You gotta have FAITH

Before this river becomes an ocean, before you throw my heart back on the floor...I've gotta have Faith. ~ George Michael

This was my friends favorite song. You can't even imagine how many hours I spent trying to get the slideshow I put together for the celebration of his life to perfectly match timing with the two songs I chose. This was the second one.

Too many hours. And not enough hours. With his family not here, someone had to step up and take care of that. He was right though.

No matter what happens in life, faith keeps us going. Yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed. After his death, my dog got really sick. These are external influences. It's not feel sorry for Margaux time, it's just that I've had a lot to process lately. Work was really busy, I was worried about Max.

I was walking home from work, I'd been trying to suppress a panic attack all day. Usually, I come home for lunch. Yesterday I was too busy. By the time 6 pm came around, I was in full panic mode. I always walk past Saks because I love the dresses in the windows. I started throwing up. That's what happens when the panic attacks hit emergency.

I threw up four times. On the street in front of their lovely window displays. A lot of people walked past me. They looked at me. They probably could have thought I was a drug addict or something. Except I was dressed corporate and had a Kate Spade purse and had been at work all day.

I didn't know if I was going to make it home. The fourth time though, a woman came up to me. She asked if I was okay or I needed help.

At the end of the day, those 30 or 40 others who just walked past me don't matter. It's that one in a few people who make all the difference. The ones who make sure your river doesn't become an ocean that you're drowning in.

I told her I was close to home and I'd be okay.

It taught me something. We need to recognize and appreciate those really good people out there. I've been on both sides, as a sufferer and supporter. We need more of you on our side. Be kind to one another. Don't let the river become an ocean.

I have the best people behind me now: family (non-jw), friends, work, random strangers. Who have been extraordinarily kind.

People like that give me faith. :)

Sullivan out.

Fragile Bird

Over 2,500 years ago, the Buddha identified anger as one of the three poisons that hinder our progress towards liberation from suffering. 

In psychology, it's also #2 in the five stages of grief. Grieving is a personal process that has no time limit and no one "right way" to do it. 

I'm so over the Jehovah's Witnesses. There are only five people who still have a hold over me, who are able to make me sad, bring back the depression, the sleepless nights, the panic attacks. People I have been trying to forget about for the past five years. They are, in order of importance: Travis, Adam, Vivian, Erin and Linda. I don't usually use real names on here anymore so you may have no idea who they are and that's okay. I just wanted to say their names. 

I'm a little bit angry at them, but anger has never really been my go-to emotion. I mostly just get sad. 

Below is a link to an interesting article. Almost half of the people dealing with depression and mental health issues wouldn't disclose them - to family, work, friends. For fear of the stigma related to the condition. If you have cancer, that's socially acceptable. People will rally around you, support you, talk about their friend who is fighting such a courageous battle. (And they should - this is in no way trying to belittle what those brave people go through.) This battle though? Is for the most part silent. God forbid anyone knows you're crying in the bathroom at work, faking your smile at lunch with a friend or even worse, not leaving the house at all so you don't have to put in all that effort. 

http://www.thestar.com/life/health_wellness/2015/02/27/im-writing-this-because-i-dont-want-to-die-jowita-bydlowska-on-shame-and-mental-illness.html

We should talk about it though. We should make those who are suffering feel they have support to speak up and seek help. The alternative? On average 4,000 Canadians die every year from suicide. 

Recently, I've been sad again, I've been angry. I can't predict that it won't come back. But I don't want to be that fragile bird that lets other people control how I feel about myself. It's too much power to give them. 

My best friends favorite cousin passed away. She received a short, curt email from the family. No invitation to the funeral. I honestly don't understand these people. Where is their compassion and love they preach so passionately about? 

There has been a wave of media coverage on the sex abuse scandals and cover ups amoungst the Jehovah's Witnesses recently. That makes me happy. Not that those things happened, but that people are becoming strong enough to speak out against them. 

This reporter has done a lot of work to tell the truth: 
https://www.facebook.com/TreyBundy?ref=profile

Let's show our support for all the people who have suffered or are suffering now. For the people who are brave enough to speak out and have a voice. If enough of us can do it, we may be able to make a difference. Not to break the stigma of mental health (that will take much more time). Not to take down a multi-billion dollar organization who pleads the first amendment as a reason they can cover up child abuse cases within their congregations. (That may never happen.)

One of the smartest people I know - my boss - always says we have to start to start. 

I got this for my birthday (not to kill anyone with, my therapist just thought I needed some inspiration to feel more empowered).

We might be fragile on our own, but together who knows what we can do? Let's not give up and look to each others stories and battles for hope, courage and inspiration. 

Sullivan out.  

Whatever the question, Love is the answer

It's been a rough week. Maybe it's because today is not only Friday the 13th but also a full moon. That doesn't happen very often. The next time it does, we'll all be very old.

I have to say, I really appreciate your comments on this blog, on the Canadian Living article online and on reddit.com. I know not all of you feel ready to be anything other than "anonymous" and that's ok.  I am so grateful for your support. When I started speaking out about my past, my experiences, and against the Watchtower organization, no one was really listening. Today it's a different story.  And now, y'all are speaking out too. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, it's the organization that I'm against, not the people. Some ex-jws have been very vocally angry at me for not disassociating myself, not cutting off my mother and sister. What can I say? I love the people despite everything that's happened. I don't see any benefit in giving in to anger and hate. Does that mean I don't think we should ever feel angry about what happened to us? Of course not. Who would choose to be raised in a controlling, brainwashing cult? None of us. But that was our experience and let's admit it - we had some really good times there. 

I'm not downplaying the emotional trauma that we've been through and are still going through. A lot of us have post traumatic stress. I finally, after the worst panic attack of my life, went to my therapist yesterday and told him to just put me on medication. I've always felt a stigma around this (and actually around therapists in general) but I've come to the point in life where I realize I need help. And today I feel much better. :)

I want to continue to focus on the positive. I have happy memories of a lot of old friends that I will always cherish. I want to stay a part of my family. Holding on to anger and resentment only hurts us, not the people we're sending it to. We can speak out, we can be activists without being hateful. Love is the answer and love will set us free. :)

Sullivan out.