw community I have one request: so many of you have reached out and contacted me since the article came out. My writer Rosemary was brave enough to tell a story that so many of you resonate with and feel is completely true, even those of you who don't know me, because you've been through such similar situations. Canadian Living has been receiving so many letters with negative feedback, saying it's all lies. Be anonymous if you like, but could you please take a few minutes to tell them what you've been telling me - the truth. Y'all keep thanking me for having the courage to tell this story. Be an ally - please tell them yours. :)

Sullivan out.