Love in a Hopeless Place

"I saw you screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over and it's gone you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good." - Rihanna

My ex-boyfriend, Steve, probably was one of the only guys on here to have a real name. No "Vienna", " The American", "Irish". He was just Steve. He had a lot of opinions on everything. He told me that I could do better with this blog. He said: "you could just tell the truth". 

The truth I want to tell myself is always to put the positive spin on everything. It actually helps with someone who suffers from depression. Writing it down, saying everything is actually okay, makes you feel better. 

This week though, things haven't been better and I'll tell the truth. I tried to check myself into the hospital yesterday because I feel like I'm right back where I was a few years ago. That sucks, right? All that progress, all that healing, all that work. You will never win though with the Jehovah's Witnesses. They will come out of the shadows and sucker punch you when you are least expecting it. Your mom and sister will never choose you over them. And you will go through the same little hell you were in years ago anytime they cut you off again. 

Do I know I have an army of other people behind me? Yes. Does it make their actions hurt less? No. 

Spencer came to the hospital with me. 

The doctors: Does she sleep?

Spencer: No, she doesn't. 

They decided not to keep me and sent me home with a paper on feeling sad and some 1-800 numbers to call if I needed help. 

At least this time though I tried to do something. Last time I took three bottles of pills and went to bed, hoping not to wake up. 

I think the hardest part about this time is for the last five years, I held out hope that I could leave the Witnesses and still get my family back. I worked at it, I was honest with them - about this blog, about the article I did for that magazine. And everything seemed to be fine. 

Now I know I can't go back. I can't risk my career, my friendships, my life, for people who will never love me for who I am. I am NOT a Jehovah's Witness. 

Sullivan out.