No Freedom Until We Are Equal

I've been thinking about how to write this for over a week. I'm still not sure I know. Jay and I watch the news. A lot. Then we watch all the late night tv hosts. In America, our lives are not equal yet. Not when Black men are dying at the hands of white police officers over nothing but a pack a cigarettes. Not when I can't go for brunch or on vacation with my partner without getting dirty looks.

Racism is alive and thriving mostly I think because we have a Hitler running the White House.

My friend called me yesterday and said if you go for a walk this weekend be really careful. There's going to be protests near us and maybe riots, a large group is coming up from the US. I'm white privilege so I'd be a target. First COVID and then we're heading towards civil war in the US.

Guess what? I might be white but I am not privileged. I had a difficult upbringing. I've actually had a pretty shitty life. I was raised in a cult. Men have tried to rape me. Everything I've achieved I've done it alone. I don't understand what it's like to be a person of colour or a minority.

But I can tell you this. My best friend is a lesbian. My best friend before her, until she died of cancer, was Black. My partner is a different colour than me. I have marched in the pride parade. I have embraced different cultures.

I'm scared of what's coming next. More violence? More discrimination? Human rights are for everyone, there is no difference, we can't remain voiceless. I'll say it straight - white people have no right to take advantage of other cultures anymore. We need to be kind. Right now we are NOT. Let's do better. And honour the ones who have passed unnecessarily like George Floyd.

We can't really change who we are on the inside, but we can try. We can try to be better. I try to be better every day, because I know being pretty is not enough. And that's what the world needs right now. Kindness. No freedom till we are equal.

Sullivan out.

Heaven and Hell

They tricked us. Heaven and hell - they are both just places on earth. During this recent epidemic it's more hell than heaven. But people though are stepping up. Some are going crazy, but a lot have learned to be kinder. To help those in need. The majority of us have stopped thinking about ourselves and take measures to keep others safe.

To leave food or flowers outside the door for our neighbours. To wear a mask when we go out. And keep friends that we desperately need and miss 6 feet away, if we see them at all. No more hugs no more parties. IF we are doing this right and are hoping us and the people we love to get through it.

I need to be particularly careful because I have stage 4 liver disease. I'm tired of hiding so there it is. Stage 4 is the last stage so I have anywhere from tomorrow to forever (if someone wants to volunteer a piece of their liver). Yah I drank too much. I had lost my entire life, not that it's a reason to be self destructive but show me someone who hasn't, considering the circumstances. Then I got e.coli probably from a spinach salad trying to be healthy. They gave me a 10% chance to live. Then the topper was needing a blood transfusion and being given the wrong blood. I think I had less than a 10% chance that time. The doctors thought they killed me that time and it was their fault.

I've been feeling sorry for myself the past two days, I'm over it. My therapist says my bounce back time is really really good now. Doctors have no idea what they are doing but if I die young I'm okay with that. Jay and I would like to travel a bit so hopefully it's not tomorrow that takes me :)

Half of my Heart

I'm an empath. One of my girlfriends always says she owes me thousands of dollars in therapy. Which is probably thanks to the thousands of dollars I've spent in therapy. For Christmas I got three books on being an empath and how to balance it.

I'm not gonna lie to y'all it's a fine line to walk. Caring enough to help but not caring too much that it brings you down with the shipwreck. It's something we didn't think we'd see in out lifetime so thank gawd for the the health care system and all essential workers who keep our country going.

I just don't do things the way a normal person does. I laugh when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad. I can't be half hearted. This epidemic would make anyone either very upset or pretend it's not happening at all. Now children are dying. Not just older people. Don't even get me started on how Trump is trying to kill America. To keep the money rolling in. His own people keep getting sick and dying. Protests in the streets, people killing each other for no reason. History is going back in time, not forward and if you're smart enough you know exactly who I'm talking about.

We're dying here too, but more slowly than a country run by some ego maniac. We're taking it slow. Doing what we can.

I know this is killing the economy. I know people are lining up overnight at food banks. I know as long as we are doing okay, that if I was still JW I would probably be so happy that all the things they told us were finally coming true and paradise was coming. That it's the end of the world as we know it. But that's a bunch of selfish people thinking only about them, not the rest of the world.

