Live Free or Die Hard

It's election day in the US. Apparently everyone is moving to Canada if Trump gets elected. I've learned a thing or two over the past years. I tried, foolishly probably, to fight the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought if I could just expose them for what they are, people would listen and things would change. We could free people from their mind control, their ability to control everyone's life who has been touched by them. I failed.

People better and stronger than me have tried to stand up for freedom of thought, of choice, of religion. I think it's a noble cause. But it takes it's toll.

I haven't blogged in months and that's because I worked so hard to sell hope on here. Even though I just kept getting gutted and I didn't want everyone to know that. Part of that was my bad choices, the wrong decisions I made. Part of it was sabotage from people who were supposed to love me.

A couple of months ago, I ended up in the hospital again. I wasn't supposed to live this time. Being given a one in ten chance of survival is not encouraging. Then they came to me with some papers to sign to say I would accept blood transfusions. Now, that's a big no-no with the J-dubs. As much as I'd felt I'd moved on, they still did and always will have a hold on me. I hesitated. I was alone and didn't know what to do. I was so sad when I got out of the hospital and found out a 27-year-old mother in Quebec refused them and gave into constant pressure from elders (NOT DOCTORS) from the organization who relentlessly pressured her to say no. She died.

Whether it's politics or personal, it seems that we can't control much more than our own personal well-being. These big, powerful, rich people and corporations might, at the end of the day, always win. But we can keep up the fight. As long as we always remember to take care of ourselves. Get rid of the anger, resentment, grief. We need to feel those emotions...fully...and then move on. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be broken.

This morning I weighed 98 lbs. And when I hit my yoga mat, I was angry at my limitations. All of us though are here for a reason. You are, I am. Whatever happens to us, if we can look at the big picture, we are a tiny speck that could be gone at any time. But for now, this is our place. We can still make the world better, no matter who is President, who is in control, and even if we lose a little along the way. As long as we don't lose ourselves. :)

Remember: The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places. We have two choices people: Live Free or Die Hard.

Sullivan out.

Daydreams & Nightmares

My therapist says I should be writing more so here goes. (And, yes, I did just begin yet another sentence with "my therapist says".)

I had another unfortunate experience recently. Maybe Rosemary was right and I should just write a blog called "My horrible, terrible, really bad summer". Or maybe my psychic is right and I just have very bad karma. Either way, I was recently attacked by a man I didn't know. 

I was alone and the experience was terrifying. Thank the Universe I had the advantage of an extreme burst of adrenaline and a drunk, clumsy opponent. Ladies, if you ever find yourself in that situation (and most of us do apparently at some point in our lives, it happens so MUCH more often than you would think): scream, yell in their face, punch, kick, whatever you need to do. These predators are actually cowards trying to intimidate us into thinking they have all the power. In some situations, they do, and very bad things happen. But not always. Sometimes we can win. 

It's remarkable how our brains work, how we can store away hurt and fear and anger until we experience some new trauma and then all of a sudden, the past is back. I haven't been able to sleep since this happened, I wake up every few minutes in a sweat, having a panic attack because all of a sudden, in my sleep, I'm back in my past. I won't bore you with all the details, but I've managed to make my way through every significant trauma in my life - in my sleep - all the way back to the time our house caught on fire when I was 4 or 5 years old. I had completely forgotten that even happened. 

The good news is I've been getting through so many of them a night, I should be out of bad memories by the end of the weekend. 

I've always preferred daydreams to night dreams. In my head, in the light of day, there's always hope and possibility. At night, not so much. My subconscious takes over when I sleep and I can't control it. 

Sometimes, our daydreams turn into nightmares. The day I got married was one of the happiest days of my life. The day I got divorced was a waking nightmare. The day I was baptized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses was full of promise (although I was a brainwashed 12 year old), the day I was disfellowshipped and shunned was terrible. I almost didn't survive those experiences. 

I think though, that I got through them the same way I got through my most recent challenge: sheer will, determination and  refusing to give up. No matter who or what is our opponent if we don't give up we have a fighting chance. At least 50/50 right? I'm going to be really Canadian for a minute and quote Wayne Gretzky: "You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take". 

So when you're faced with something and you know in your gut what the right thing to do is, take that shot. And hopefully, eventually our subconscious catches up with us and stops being so afraid anytime we go to sleep. 

Sullivan out. 

Murmurations by Margaux

Murmuration. Have you heard that word before? It means a flock of birds that fly in formation and create amazing shapes in the sky. If you have a couple of minutes, click the picture below and watch the video. It's amazing. 

I have to say that besides a couple of old, lifelong friends who have made the same choice I have to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, I've stayed out of the ex-JW community for the most part. 

Sure, when I was first "out" I checked out some of the websites. I was afraid though of getting pulled into negativity and I really just wanted to heal and move on. I believe some of those sites are very helpful to those who are looking for an outlet to express their pain, their disappointments, their sadness. I chose to express my feelings through this blog instead. Maybe the idea of speaking to anonymous readers was easier for me, maybe I wasn't ready to let anyone in again just yet. 

The experience I've been through over the past month though of being so publicly "out there" with my story has been both healing and empowering. The outpouring of support I've received from perfect strangers within the community that decided to leave the only community we've ever known, is almost overwhelming. 

Of course, you always get the haters. One woman commented online that she didn't feel like it was a story of growth and development so much as a "one sided sob story meant to incite hate". If she ever read this blog, she would see that as much as I am committed to exposing the truth about the Witnesses, hopefully to help others not go down the same road I did in life and end up regretting years and years dedicated to a cause they no longer believe in and that I truly feel ruins many people's lives and happiness, I do not hate. I say over and over and over I love most of those people and wish them well. It's the organization that controls them that I am not happy with. 

Unless you've been through it, grown up indoctrinated by a cult that controls your every action, you just don't get it. When I read the comments and messages from readers of that article, I can tell right away who has been raised JW and who has no idea what we've gone through. 

Then, of course, there's the "affair". I understand y'all hating on me for that. All I can say is that unless we've been in someone else's situation, you don't know what happens behind closed doors. I'm not proud of that. It's easy to say I should have just left before that happened but there is NO WAY to get out of the JWs or a JW marriage. It's like Hotel California. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. I was depressed, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, obviously my thought process was skewed. Will I always regret it? Yes. But I can't change it. It is what it is. 

At the end of the day, whatever I've done wrong, whatever mistakes I've made, I was obviously terribly unhappy. Happy people don't throw an entire life: their marriage, every friend they ever had, their family away for no reason. 

And now? I am happy and I know I'm not alone. Being part of this community of ex-JWs I can see that we all experience similar things in different ways: post traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, bad dreams. A lot of my closest friends are gay and their coming out has often meant the same kind of challenges and losses. 

If you're around my age, our grandparents fought in the last huge war. They experienced trauma and loss so we could live in a world where we have freedom. Freedom of religion, of thought, of expression, of speech. 

Whatever we're currently dealing with, don't forget - that freedom is ours to embrace. Let's fly together and in formation like the birds and create something beautiful together. 

Sullivan out.