Little Lights Shining in the Dark

I had this great friend when I was a Jdub. She was always in love with my husband, but I didn't really get jealous. She was very old. And kinda prickly in the beginning. She was a widow, her husband was the love of her life. She took care of him while he lived with Alzheimer's. Then she was alone. No kids. No family. My ex-husband and I adopted her. She always liked him the most but she loved me too. She called us her kids.

We used to go over every Monday night and make her dinner, took her grocery shopping every Friday at noon, for years. Even after we moved to the Vietnamese and had more on our plate than any two good kids could handle, we always made time for Evelyn. Good times, she wasn't a burden. We would play games and drink this cheap red wine she liked. Talk about all the old times. She could tell you to the year, month, day and hour how long she had been with Lester.

I'm not sure what got into me this past weekend (except a very extreme case of PMS) but gawd, I missed these people. On Saturday I opened a drawer and started tearing things up. Letters, cards, pictures. Then I found this one. 

She said" There is a lot of kindness wrapped up in Travis and Margaux. You may not know it, but you two have changed my life in many ways. It is more colourful, meaningful and interesting. It has built me up."

And then, I didn't touch it but her picture fell on the ground and the glass shattered. I know y'all might think I'm silly with my psychics and superstitions, but I knew she was gone. He and I didn't get divorced for two years. We still went to visit her in the home. I don't think she ever knew we broke up and that's a very good thing. Just seeing his face would make her smile every time. I used to visit her when I was disfellowshipped. She was too old at that point to know I wasn't supposed to be there. Then we got to the point where she didn't know it was me at all.

I was a lot more fragile back then. This past winter while my other friend died, I showed up. Until the last night she was still breathing. I wish I had done that with Evelyn. Because of course, I'm such a dangerous influence, none of the JWs could be bothered to tell me she died or that there was a funeral. Even though I know and she knows and they know that I deserved to be there.

I wonder sometimes if this is what it will be like when my mother dies? I just find out randomly because I call someone I don't talk to anymore and ask the question? Oh yes Margaux, it's very sad. There was a funeral. You weren't invited.

It's disappointing that they think and preach openly that this is the way to win someone back. Through this terrible cruelty that's not even human kindness. Unfortunately, their tactics don't work on me. Each of these little heartbreaks just make me more determined that I made the right choice. I am NEVER coming back. And I'm a big old apostate so just disfellowship me again for Christ's sake.

We're all just little lights shining in the dark and it's sad when a bright one goes out. Evelyn, I love you and I'm sure you're in a better place. And your boyfriend/my ex-husband? I'm sure he misses you too. That's one of the biggest reasons I will always love that guy. He jumped on board with all my adopted strays and they are probably the only ones who really knew him for who he actually was. My time and friendship with both of you will always be happy memories. Rest in peace. Xo.

Sullivan out.