Saturday morning song anyone? Click here. "I don't know why I cry but I think it's cause I remember for the first time since I hated you that I used to love you." - Gwen Stefani
Poor girl. That guy cheated on her so many times. I honestly can't understand why we aren't capable of just flicking a switch and turning our hearts off when people hurt us. That would be convenient.
My dad is very opposed to anger and resentment. But I think it's a phase we all have to go through. Fortunately, if you do all the hard work, you get past that. I wouldn't use "hate" as the word that has been part of my journey. HURT is better. Resentment? Yes, I've been there.
This week was the Memorial. The JWs don't celebrate anything, except that night. You know the one where Jesus has his last dinner with his apostles before he dies? Forget Christmas, Easter, anything enjoyable. Let's celebrate a murder. That's fun for kids.
Did I think about going to the memorial and drinking the wine and eating the bread and watching them all being horrified that a known apostate was in their midst claiming to be one of the anointed - that special 144,000 who are apparently the only ones going to heaven? Yes. At the end of the day though, as much as I loved/hated those people, it was more fun hanging out at home with my dog.
I get that some people still believe in Jesus and I respect that. Lots of people like to believe in Santa Claus. Whatever makes you happy.
I met up with a girl I found here on this blog last night. She was lovely. Damaged like me from our upbringing as JWs. The great thing though is they can't break us. They can try. They can rip our families away. They can make us depressed. They can make us alone. But only for a little while. :)
Then we find our tribe. We find each other. We find people who will love all our crazy and messed-up-ness. And with each of us who make a stand against them, we grow stronger. I've said it a million times. It's not the people. It's the money-hungry, brainwashing organization I'm against.
My therapist asks me sometimes if I regret being so open and honest on here and telling the truth. Yes, it scares potential boyfriends away. When I got disfellowshipped, I was completely alone. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. So when I decided to write this blog, I knew I was alienating the people I loved so much because speaking out against the organization is the worst sin you could ever commit.
I could have done it anonymously. I decided not to. I wanted my name out there so that anyone who was going through what I went through alone would have someone to reach out to. Who would understand where they were coming from. That's why AA is effective. They've all been through the exact same experience. They understand each other. And now, thanks to this blog, I've connected with so many people. Some of them are my friends now. I don't feel alone anymore. Those people I used to love? I hope they wake up someday and realize that they're pushing lies on innocent people. If they don't, then I hope they are happy living that way. I wasn't.
I'm happy now though. :)
Sullivan out.
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Saturday, 26 March 2016
Saturday, 26 December 2015
Merry Little Christmas
Christmas. It's a strange time of year. It's the best of times, the worst of times. On one hand, some people go out of their way to be kinder than usual. I was at the farmers market on Christmas eve and there were two people ahead of me in line to buy flowers. A young, hipster-ish guy and an older lady. He was buying the most beautiful flowers and she made a comment about them. He took one rose out, handed it to the store clerk and asked him if he could wrap it up separately. Then he turned around and gave it to her and said Merry Christmas. He walked away and she started crying.
I don't know her story but all of us can have a bit of a hard time over the holidays. They might make you feel more single, more lonely. If you've lost people over the past year you miss them more. If you are far away from your family you feel more alone.
Other people completely miss the meaning of the season. I was at the post office the other day sending something down home to my family and a woman yelled at the guy who shut the door as they were closing because he wouldn't let her in - the line up was already way too long. She refused to leave, she just yelled and yelled.
It's a time of joy and gratitude, but it's also the time of year that people push you out of the way in the stores and you stress about how much money you're spending trying to show your friends and family how much they mean to you.
I went to midnight mass, like I do every year. (Although apparently that's at 8:30 pm these days.) I don't know why I go. I don't like religion and after this past year, I dislike it more than usual. I put on a pretty dress and tried to be open to it, but I just got up and left after the first half, went home and almost cried. I don't judge people who are believers or who find meaning in their church. I just know that religion has caused significant pain, suffering and loss in my life and for right now anyways, I just don't need the reminder.
It was Max's first Christmas here and just like his mom, he wouldn't leave his presents alone under the tree until morning, he kept pulling them out to play with.
