Rewrite the Stars

Yes, I have been on hiatus. It was an awful winter. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

But here I am. I've been feeling depressed again. It's recent. As in this week. I love how unpredictable it can be. You go through all this really hard shit and most people aren't  really there for you, yet you're fine. Then...once you finally start to feel a little bit better...WHAM! You're depressed again. I don't like talking about it. Not because I'm not a huge advocate for mental health, y'all know I am. I'm also me. I'm proud. To me it feels like a weakness to admit it.

I told my guy today I was struggling. He was like, I'm depressed too. I just looked at him. I'm pretty sure he was joking. I thought, I would be too if I had me for a girlfriend. He's like the guy who you wish all your other boyfriends had been but weren't and that's why you are still single.

"They" say depression is all in our head. Like they are superior. Like their heads are better, stronger places to be. My brother says that all the time but I think living in his head must be a fucking mess. :)

I think what works as healing for each of us is different but for me, I know I'm usually in that place because I feel like I'm not good enough. That idea was ingrained in me since I was able to talk. With the Witnesses you're never good enough. Never. No matter what.

Now, I feel like I should be able to snap my fingers and get over my past life. Today I had to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to not be okay.

They had 32 years of brainwashing on me. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away and not go back. That leaves me with about half my life to re-write the story and figure out who the hell I am, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.

The thing about Big Dreams, like starting over, is you have to do them for yourself. I couldn't have stayed for Travis, I couldn't have left for Adam. I had to do it for me. When I was ready. Alone.

We were at the beach with Max this afternoon and Jay looks at me and says you need to go. And I was like, I've been writing in my head. (He encourages this even though I'm always silently talking to myself.) Next he says, you'll call it rewrite the stars. How did he know that?

But we can. We can start over. We can rewrite. We can take the path we're on that makes us miserable and turn a corner. Pick up some strays and create your own new destiny.

It's never going to be perfect and from experience, not usually easy. Last night I cried and I was like what did I do this all for? I wrecked my life. Jay just said, "You wanted to be free. Now you are."

He's right. They gave more than enough time to rethink my decision to rewrite my life. I wouldn't change anything. And that's what I need to remind myself of on those odd sad Saturday mornings.

I am brave. I am free. This is who I was meant to be. This is me. 

Ps. Since we're talking about our journey being written in the stars, check out Kyla's new Zodiac Collection - buy a mala!!

Running to Stand Still

"My dear, here we must run as fast as we can just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that." - Alice in Wonderland

A few months ago, I was faced with a difficult decision. My little brother was getting married and my sister, for various reasons, couldn't go. I hated the thought of her alone here in Toronto while we all ate, drank, danced and posted pictures of it. (Not that she's really alone, she had a fiancee and all the JWs, but I felt she needed her family.) I stayed here and spent the day with her. 

As it turned out, three months later she put me in that exact situation. I was formally uninvited to the wedding two weeks prior. Apparently I make JWs uncomfortable. I asked her to leave, ripped up the wedding invite on my fridge and wondered what to do with the very expensive dress I bought for the occasion. 

I've always had two sisters though, Kyla is just not blood related. But some friendships run deeper than blood. I called her, crying, and just like that she booked a train ticket to come to Toronto and spend the weekend with me. 

I had the vacation time booked at work, so my aunts and uncles asked me to come home. I spent a week with them, shoveling snow, reading books, sitting next to fireplaces and feeling loved. I have three birthday presents already and my birthday isn't even until Friday. 

On Friday I travelled back here with my uncle and my grandma who were going to the wedding. We had dinner together and then Kyla showed up. We hadn't seen each other in way too long. The thing about real friendship though is that it doesn't matter how much time has gone by. Any time you do spend together - it's like time has stood still and you're right back where you were the last time you saw each other. A little bit older, a few things to fill each other in on, but basically you just pick up exactly where you left off. 

I had a surprisingly super fun weekend. Had a few meals with Rob and Grandma and they came over to meet my puppy. Kyla and I went to the market and bought some really great food to make delicious breakfast, lunch and supper on Saturday. (Yes Grandma, I ate three meals on Saturday!) We went to the aquarium for the afternoon, we got all dressed up and went down to the bar in the evening. Where we had a few drinks and got hit on. (Mostly just Kyla got hit on but I like to think it was because I loaned her the sexier dress.)

Kyla with a few drinks in her is fun Kyla times ten. She actually punched a guy who tried to put his hand on her leg because she's married to the love of her life and gawd, guys you should be checking for that wedding ring before you pull something like that. Good times. :) Anytime I started to feel sad on Saturday, she'd pull out yet another pre-planned wrapped present to cheer me up. My friend Brett seemed to have me on speed dial all weekend, calling over and over just to say he loved me. My little brother showed up early yesterday morning before his flight and it was so, so, so good to see him again. 

Today, the wedding is over and life is just back to usual. Waking up at 5:30 am to do yoga and take the dog out before work. 

It's the same place I was at a couple of weeks ago before this all happened. Sometimes it does feel like you have to run so fast to just stay in the same place and not go backwards. But other days, when you have the energy and good karma to run twice as fast, you can actually get somewhere. And with all this wonderful "family" behind me...it'll happen. 

Sullivan out. 

#fuckerin