Instead, I live with a guy, a dog and a cat. I have no predisposed ideas about getting into paradise at this point. I have a bad immune system so he won't let me leave the house without an M3 N-95 mask. I'm allergic to all fabrics that are synthetic so my allergies kicked in and now I've been walking around with a black eye for 5 or 6 days cause I'm allergic to those masks. Imagine how much fun my Zoom meetings at work have been with a black eye.

Ben is the only one allowed to come over and he does, every day. We have our little quarantine family. Sometimes Lindsay and Declan pop by and we say hi, them on the sidewalk, me out the window. My Taurus doesn't really understand the Pisces. That even a fish can die underwater for so long.

COVID doesn't seem to be going away. Maybe in times like these we should look outside ourselves and find ways to help others. The non profit I work for does not receive government funding or money from the United Way. They rely solely on donations. Our fundraising events for the spring/summer? Not gonna happen.

I know we're all struggling financially, but if you're one of those who aren't, if you're happy and comfortable in life, please think about helping others who need support now more than ever before. Eating disorders are the #2 cause of death out of all mental health issues.

www.sheenasplace.org/donate

We appreciate any support that helps us help other. But don't do anything unless your whole heart is in it. Half of a heart is not going to get us out of this mess, despite the best intentions.

Sullivan out.

Broken wings don't fly

Whenever I feel far from home, facing the world on my own you are the calm in my storm you are the light that's guiding me, the only one I see, the only one need. You're my gravity. 

I was supposed to go home last summer. It didn't work out. So I said I'd be there in the spring. That's not working out either. My grandma is one of my best friends. If you looked up "unconditional love" in the dictionary it would be a picture of her. I like to think I got some of her traits.

She really wants to meet Jay. I know y'all must be sick of hearing me talk about him but he's my gravity. Keeps me grounded. I got sick for a long time and had to leave my job while I was doing my MBA. He's like don't worry about money, we'll figure it out, you have to finish it. I feel like gravity is always trying to bring me down. Not gonna happen.

Before this whole epidemic broke out I was looking at places to lease to start a flower shop. He wanted to open a bar but he totally supported me. He's like, we'll get yours going first.

I think I've mentioned it enough on this blog, but I haven't always been the best girlfriend. To borrow a quote from Lindsay, I'm not sitting here with angel wings. I just got lucky. Are Jay and I the perfect couple? Of course not, nothings perfect. But he's as close to being home that I can get cause I can't go home. He is actually the calm in my storm of a life. I get these panic attacks and he just rubs my back and holds my hand until they go away.

I know as soon as this mess is over and we can travel he'll take me back east. That was our plan. He keeps reminding me and his smile pulls me through.

I know we're all struggling now, being isolated, being afraid of getting sick. But we're in it together. And we will get out of it together. There will be a calm after the storm, and that's when I'll go home. : )

Sullivan out.

Please, please don't leave me.

I can't sleep. This virus is messing with my head. All my friends are kinda depressed. Everyone has lost their jobs, including my boyfriend. You try to stay positive but life has changed so much. You can't go to work, you can't shop, you can't travel, you can't go to a restaurant. Suddenly, you are quarantined in your apartment with your partner, your dog and your cat. You miss your friends, you miss their babies.

But there's really nothing else you can do right now if you want to stay alive. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a place to live and I don't have to live alone. I've had so many health issues my friends are afraid to see me because they might make me sick and I get it. I'm afraid of that too.

I've never missed my dad and my grandma so much. It's like the choice to see them is taken away and you realize you should have gone home more.

Every day, unless I have a zoom meeting at work, there's no reason to get out of your pjs. I think I wore the same tshirt three days in a row this week. Your doctors and therapists only do phone meetings which is fine with me. I thought I hated leaving the apartment until I couldn't.

That's not what bothers me though. My best friend "on the outside" died a few years ago. It was hard for me, harder for her. At least I got to be there on her last night and kiss her goodbye. These days we don't know. Maybe I wouldn't get the chance to be there for someone else like I was for her. So y'all stay safe and alive for me okay? Cause I can't lose anyone else.

In the meantime, all we can do is get up every day and try. My dad is such an advocate for being positive and looking on the bright side.

Suck it up buttercup. Better days are ahead.

Sullivan out.

Year of the Snake

It's not really. In the Chinese calendar it's year of the Rooster. But in that calendar, I'm a snake. Which I never could understand because they've always been my phobia. Can't look at a picture or see them on tv, I find them terrifying.