Yesterday I went to Christmas dinner with my girlfriends family. I've met so many kind people these past few years who make sure I'm not alone over the holidays. The turkey dinner was fabulous and it was bittersweet to be surrounded by four generations of a real family. I felt honored to be included, I also felt acutely the absence of the people I've lost this year. The ones I'm not getting back this time.
At the end of the day, I feel very grateful for what I have. My own little eclectic "family" that I built for myself. The ups and downs of the past few days are normal for all of us. It was a very merry little Christmas with some bumps along the way for most of us. We all helped each other through it with lots of laughs and hugs and kisses and some cute little presents. And we'll do it all again in 2016. :)
Sullivan out.
I don't know her story but all of us can have a bit of a hard time over the holidays. They might make you feel more single, more lonely. If you've lost people over the past year you miss them more. If you are far away from your family you feel more alone.
Other people completely miss the meaning of the season. I was at the post office the other day sending something down home to my family and a woman yelled at the guy who shut the door as they were closing because he wouldn't let her in - the line up was already way too long. She refused to leave, she just yelled and yelled.
It's a time of joy and gratitude, but it's also the time of year that people push you out of the way in the stores and you stress about how much money you're spending trying to show your friends and family how much they mean to you.
I went to midnight mass, like I do every year. (Although apparently that's at 8:30 pm these days.) I don't know why I go. I don't like religion and after this past year, I dislike it more than usual. I put on a pretty dress and tried to be open to it, but I just got up and left after the first half, went home and almost cried. I don't judge people who are believers or who find meaning in their church. I just know that religion has caused significant pain, suffering and loss in my life and for right now anyways, I just don't need the reminder.
It was Max's first Christmas here and just like his mom, he wouldn't leave his presents alone under the tree until morning, he kept pulling them out to play with.
Yesterday I went to Christmas dinner with my girlfriends family. I've met so many kind people these past few years who make sure I'm not alone over the holidays. The turkey dinner was fabulous and it was bittersweet to be surrounded by four generations of a real family. I felt honored to be included, I also felt acutely the absence of the people I've lost this year. The ones I'm not getting back this time.
At the end of the day, I feel very grateful for what I have. My own little eclectic "family" that I built for myself. The ups and downs of the past few days are normal for all of us. It was a very merry little Christmas with some bumps along the way for most of us. We all helped each other through it with lots of laughs and hugs and kisses and some cute little presents. And we'll do it all again in 2016. :)
Sullivan out.
Monday, 3 August 2015
Do I wanna know?
It's been awhile. I'm finally starting to find my voice again. You know what's worse than losing your family? Losing them twice. Unfortunately I am not allowed to be who I am and keep the family too.
I actually thought I could fight this battle against the Jehovah's Witnesses and win. I can't. But that doesn't mean I won't stop fighting. I'm happy they are going down in this child abuse scandal. Not happy that anything bad ever happened to any children, just happy other people are finding their voice, speaking out and telling the truth. We've all been silent for too long.
I'm extremely lucky that most of the family doesn't buy into that ideal and they support me. It's a little bit crazy that two people can influence your entire perception of life. Make you want to give up.
I lost the opportunity to be with the love of my life so I could try to get back to them. I guess I loved my mother and sister more than him. In all fairness, he hasn't come back in 5 years so I guess it's time to move on. From all of them.
At the end of the day, those people who won't love us? For each of them, there are so many others who will. It's easy to fixate on the rejection. Moving on doesn't mean we won't always love them. I'm stubborn that way and I'm sure a lot of us are. But I have people in my life who will always be there, always support me and always care. That's more than anyone could wish for.
My therapist asked me if I regretted my decision to try to get reinstated with the JWs, losing my love in the process. Looking back, I would say yes. But if I hadn't tried to do that, it may have been some dark cloud that hung out over my head for the rest of my life. Wondering what could have been.
Do I want to know the outcome of any big decisions I make in life? Yes and no. Part of the journey is making mistakes, bouncing back and choosing your own adventure. So far, despite the setbacks I'd say life is pretty exciting.
I'm writing again so stay tuned for tomorrow's post about my fabulous cousin who just moved to TO.
Sullivan out.
I actually thought I could fight this battle against the Jehovah's Witnesses and win. I can't. But that doesn't mean I won't stop fighting. I'm happy they are going down in this child abuse scandal. Not happy that anything bad ever happened to any children, just happy other people are finding their voice, speaking out and telling the truth. We've all been silent for too long.
