Today is my wedding anniversary. I'm not even sure if it's still technically my anniversary now that he's been married to his new wife for two years, but it still feels like it is.
Had I known I would wake up one day and decide to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, ask him to come with me and he would say no, choose them over me...I may never have made the choice to get married. Or maybe I would have. Who of us can say what decisions we would have made differently knowing the outcome?
My dad knew. Daddy rented me a white Rolls Royce, the icing on the cake for my absolutely perfect wedding. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, he leaned over, looked me in the eye and said "We don't have to do this. We have a car. We can leave right now."
No way. I was young and naive and nothing was going to stop me from walking down that aisle and marrying the man I loved. Not the nagging doubts, not the fighting between us, not the fact that his family never liked me in the first place. Not the fact that my family didn't like him all that much either.
We'd been friends since we were 15. He was tall and handsome with the bluest eyes anyone has ever seen. He was brilliant and incredibly funny. No other man has been able to make me laugh so hard that I cry. In the end, we both hurt each other, both broke promises we made. But I don't regret it. He was an excellent choice for my first husband, for the person I was when we were together.
Will I ever get married again? Probably not. No matter what happens, who I date, he is still my husband in my mind. We were not meant to be together, but we managed to do it for over a decade despite that. Our last anniversary together, we both knew it was past the point of no return. He used to make me pick out my own anniversary presents and plan the day, but that day he didn't. It was really special.
We may have made a mistake in getting married. But sometimes mistakes are what make us who we are, shape our future. Give us something we would have missed in our life, even if we didn't know we could have had it.
I'm terrible at dating, I don't trust people, I push them away. It's like I'm lost at sea without a lighthouse to show me the way home. Or an anchor to ground me.
At the end of the day though, I'm happy he's found happiness. I wish him well. I spent a beautiful day on the lake with my friends today and I feel at peace with what we had, what we lost and what's been found again.
Fourteen years ago, he left me a note before he left one night. It said: "I know all about those other guys. The ones with the athletic thighs. I know all about the time before. Kissing at your front door. They might make you think you're happy. Maybe for a minute or two. They can't make you laugh. They can't make you feel the way I do."
You were right darling. I miss you.
Sullivan out.
Ps. Yes, that is a flask in my hand. Scotch. :)
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