RIP

Word to the wise: even if Les Mis is one of your favorite books, don't watch the movie on a Sunday if you've had a bad week. Every song just makes you cry.

I would like to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive to me and my friend Jay after hearing about the passing of our friend a few days ago. My ex used to say if I wanted to make this blog better I could just tell the truth. No sugar coating or waxing poetic.

So this isn't a feel good blog. Sometimes, life just sucks. In some ways, I'm almost envious of my friend. He was in pain, he wanted this life to be over and now it is for him. I've actually heard of three suicides this week, there must be some kind of energy shift in the universe.

I was talking to another friend today who, like me, like my friend, has attempted to kill himself. When I told him about my friend, he was like "good for him". He and I both woke up in hospital rooms in paper diapers hooked up to an IV and our first thought was "Fuck. I'm failing at life and I can't even get this death thing done right."

He and I are both happy with our lives now. But the work it takes to get there? It's hard. It's exhausting. It takes years. And you still live with the sadness. As you know, I decided to disfellowship myself from the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've tried over and over through the past three years. Someone always cried or begged me not to and I would just take it back. Every time.

This time, I got the same messages. Please reconsider. Please be sure that this is really what you want. I had to be more direct. Why do they even want me to stay? I'm a huge apostate. I walk up to people on the street talking to them and warn them it's a dangerous cult and they should keep walking. I've called our their elders as selfish, perverted cowards and bullies. I've told them my husband, also an elder, was abusive. We were together over ten years. He remarried one of my supposed friends in about 5 minutes after he divorced me.

I lost the only man I will ever really love because it took me too long to do this. Yes, it's been seven years and I'm still in love with Adam. Can you say single forever?

This time the elders respected my wishes and made the announcement on Tuesday. I got the email from Walter on Wednesday. He sounded sad and I felt bad for him. He is definitely one of the good ones. I'm sorry to let him down. I'm not sorry I made that decision though.

I might always live with the nightmares. Wake up every morning with panic attacks. At least I'm free. It's actually harder than I thought, killing the JW aspect of my life. It was such a huge part of me for so long. I've found some little bit of peace with this step. I don't know if I'm really helping anyone with this blog. And obviously I can't save my friends, even if I know what they are going through. All we can really do is try our best. I don't know what happens when we die, but I'm hoping George is in a better place. Rest in peace, my friend. I'll get there someday.

Sullivan out.

I think I wanna marry you

"It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you." - Bruno Mars

My little sister is getting married. Don't ever let your best friend and your sister get engaged in the same week. It's very high maintenance. Y'all know my philosophy on it: "If it ain't broke, don't marry it." I can understand how to people who have never been through it before it can seem very exciting.

And it is. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life even though I spent the entire night before not sleeping, wondering if I was making a mistake. (It wasn't a mistake. If I went back in time I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing the outcome.) :)

Getting divorced though is a different story. Statistically speaking, one of these two marriages will end up the same way mine did. But I hope both of them beat the odds and live happily ever after. 

I used to be such a romantic. I loved old movies, read all the classics over and over again, had poetry books on my coffee table. Then I became jaded. I guess everything spiraled so far out of my control that I just lost whatever that was that was such a big part of me. 

But I still believe in love. Maybe not romantic love, but love is what gets us out of bed in the morning. It's what we go to work for, it's what we come home to. 

I was talking to my therapist last week. He's been through a similar life as me, written papers on escaping a controlling religion and losing everything in the process. He gets me. 

Me: When does it go away? The nightmares, the sadness, the fight against the old life?

Him: It doesn't. It gets better. It doesn't go away. 

He's always honest. My last boyfriend said he was a terrible doctor for telling me that, but I think that's what makes him a good doctor. 

This is why I don't date anymore. They all just want me to get "fixed". There is no way to do that. And I don't see myself as broken. 

Then I told him that what I missed most about the old me was how much I felt, how much I cared. I still care about people. But not the way I used to. He didn't think it was a bad thing. He said I used to be at an extreme level on one side of this, now I'm at the other end. It will even itself out. 

I got up the next day and went to the Christmas market with my adopted family. T made me a card. She held my hand and I caught up with "mom". I met up with some girlfriends after they left and I came home feeling a slight flicker of all that stuff I miss about me. 

Whether we get married, get divorced or stay single our whole lives, what provides us with the best love is family. If that is our biological family or the family we make for ourselves...that's the love that keeps us grounded, that helps us through hard times, that makes our hearts feel full. Find your family. And then work hard to keep them close. 

Sullivan out. 

The Bride

"If it ain't broke, don't marry it." - Samantha, Sex and the City

Today is my wedding anniversary. I'm not even sure if it's still technically my anniversary now that he's been married to his new wife for two years, but it still feels like it is. 

Had I known I would wake up one day and decide to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, ask him to come with me and he would say no, choose them over me...I may never have made the choice to get married. Or maybe I would have. Who of us can say what decisions we would have made differently knowing the outcome?

My dad knew. Daddy rented me a white Rolls Royce, the icing on the cake for my absolutely perfect wedding. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, he leaned over, looked me in the eye and said "We don't have to do this. We have a car. We can leave right now."  

No way. I was young and naive and nothing was going to stop me from walking down that aisle and marrying the man I loved. Not the nagging doubts, not the fighting between us, not the fact that his family never liked me in the first place. Not the fact that my family didn't like him all that much either. 

We'd been friends since we were 15. He was tall and handsome with the bluest eyes anyone has ever seen. He was brilliant and incredibly funny. No other man has been able to make me laugh so hard that I cry. In the end, we both hurt each other, both broke promises we made. But I don't regret it. He was an excellent choice for my first husband, for the person I was when we were together. 

Will I ever get married again? Probably not. No matter what happens, who I date, he is still my husband in my mind. We were not meant to be together, but we managed to do it for over a decade despite that. Our last anniversary together, we both knew it was past the point of no return. He used to make me pick out my own anniversary presents and plan the day, but that day he didn't. It was really special. 

We may have made a mistake in getting married. But sometimes mistakes are what make us who we are, shape our future. Give us something we would have missed in our life, even if we didn't know we could have had it. 

I'm terrible at dating, I don't trust people, I push them away. It's like I'm lost at sea without a lighthouse to show me the way home. Or an anchor to ground me. 

At the end of the day though, I'm happy he's found happiness. I wish him well. I spent a beautiful day on the lake with my friends today and I feel at peace with what we had, what we lost and what's been found again.

Fourteen years ago, he left me a note before he left one night. It said: "I know all about those other guys. The ones with the athletic thighs. I know all about the time before. Kissing at your front door. They might make you think you're happy. Maybe for a minute or two. They can't make you laugh. They can't make you feel the way I do."

You were right darling. I miss you. 

Sullivan out. 

Ps. Yes, that is a flask in my hand. Scotch. :)