The Confines of Fear

"I've been worrying that my time is a little unclear. I've been worrying that I'm losing the ones I hold dear. I've been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear." - Ben Howard

Week three back at work. Gawd, I'm tired. My doctor warned me to stop sleeping so much a week before I went back. Did I listen? Nope. I feel like I'm catching up on years of sleep, I love it. :)

It's nice to be back into a routine. I count myself as extremely lucky to be able to walk back in there after 3.5 months and have all the support and care that I've experienced. But I was terrified to go back. It was never a question of whether or not to go back, it was more of a question of if I could combat the fear and be successful again. 

I'm starting to get my groove back. I can't help but think about how many times in life we let ourselves be fenced in by the confines of fear. Work, friendships, relationships, family...it is SO scary to put ourselves out there when we're afraid of failure, disappointment, pain. And so many people choose not to go down that path. It's safer. I'll tell you something though, it's lonelier. 

There are hundreds of good reasons to cut things out of your life. Or maybe just to limit them. I read something once that said not everyone is healthy enough to sit in the front row of your life. So like in a theatre, some people need to be put on the upper balcony. It doesn't mean we don't love them, they just aren't healthy for us. The same could apply to anything we strive for. 

That's different though than refusing to take a chance on someone or something that we might feel we could really want, but are just too afraid to try.  

I feel like it's taken me this long to figure out where my limits are, what I can and can't put up with, what I'm willing to go out on a limb for, what I'm willing to walk away from. The difference now is that I don't make decisions out of fear. I've worried enough for an entire lifetime. 

I went to pick up some groceries today and there was a kid with a sign that said "Homeless and Hungry" outside the store. I bought him a bag of food and bent down to talk to him as I was leaving. It made me sad, he looked so young. 

I've been thinking about him all evening. Because I've been there. Homeless, broke, unemployed. And I think all of us can take tragedy and go either way with it. Either it breaks us so that we're so broken we can't be fixed. Or...we can fight the fear and let those experiences make us stronger, better, more compassionate people then we ever would have been otherwise. Let's face it - it's the theme to every superhero story there ever was. The hero picks the harder, higher road and decides to help other people in peril. The villain may have gone through the same terrible things, but they choose to spiral downward and hurt others. 

I'm confident I will become what I deserve. And the fear is slowly dissipating. I wish the same for you.