Merry Little Christmas

Christmas. It's a strange time of year. It's the best of times, the worst of times. On one hand, some people go out of their way to be kinder than usual. I was at the farmers market on Christmas eve and there were two people ahead of me in line to buy flowers. A young, hipster-ish guy and an older lady. He was buying the most beautiful flowers and she made a comment about them. He took one rose out, handed it to the store clerk and asked him if he could wrap it up separately. Then he turned around and gave it to her and said Merry Christmas. He walked away and she started crying.

I don't know her story but all of us can have a bit of a hard time over the holidays. They might make you feel more single, more lonely. If you've lost people over the past year you miss them more. If you are far away from your family you feel more alone.

Other people completely miss the meaning of the season. I was at the post office the other day sending something down home to my family and a woman yelled at the guy who shut the door as they were closing because he wouldn't let her in - the line up was already way too long. She refused to leave, she just yelled and yelled.

It's a time of joy and gratitude, but it's also the time of year that people push you out of the way in the stores and you stress about how much money you're spending trying to show your friends and family how much they mean to you.

I went to midnight mass, like I do every year. (Although apparently that's at 8:30 pm these days.) I don't know why I go. I don't like religion and after this past year, I dislike it more than usual. I put on a pretty dress and tried to be open to it, but I just got up and left after the first half, went home and almost cried. I don't judge people who are believers or who find meaning in their church. I just know that religion has caused significant pain, suffering and loss in my life and for right now anyways, I just don't need the reminder.

It was Max's first Christmas here and just like his mom, he wouldn't leave his presents alone under the tree until morning, he kept pulling them out to play with.

Yesterday I went to Christmas dinner with my girlfriends family. I've met so many kind people these past few years who make sure I'm not alone over the holidays. The turkey dinner was fabulous and it was bittersweet to be surrounded by four generations of a real family. I felt honored to be included, I also felt acutely the absence of the people I've lost this year. The ones I'm not getting back this time.

At the end of the day, I feel very grateful for what I have. My own little eclectic "family" that I built for myself. The ups and downs of the past few days are normal for all of us. It was a very merry little Christmas with some bumps along the way for most of us. We all helped each other through it with lots of laughs and hugs and kisses and some cute little presents. And we'll do it all again in 2016. :)

Sullivan out.