I'm extremely lucky that most of the family doesn't buy into that ideal and they support me. It's a little bit crazy that two people can influence your entire perception of life. Make you want to give up.
I lost the opportunity to be with the love of my life so I could try to get back to them. I guess I loved my mother and sister more than him. In all fairness, he hasn't come back in 5 years so I guess it's time to move on. From all of them.
At the end of the day, those people who won't love us? For each of them, there are so many others who will. It's easy to fixate on the rejection. Moving on doesn't mean we won't always love them. I'm stubborn that way and I'm sure a lot of us are. But I have people in my life who will always be there, always support me and always care. That's more than anyone could wish for.
My therapist asked me if I regretted my decision to try to get reinstated with the JWs, losing my love in the process. Looking back, I would say yes. But if I hadn't tried to do that, it may have been some dark cloud that hung out over my head for the rest of my life. Wondering what could have been.
Do I want to know the outcome of any big decisions I make in life? Yes and no. Part of the journey is making mistakes, bouncing back and choosing your own adventure. So far, despite the setbacks I'd say life is pretty exciting.
I'm writing again so stay tuned for tomorrow's post about my fabulous cousin who just moved to TO.
Sullivan out.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Oh. My. God.
I woke up this morning and called my bestie and she was having a terrible time of it trying to parallel park. Which begs the question, why would one be parallel parking so early on a Sunday morning? She was going to church.
Now, neither of us have had a stellar week so I got up and decided I was going to church too. Why not? I have a love/hate relationship with (maybe you are, maybe you aren't) "God" so out of defiance I put on my new sweater with a bulldog on the front, skipped my shower and headed off to St. Mike's.
This was clearly a risky choice. I haven't been able to be in a Catholic church without having a panic attack and I am out of Ativan.
Thanks to the "not stellar" week I mentioned, I had the craziest panic attack yesterday - despite getting a massage and going to yoga - and I woke up this morning with my chest still aching. Yes, I know, I am killing myself with this stress issue.
I would probably describe myself as agnostic, but I'm still a bit of a religious mutt. I went to Catholic church a bit as a kid with my dad. I was raised Jehovah's Witness. I've done research into everything from Atheism to Buddhism. I have a Christmas tree in the living room, an idol of Ganesh on the bookcase and Fred, my Buddha on the table near the window. I believe in Fred, Ganesh and the Universe, but God? I'm not so sure.
But maybe I do. I had a hard time following the sequence of Catholic mass (yoga is easier), up, down, kneel, sing, up, the priest says something and everyone says something back and I have no idea what they are talking about. But I did say the Lords Prayer along with all of them and when we knelt and it was silent, I finally, after all these years, talked to God. It was hardly reverent or poetic, I just said: "Fuck you." Then I said it again and again and again until I thought that if he's out there, he might have heard me.
Even before I lost my faith I used to ask God what he was doing. What more did I need to learn? Hadn't I suffered enough? I know I only have first world problems to deal with and I'm grateful for that: family, relationships, money, work. For better or worse, I suffer though through the suffering of other people and I've seen enough of that. The JWs used to say that everything we believed in was necessary because without it, what was the purpose of life? My uncle passed away awhile ago and it made me revisit the question. A friend I've had for almost 20 years is dying now at 46, the same age he was, and I have to admit, I don't know what the purpose of life is. I don't believe in an afterlife where we are rewarded or punished, I don't have any kids who would have given me some purpose, even though I really wanted them.
The re-emergence of some family issues lately and talking to my sister has brought up all these memories. I've been flipping through old photo albums and I have to stop myself from pulling out pictures from the past and putting them back into frames.
I have to say though that I thoroughly enjoyed being back in "God's house". Unlike the Kingdom Halls I grew up in, churches are great what with all the stained glass, the incense, the boy's choir that sings beautifully. They read some scriptures from the Bible, a book I've read straight through so many times I almost know it by heart in two languages.
My friends were shocked this morning to hear of my plans for the day. Which church? They wanted to know. That was a no-brainer. Catholics believe Jesus is God and he seems like he was a really nice guy. Half of the Bible sucks, it's sexist and racist and judgmental. But the other half is one of the most beautiful works of literature ever produced. If they just keep focusing on that, I'll go back to church anytime.
