How it Ends

Tell me when it kicks in. 

One of my very dear friends lost her best friend last week. I keep thinking we're too young to be losing friends, but apparently that's not the case. Reality kicks in slowly, as the days go by.

I lost one of the best friends I ever had a couple of years ago, way too soon. It's still hard for me, when I want to call her up and tell her something, and then I remember I just can't anymore. Hasn't stopped me from not even deleting her phone number. I keep thinking one of these days, she'll just be back. Maybe that's why I haven't visited her grave yet.

John Bautista was a good guy. He made you feel important, even if he barely knew you. Generous to a fault. He was always around to give you a ride somewhere you needed to go or grab you some un-obtainable concert tickets. That's how Dalyse and I saw Stevie Wonder. And Blue Rodeo. He was gonna get us Ed Sheeran tickets but unfortunately we lost him first. The concert doesn't even seem to matter anymore.

To my friend, he was the best friend. We used to laugh about how we both had a Filipino "husband". Someone who was always there for us. Who supported us. Who loved us no matter what. And they do that despite the fact that romantically, it was never really an option.

We actually talked about all going to the Philippines together next year. They both had a lot of connections there. A week later, that option was off the table because he was gone.

As much as I try to be there for her, I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone so important to you. Growing up for her and I, has been, in our own ways, difficult. I don't think either of us have ever had someone who just loved us so unconditionally and was there, any time of day, night or anywhere in between. Always a phone call away. Always ready with a hug when we need it. Always had our backs.

She's handling it much better than I would. If something happened to Jay...I can't even imagine the pain. I choose to believe he will outlive me and I will never have to deal with that. Dalyse didn't get that chance.

In John's memory, we will cherish our lives. Live it to the fullest. And sleep when we die. :)

Rest in peace, our friend. And Dalyse, I'm here for you. Always. It's not going to go away. There's no replacing him. But it gets better. Not good, but better.

Love, me

Sullivan out.

Church Girls

It's been a quiet few days. Even Matthew Hussey hasn't been sending out helpful video blogs on how to "Get the Guy".

I seem more adept at losing the guy, and I won't lie, a few days into my newest break-up, I haven't made the best use of my vacation week. There were so many things I was going to do, spring cleaning, shopping, yoga. So far I've managed to clean the kitty litter, nap, answer the odd work email (I know, I know, I have a problem) and spend 3 days reading Game of Thrones. Today was epic though, because it finally, finally stopped raining and...I read Game of Thrones in the park and didn't check my BlackBerry once.

Disclaimer: Do not start reading Game of Thrones if you have an addictive personality and are NOT on vacation. It's like, 800 pages long and sucks you in before you can scream for help. And apparently there are 5 books.   

I thought it was appropriate that it rained so hard the past few days though, I always love the rain when I'm feeling melancholy. (I know, it's a great word.)

But today the sun came back out, I got groceries, am meeting up with a girlfriend tonight. Tomorrow, is yoga first thing in the morning, followed by a long-overdue trip to see my therapist (I actually booked appointments two days in a row. Let's make this vacation count! Plus he has a lot to catch up on.).

Last night though, I met up with one of my little sisters from the old life. We haven't seen each other in about a year so it was great to see her. It's funny, (here we go with the cult shit again) they love to tell these stories on the platform at the Kingdom Hall, in the Watchtower, about how people decide to leave and it absolutely ruins their life. I wish I hadn't been so stupid as to give them another story to tell.

Regardless, can't change that now. As her and I caught up and re-bonded, I can't help but think it's too bad they tell those stories, always a somewhat modified rendition of the "Prodigal Son", who of course squandered his Father's fortune with wine and prostitutes, ended up desolate and desperate, begging his Father to take him back. The stories always end with how happy the person is that his family disowned him and shunned him for years, lest he had never visited the end of his wits, turned back and learned his lesson.

I'm sure some of us "Church Girls" who leave the faith do end up in harm's way and regret the decisions we make. And I think all of us have gone through a little bit of a reckless stage. How can you not, having grown up with a rule for everything from how you think to what you wear to how you speak, then losing your belief system and being out there alone, with no one and no rules.

We all made our mistakes. But seeing S. last night, as she shines her way through Law School at Queen's, knowing K. is happily married and just bought a beautiful house with her lovely husband after finishing school for something she was passionate about even though she already had a good job, M. just got a promotion and is back in school herself, me, doing well at a good job, making As at school, writing a blog on the side (that people actually read), having people who really love me filling up the extra time...I wish once in awhile they would tell that story. I understand why they don't. And every time any of us gets together, we talk about the past, what we lost, how crazy it all seems, even though we smile and respect whatever our families want to believe.

I'll tell you a secret: it's not wrong to believe in whatever we want to believe, as long as we respect the others and their belief system. But if you don't believe, it's ok to leave. You'll be fine eventually. Trust me. : )