Did you know though that snakes shed their skin 2-4 times a year? Maybe I am one of theirs. I've changed so much over the past ten years, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. The pendulum has swung both ways and I ended up somewhere in the middle. My other grandmother was famous for saying "As long as they land on their feet" and I feel I have.

I got an MBA. I love my job. I'm even getting used to living through Armageddon. I miss my friends but we call and FaceTime and I have a dog at home and a guy who loves me so much he'd probably kill me if I tried to take the subway during this epidemic.

This week things started arriving. We order online a lot now. He ordered dishes, cookware, bedding. New stuff for the apartment. My first thought was OMG I'm married again. He's never leaving. I've been on my own so long I'm not used to people not leaving. It's kinda out of my comfort zone. My second thought was...I'm worth not leaving. 

I know I need to keep shedding my skin, keep improving, keep moving forward the best I can, everyday. Watch out though, some snakes bite. :)

Sullivan out.

Go away, make me want to miss you

Self isolation doesn't seem to be hitting me as hard as some others. I think that's because I already went through a year of it. And fortunately unlike a lot of people, I still have a job.

Home has always been my safe place and now I get to be here a lot. My friends are all still safe. And I've seen kindness that doesn't always come with living in Toronto.

The only person I'm "allowed" to go see is my old boss. He had to close the flower shop so I just pop in every couple of days to check up and make sure everyone is okay. Usually bring home some flowers.

My boyfriend is very cautious cause hey, if anyone is going to die from this it'll be the girl who is always in the hospital. So I wear my mask and gloves and stay away from mostly everyone. The thing he doesn't get is while I worry about others, I'm not worried about me, I'm never going to die. It would have happened by now.

I worry about him and the others who aren't used to being isolated without a social system. In this pandemic, people have lost more than their health. They have lost who they are. Without our jobs and our friends and our constantly overloaded calendars of things to do, who are we?

We are basically living a country music song, three chords and the truth. The truth is not always easy to accept. I miss my girlfriends, hell I even miss working from my office. But this won't kill me. I still have to get home to see my grandma it was supposed to have happened already. And Jay and I put off our trip to Costa Rica last year, so we gotta do that too.

I'm happy we got to Nashville before this really broke out in North America. When one of us is having a bad day Lindsay or I will just say remember when we were in Nashville? We went to the Bluebird! LEGENDARY.

For the next few months, we just need to be careful and keep trying to be grateful for what we have and have had. Maybe we're just getting by. That's good enough for now. C'mon people, let's at least try to remember what day of the week it is. And shower and change our clothes once in awhile. Or all we will go down in history is a tragic story of some guy half a world away who ate a bat and then everyone fought over toilet paper. We don't want to be remembered for that!

The other day my old boss was cleaning out the store and he gave me tons of flowers. Too many to handle really. I made little bouquets and left them outside all my neighbours doors. One of them dropped off dinner for me the other night and left it outside my door and we both made it at the same time and just talked on the phone while we ate. One of my girlfriends got, by the grace of the Gods, some disinfecting wipes and left them outside my door. This is what we want to be remembered for. Little acts of kindness. And we will never take for granted FaceTime, toilet paper or Lysol wipes again. Just remember during this crisis, there's more to life than Netflix. :)

There are tons of places that would love to have volunteers to pick up phone calls and talk to people who need help. If you're doing a grocery run think about who might need something from the store, especially those who can't get out at all. And there are lots of things we can do from home to help and stay feeling fulfilled.

And eventually, it will pass and life will go back to normal. Hopefully we learned something. Don't lose hope, send it to other people and we can all come out of this better, stronger.

Just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die. You got to get up and try. - Pink 

If I'm wrong blow me one last kiss and we'll all call it even.

Sullivan out.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Well since the Spanish influenza this is our biggest test. Who will live and who will die. My cat will definitely survive she's so evil. I feel like we are in game of thrones but we're fighting over toilet paper, not lives. Maybe the Jdubs were right its Armageddon. Or maybe just the universe sending us a sign to stop taking for granted what he have.

Me? I'm not so sure. Honestly, we've been self isolating and watching the news a lot. I don't have the greatest immune system. Sometimes I'm allowed to leave the apartment but only wearing this (pic below)

My hope since yes, I am sincerely an optimist, is this time alone together will make us stronger. Will make us appreciate our loved ones we can only FaceTime with. Will make us turn inward and embrace the things we always wanted to do but said we never had the time. Will make us more compassionate to other cultures? I hope so that in this way we can  honor the victims whose lives were cut too short.

