It has been another interesting week. I won't bore/disgust you with the details, but I had a bit of a medical emergency. I'd been having some pretty intense pain for 5 or 6 days, finally on Tuesday, I decided it was getting worse and not better, so I went to see my family doctor. Who took one look at me and sent me straight to Emergency at Mt. Sinai. And just like that, I missed half a week of work. The only thing that didn't hurt like hell was lying on the couch, so unless you count watching 2 seasons of Breaking Bad, I didn't really accomplish anything this week.
I know what you're thinking.
Breaking Bad Margaux, really? What happened to Game of Thrones? Well, I have a confession to make. I've realized and already come to terms with the fact that I am polyamorous. That's right. I can love both
Breaking Bad and
Game of Thrones at the same time. And of course, there is always
Dexter, who was my first, and will always be my favorite. I'm reading
The Ethical Slut right now in an effort to figure the whole thing out and I'm telling you, those girls would get it.
I can't help but think about how drastically my life has changed since the first time I ended up in Emerg, 4 years ago. I was completely alone, I hadn't had an asthma attack in about 10 years, so I didn't have any medication around when it happened. The stress of being disfellowshipped, of Travis leaving, of the reality of everything that had happened must have pushed me back over the edge. I got to the hospital, and as it ends up, my health card had expired. So they were going to charge me something ridiculous like $400 to see a doctor. I had lost my job, my credit card was maxed, I had no one to call. So I sat alone in the waiting room until it passed. I figured if I couldn't breathe and started to turn blue they'd have to do something. Ethically.
This time though, everything was different. Despite telling him not to, my guy showed up before I even saw a doctor. Took me home, got me groceries. Lizzie was there after work to drop off my computer (ok, I did a little bit of work on the couch).
There were people dropping in, checking up, taking care of me. Now, this is still a novelty to me, always having been the one who took care of everyone else. Even my friend from work would check in everyday, offering to pick up anything I needed. Then, this happened. I got an email from my mother. It was a Watchtower article of course, but I just ignored that and wrote her back and told her what was going on. She offered to bring me dinner. She called my brother and sister and both of them called me last night.
I find it hilarious, this whole situation. For three years, I've been reinstated as a JW and mother and sister wouldn't have anything to do with me. I think they thought it would force me to come around, come back. That's what they teach, you know. Withhold your relationship and your family member will be so sad and lonely, they will have no choice but to come back. Except, I called their bluff. I actually moved on and built a great life, with great people, where I was very happy. Then, I told my story and before it came out in print, I gave them the heads up. I told them what I'd done, that I was an apostate and that I loved them and wanted to say goodbye. And it's funny, because all those years that I stayed low-key and tried to make this work - no progress. Now though, after admitting to committing this terrible "crime" against the JWs, it's like nothing ever happened. They are choosing to completely ignore it and plan family dinners instead.
Like it never happened. I will never understand it. But it seems I'm getting off the hook for this one. The elders don't even seem to want to try to hunt me down and punish me.
Let's hope it's because they've realized that fear tactics, isolation, shunning and a general lack of love has no place in an organization that proclaims to be Christian. That's probably not it though. I think what's happened here is that they realized they completely fucked up in how they handled me, and they want to wash their hands and sweep it under the carpet.
It wouldn't be the first time or the last where that's happened, but the great thing about it is:
I don't care anymore. We went to the market this morning, and my guy, as usual, bought me two bouquets of fresh flowers. One is blood red, one sunny yellow. And I think this is where me, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and Dexter all have something in common. I'm sure you can relate too, which is why these shows are so popular. We all have both sides in us, the dark and the light. We might go most of our lives living in the light until something pushes us into the dark. That doesn't make us bad it just taps us into that other conflicting side of ourselves. The challenge we have then is to help them live in harmony.
My secret life friend wrote me a poem once, he called it
Blackbird. One line stuck with me:
"turning feathers black to white, her crow became a dove". I'm pretty sure it's possible to be in the light, live through the darkness and come back out the other side, where it's sunnier than ever. It happened to me. :)
Sullivan out.
