Disney sing-a-long?

Alright. I've been playing nice but time to be a bad person again. The JWs have gone insane. I realize those old white guys on the Governing Body are probably stressed because of this whole worldwide child abuse cover up scandal they are dealing with, but for your viewing pleasure this is hilarious. It's a video of a singing book cart. It's like something from a Disney movie that we weren't allowed to watch growing up because there was magic in it. Which of course is from Satan and the demons.

Now, in my opinion, as an ex-jw, those bookcarts are from Satan and the demons. I won't get too far into it but they are EVERYWHERE in my hood. It took everything in me not to push them over going back and forth from work. I won't say that I didn't stop when I had a minute to warn whoever was talking to them that they're a dangerous cult. Or tell them to pack up and get off the street. But this singing bookcart? He's actually pretty like-able. Like the singing candlestick from Beauty and the Beast. Who didn't like him?

To make things better, they did this. Apparently, if you sin against the holy spirit (high five all you apostates out there) Jehovah discards the person like "a piece of garbage". Well, hmmm. No wonder our families are afraid to talk to us. Brother whatever his name is made a video and put it on the internet where he poisoned his loaf of bread and threw it in the trash. Because that's what Jehovah wants to happen to us sinners. My first thought was, with all your legal bills on these child abuse scandals, should you really be poisoning and then throwing out perfectly good bread? Might make sense to save some money. :)

Religion is supposed to be about everything they are not - tolerance, love, forgiveness, mercy. Show me a God that preaches that and I'll sign up. In the meantime, my religion is being kind, loving everyone no matter what their religious or life choices are and not spreading hate. I have two Buddhas, two Ganesh and one of those waving Chinese cats. They all have fun names like Fred and Frank and Felix. I wear a Celtic cross around my neck, just because I love it and it makes my mother mad. I've got idolatry down.

So do they. This whole blue jw.org box is their new idol. I hope everyone who goes to that site sees it for what it is. A brainwashing tool with some catchy Disney-ish songs and a whole lot of unkindness buried underneath.

C'mon Watchtower, I know y'all are reading me. Disfellowship me again already. Until you do...I'm still dangerous to you.

Ps. Maybe don't watch the first video. That song gets in your head like Justin Bieber. I laughed literally until I cried. I watched it twice. I'm very embarrassed for them. :)

Sullivan out.

Little Lights Shining in the Dark

I had this great friend when I was a Jdub. She was always in love with my husband, but I didn't really get jealous. She was very old. And kinda prickly in the beginning. She was a widow, her husband was the love of her life. She took care of him while he lived with Alzheimer's. Then she was alone. No kids. No family. My ex-husband and I adopted her. She always liked him the most but she loved me too. She called us her kids.

We used to go over every Monday night and make her dinner, took her grocery shopping every Friday at noon, for years. Even after we moved to the Vietnamese and had more on our plate than any two good kids could handle, we always made time for Evelyn. Good times, she wasn't a burden. We would play games and drink this cheap red wine she liked. Talk about all the old times. She could tell you to the year, month, day and hour how long she had been with Lester.

I'm not sure what got into me this past weekend (except a very extreme case of PMS) but gawd, I missed these people. On Saturday I opened a drawer and started tearing things up. Letters, cards, pictures. Then I found this one. 

She said" There is a lot of kindness wrapped up in Travis and Margaux. You may not know it, but you two have changed my life in many ways. It is more colourful, meaningful and interesting. It has built me up."

And then, I didn't touch it but her picture fell on the ground and the glass shattered. I know y'all might think I'm silly with my psychics and superstitions, but I knew she was gone. He and I didn't get divorced for two years. We still went to visit her in the home. I don't think she ever knew we broke up and that's a very good thing. Just seeing his face would make her smile every time. I used to visit her when I was disfellowshipped. She was too old at that point to know I wasn't supposed to be there. Then we got to the point where she didn't know it was me at all.

I was a lot more fragile back then. This past winter while my other friend died, I showed up. Until the last night she was still breathing. I wish I had done that with Evelyn. Because of course, I'm such a dangerous influence, none of the JWs could be bothered to tell me she died or that there was a funeral. Even though I know and she knows and they know that I deserved to be there.

I wonder sometimes if this is what it will be like when my mother dies? I just find out randomly because I call someone I don't talk to anymore and ask the question? Oh yes Margaux, it's very sad. There was a funeral. You weren't invited.

It's disappointing that they think and preach openly that this is the way to win someone back. Through this terrible cruelty that's not even human kindness. Unfortunately, their tactics don't work on me. Each of these little heartbreaks just make me more determined that I made the right choice. I am NEVER coming back. And I'm a big old apostate so just disfellowship me again for Christ's sake.

We're all just little lights shining in the dark and it's sad when a bright one goes out. Evelyn, I love you and I'm sure you're in a better place. And your boyfriend/my ex-husband? I'm sure he misses you too. That's one of the biggest reasons I will always love that guy. He jumped on board with all my adopted strays and they are probably the only ones who really knew him for who he actually was. My time and friendship with both of you will always be happy memories. Rest in peace. Xo.

Sullivan out.

Quiet Desparation

My ex says that we all live lives of quiet desperation. He's kinda depressing sometimes. :)

He was a psych major and he's right a lot of the time. Sometimes though, he's wrong. I've had the worst year I've had in awhile. And I've been mostly quiet about it. I don't write very often. My therapist thinks I can find a balance between telling the truth and not being a complete downer to everyone who reads me because I kinda like being that inspirational feel good story. It'll be alright. Doesn't matter what happens to you, it'll all work out. That's something I tell you and myself so we don't give up, don't feel alone. My ex is right about one thing. This year I caved and lost my voice.

I gave into self doubt, self pity and lost all my self esteem. I felt like Job from the bible where anytime one crisis was over, the next one showed up immediately. I've had health issues, work issues, family issues and then one of my best friends died. And then press repeat on all the things that came before that last part of the sentence.

I understand that I've reached millions of people by writing about my disappointment with the Jehovah's Witnesses. They are actually a big and powerful and rich corporation and they almost dealt me a death blow last February by tearing me away from my family, yet again. And they made me shut up. I was honestly too sad and sick and tired to talk about them anymore.

I understand desperation. I've been there. But I don't have to be quiet about it. Controlling, aggressive, manipulative organizations will always exist. My life would have been easier if I'd just faded away and kept my mouth shut. Is easier the better way though?

Tonight my phone charger broke and I went to the store to buy a new one, because who can live without your cell phone? A huge guy walked in and he was yelling about some guy on the street who walked too close to him and how he was going to crush someone's skull if anyone else did that. I just turned around and told him he was out of line and if he planned on doing that tonight I would have to call the police (which he didn't realize I couldn't exactly do because my phone was dead). The poor Chinese guy who chit chats with me whenever I go in there was trying to get me to shut up and leave, for my own safety. I did. And I looked over my shoulder the whole two blocks home.

I guess my point is, we might never win the fights against the giants. This whole year, I've been looking over my shoulder and feeling afraid. That's why I haven't been writing. Even my dad suggested I give up on this and let someone else do the fighting. My boss believes in me though. He was the one who said we could be a murmuration. A flock of birds who fly together in formation as one. Together, we can make a difference.

Again for the hundredth time I will stress it's not the individual JWs I oppose, it's the rich, controlling organization that brainwashes people, ruins people lives, tears families apart, drives individuals to depression, PTSD, suicide.

Y'all know who you are. And I'm not going to shut up. Wait for the book - it's coming. :)

Sullivan out.