Now, neither of us have had a stellar week so I got up and decided I was going to church too. Why not? I have a love/hate relationship with (maybe you are, maybe you aren't) "God" so out of defiance I put on my new sweater with a bulldog on the front, skipped my shower and headed off to St. Mike's.
This was clearly a risky choice. I haven't been able to be in a Catholic church without having a panic attack and I am out of Ativan.
Thanks to the "not stellar" week I mentioned, I had the craziest panic attack yesterday - despite getting a massage and going to yoga - and I woke up this morning with my chest still aching. Yes, I know, I am killing myself with this stress issue.
I would probably describe myself as agnostic, but I'm still a bit of a religious mutt. I went to Catholic church a bit as a kid with my dad. I was raised Jehovah's Witness. I've done research into everything from Atheism to Buddhism. I have a Christmas tree in the living room, an idol of Ganesh on the bookcase and Fred, my Buddha on the table near the window. I believe in Fred, Ganesh and the Universe, but God? I'm not so sure.
But maybe I do. I had a hard time following the sequence of Catholic mass (yoga is easier), up, down, kneel, sing, up, the priest says something and everyone says something back and I have no idea what they are talking about. But I did say the Lords Prayer along with all of them and when we knelt and it was silent, I finally, after all these years, talked to God. It was hardly reverent or poetic, I just said: "Fuck you." Then I said it again and again and again until I thought that if he's out there, he might have heard me.
Even before I lost my faith I used to ask God what he was doing. What more did I need to learn? Hadn't I suffered enough? I know I only have first world problems to deal with and I'm grateful for that: family, relationships, money, work. For better or worse, I suffer though through the suffering of other people and I've seen enough of that. The JWs used to say that everything we believed in was necessary because without it, what was the purpose of life? My uncle passed away awhile ago and it made me revisit the question. A friend I've had for almost 20 years is dying now at 46, the same age he was, and I have to admit, I don't know what the purpose of life is. I don't believe in an afterlife where we are rewarded or punished, I don't have any kids who would have given me some purpose, even though I really wanted them.
The re-emergence of some family issues lately and talking to my sister has brought up all these memories. I've been flipping through old photo albums and I have to stop myself from pulling out pictures from the past and putting them back into frames.
I have to say though that I thoroughly enjoyed being back in "God's house". Unlike the Kingdom Halls I grew up in, churches are great what with all the stained glass, the incense, the boy's choir that sings beautifully. They read some scriptures from the Bible, a book I've read straight through so many times I almost know it by heart in two languages.
My friends were shocked this morning to hear of my plans for the day. Which church? They wanted to know. That was a no-brainer. Catholics believe Jesus is God and he seems like he was a really nice guy. Half of the Bible sucks, it's sexist and racist and judgmental. But the other half is one of the most beautiful works of literature ever produced. If they just keep focusing on that, I'll go back to church anytime.
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
Church Girls
It's been a quiet few days. Even Matthew Hussey hasn't been sending out helpful video blogs on how to "Get the Guy".
I seem more adept at losing the guy, and I won't lie, a few days into my newest break-up, I haven't made the best use of my vacation week. There were so many things I was going to do, spring cleaning, shopping, yoga. So far I've managed to clean the kitty litter, nap, answer the odd work email (I know, I know, I have a problem) and spend 3 days reading Game of Thrones. Today was epic though, because it finally, finally stopped raining and...I read Game of Thrones in the park and didn't check my BlackBerry once.
Disclaimer: Do not start reading Game of Thrones if you have an addictive personality and are NOT on vacation. It's like, 800 pages long and sucks you in before you can scream for help. And apparently there are 5 books.
I thought it was appropriate that it rained so hard the past few days though, I always love the rain when I'm feeling melancholy. (I know, it's a great word.)
But today the sun came back out, I got groceries, am meeting up with a girlfriend tonight. Tomorrow, is yoga first thing in the morning, followed by a long-overdue trip to see my therapist (I actually booked appointments two days in a row. Let's make this vacation count! Plus he has a lot to catch up on.).
Last night though, I met up with one of my little sisters from the old life. We haven't seen each other in about a year so it was great to see her. It's funny, (here we go with the cult shit again) they love to tell these stories on the platform at the Kingdom Hall, in the Watchtower, about how people decide to leave and it absolutely ruins their life. I wish I hadn't been so stupid as to give them another story to tell.
