Jane Austen would be disappointed.

Phone rings. 

Me: Hey. I didn't go on my date tonight. 

My girlfriend: I knew you wouldn't, why do you think I'm calling you? You probably went to yoga, came home and poured a glass of wine and thought, fuck that. 

Me: I also made a grilled cheese sandwich. (Matthew Hussey frowns.)

Her: And you're probably smoking out your window. (Now, we all know I don't smoke, but if I did, could I be any more Carrie Bradshaw?)

I've probably just been listening to way too much Pitbull but then I had a great idea.

Me: We should go dancing on Saturday. 

Now I usually hate clubs, and most of the time I feel way too old for them. It might be the new haircut or all the time off work, but I can't think of anything that would be quite as much fun right now than drinking gin and tonic, wearing high heels, fishnets, lots of makeup and dancing. Maybe kiss some random handsome stranger. 

And there you have it.  This is why my dad doesn't read my blog anymore. And why Jane Austen would never have tea with me. 

She is one of my heroes, and I can relate to her sensitive, romantic soul. I'll probably end up exactly the same way she did: one great love affair that didn't work out and then I die young, with only my brother by my side. Then he publishes my book and everyone reads it after I'm dead. (Henry was also in finance, and he seemed pretty cool, but I'm sure my brother would do the same for me.)

At least I don't have to wear long dresses and put my hair up everyday. Or drink tea. I bet though, that given the chance, Jane might just let her hair down and come out dancing with us on Saturday. :) 

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere." - Jane

Church Girls

It's been a quiet few days. Even Matthew Hussey hasn't been sending out helpful video blogs on how to "Get the Guy".

I seem more adept at losing the guy, and I won't lie, a few days into my newest break-up, I haven't made the best use of my vacation week. There were so many things I was going to do, spring cleaning, shopping, yoga. So far I've managed to clean the kitty litter, nap, answer the odd work email (I know, I know, I have a problem) and spend 3 days reading Game of Thrones. Today was epic though, because it finally, finally stopped raining and...I read Game of Thrones in the park and didn't check my BlackBerry once.

Disclaimer: Do not start reading Game of Thrones if you have an addictive personality and are NOT on vacation. It's like, 800 pages long and sucks you in before you can scream for help. And apparently there are 5 books.   

I thought it was appropriate that it rained so hard the past few days though, I always love the rain when I'm feeling melancholy. (I know, it's a great word.)

But today the sun came back out, I got groceries, am meeting up with a girlfriend tonight. Tomorrow, is yoga first thing in the morning, followed by a long-overdue trip to see my therapist (I actually booked appointments two days in a row. Let's make this vacation count! Plus he has a lot to catch up on.).

Last night though, I met up with one of my little sisters from the old life. We haven't seen each other in about a year so it was great to see her. It's funny, (here we go with the cult shit again) they love to tell these stories on the platform at the Kingdom Hall, in the Watchtower, about how people decide to leave and it absolutely ruins their life. I wish I hadn't been so stupid as to give them another story to tell.

Regardless, can't change that now. As her and I caught up and re-bonded, I can't help but think it's too bad they tell those stories, always a somewhat modified rendition of the "Prodigal Son", who of course squandered his Father's fortune with wine and prostitutes, ended up desolate and desperate, begging his Father to take him back. The stories always end with how happy the person is that his family disowned him and shunned him for years, lest he had never visited the end of his wits, turned back and learned his lesson.

I'm sure some of us "Church Girls" who leave the faith do end up in harm's way and regret the decisions we make. And I think all of us have gone through a little bit of a reckless stage. How can you not, having grown up with a rule for everything from how you think to what you wear to how you speak, then losing your belief system and being out there alone, with no one and no rules.

We all made our mistakes. But seeing S. last night, as she shines her way through Law School at Queen's, knowing K. is happily married and just bought a beautiful house with her lovely husband after finishing school for something she was passionate about even though she already had a good job, M. just got a promotion and is back in school herself, me, doing well at a good job, making As at school, writing a blog on the side (that people actually read), having people who really love me filling up the extra time...I wish once in awhile they would tell that story. I understand why they don't. And every time any of us gets together, we talk about the past, what we lost, how crazy it all seems, even though we smile and respect whatever our families want to believe.

I'll tell you a secret: it's not wrong to believe in whatever we want to believe, as long as we respect the others and their belief system. But if you don't believe, it's ok to leave. You'll be fine eventually. Trust me. : )