Regardless, can't change that now. As her and I caught up and re-bonded, I can't help but think it's too bad they tell those stories, always a somewhat modified rendition of the "Prodigal Son", who of course squandered his Father's fortune with wine and prostitutes, ended up desolate and desperate, begging his Father to take him back. The stories always end with how happy the person is that his family disowned him and shunned him for years, lest he had never visited the end of his wits, turned back and learned his lesson.
I'm sure some of us "Church Girls" who leave the faith do end up in harm's way and regret the decisions we make. And I think all of us have gone through a little bit of a reckless stage. How can you not, having grown up with a rule for everything from how you think to what you wear to how you speak, then losing your belief system and being out there alone, with no one and no rules.
We all made our mistakes. But seeing S. last night, as she shines her way through Law School at Queen's, knowing K. is happily married and just bought a beautiful house with her lovely husband after finishing school for something she was passionate about even though she already had a good job, M. just got a promotion and is back in school herself, me, doing well at a good job, making As at school, writing a blog on the side (that people actually read), having people who really love me filling up the extra time...I wish once in awhile they would tell that story. I understand why they don't. And every time any of us gets together, we talk about the past, what we lost, how crazy it all seems, even though we smile and respect whatever our families want to believe.
I'll tell you a secret: it's not wrong to believe in whatever we want to believe, as long as we respect the others and their belief system. But if you don't believe, it's ok to leave. You'll be fine eventually. Trust me. : )
I seem more adept at losing the guy, and I won't lie, a few days into my newest break-up, I haven't made the best use of my vacation week. There were so many things I was going to do, spring cleaning, shopping, yoga. So far I've managed to clean the kitty litter, nap, answer the odd work email (I know, I know, I have a problem) and spend 3 days reading Game of Thrones. Today was epic though, because it finally, finally stopped raining and...I read Game of Thrones in the park and didn't check my BlackBerry once.
Disclaimer: Do not start reading Game of Thrones if you have an addictive personality and are NOT on vacation. It's like, 800 pages long and sucks you in before you can scream for help. And apparently there are 5 books.
I thought it was appropriate that it rained so hard the past few days though, I always love the rain when I'm feeling melancholy. (I know, it's a great word.)
But today the sun came back out, I got groceries, am meeting up with a girlfriend tonight. Tomorrow, is yoga first thing in the morning, followed by a long-overdue trip to see my therapist (I actually booked appointments two days in a row. Let's make this vacation count! Plus he has a lot to catch up on.).
Last night though, I met up with one of my little sisters from the old life. We haven't seen each other in about a year so it was great to see her. It's funny, (here we go with the cult shit again) they love to tell these stories on the platform at the Kingdom Hall, in the Watchtower, about how people decide to leave and it absolutely ruins their life. I wish I hadn't been so stupid as to give them another story to tell.
Regardless, can't change that now. As her and I caught up and re-bonded, I can't help but think it's too bad they tell those stories, always a somewhat modified rendition of the "Prodigal Son", who of course squandered his Father's fortune with wine and prostitutes, ended up desolate and desperate, begging his Father to take him back. The stories always end with how happy the person is that his family disowned him and shunned him for years, lest he had never visited the end of his wits, turned back and learned his lesson.
I'm sure some of us "Church Girls" who leave the faith do end up in harm's way and regret the decisions we make. And I think all of us have gone through a little bit of a reckless stage. How can you not, having grown up with a rule for everything from how you think to what you wear to how you speak, then losing your belief system and being out there alone, with no one and no rules.
We all made our mistakes. But seeing S. last night, as she shines her way through Law School at Queen's, knowing K. is happily married and just bought a beautiful house with her lovely husband after finishing school for something she was passionate about even though she already had a good job, M. just got a promotion and is back in school herself, me, doing well at a good job, making As at school, writing a blog on the side (that people actually read), having people who really love me filling up the extra time...I wish once in awhile they would tell that story. I understand why they don't. And every time any of us gets together, we talk about the past, what we lost, how crazy it all seems, even though we smile and respect whatever our families want to believe.
I'll tell you a secret: it's not wrong to believe in whatever we want to believe, as long as we respect the others and their belief system. But if you don't believe, it's ok to leave. You'll be fine eventually. Trust me. : )
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