Remind us to live every day like its our last and be kind. Live free and die hard. (sorry that's just my thing)

Sullivan out.

Self Care

Here's a story you haven't heard yet. I am in love with this gay guy. Oh I love Jay too. I just think Benny Drama is the best. Jay always says I love everyone so it doesn't mean that much but I really do so it actually does.

So I forced one of my besties to come see his show with me. I will never forget that night because we actually had a snowstorm on November 11th. So we get to the show and they are playing this slideshow of pictures of his life and I'm just watching. Then Ty taps me on the shoulder and was like, uh he's behind you and he's coming for you. There was probably about a thousand people there.

He was wearing a blonde wig and a pink negligee and he walked right down, sat on my lap and sang a song. Ty called it but I don't think either of us actually believed it till it happened. All the other girls were jealous I was the only one he went to that night. And tell you what? One of my best memories ever. I could bump into Taylor Swift and I'd be like, oh hey girl but I was heart eye emoji for Benny.

He does these videos on your astrological sign. They are hilarious. Jay is a Taurus and it's all "Self care! I just want to cuddle you! Self care!" Jay took January off work. The reason he wrote in his request was "self care". Mine is Pisces and it's 100% Margaux. The girl he plays in that one is blonde and crazy.

I'm happy he's successful and shares the fun with the rest of us. And despite our gay/straight differences I'm pretty sure he knows I'm the one who got away. :)

Sullivan out.

Hey Soul Sister!

I woke up at 3 am and went to the kitchen. I thought I'd get a bowl of rice and a glass of water. Oh the perks of living in sin with an Asian, there's always fresh rice.

Jay: Bad dreams?
Me: Is there any other kind?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I guess she's 41 now. The days are long but the years are short. I don't really think about my family. Both my therapists are not fans, they think of them more like an infected limb I should cut off and be done with it before it spreads all through me. Does that hurt? Don't do it. 

They are probably right. But my sister. We've been through a lot together. A lot of her problems, she was never around for mine. I was always there for her though. I haven't seen her or my mother in over three years. Since she invited me and then uninvited me to her wedding. One of the biggest traumas in my life, I have to admit. When she gave me the invitation I said, are you sure? She said of course, you're my sister. Then the elders got involved and even though I'd bought a dress, wrote a card, had the wedding present, I wasn't allowed to go.

My family came to Toronto and drove by my place on their way to the wedding. I was sitting on the window in my pjs smoking. Yah, I used to smoke. They honked and waved like it was any other day of the week. I went out and drank until I didn't have any more feelings.

That was a long time ago now and I've found mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers. Not by blood but out of love. I understand why my therapists and everyone else wants me to stay away from my family. The blood ties though are strong and pull at you every once in awhile. These people are pretty much strangers to me at this point but I still miss them. And wherever my sister is, I hope she's happier than I was in that life and wish her all the best.

Sullivan out.

The Unicorn and the Mermaid

I missed my usual New Years Eve post. I was sick sick sick. Y'all know I'm all about new beginnings and I usually write about having yet another chance to start over.

One of my besties came by and we did our gift exchange. All my friends are all over the place, I don't have a "crew" per se, so I had to do all these different Christmas exchange dinners and meet ups all week. He got the worst one. I was leaving the next day and he was like we can't do Christmas after New Years. So he came over and saw me in at my worst. I love him because he's so kind, so sweet and he always tell me I'm so beautiful. Inside and out. I was not beautiful that night.

He goes by 21 and I'm 27 but we know each others' real ages. We went to a drag show I literally dragged him to in a snowstorm on November 11th. Hello, my name is Margaux and I'm in love with Benny Drama. No one else would have come with me.

That's why I still believe every day, not just our birthday, not just New Years, not just a changing season, can be a new beginning and we don't know what it will bring. One weekend I picked up a random extra job on a movie set and of course was drawn to the most genuine person in the room. That was more than half a year ago. My boyfriend will tell me if you're calling him now I'm watching a movie because your conversations are never less than 3 hours long. It's true.

I know most of you don't believe this but I know who I knew in my past lives and who I didn't. Gawd, I love Jay but he's new in this life. This other guy, we have been re-united. Both of us live on that side of the rainbow where we're not quite there yet but we see the other side so we are always looking for the positive. Over the rainbow. :)

Unique in our own ways, I call him the Unicorn and he calls me the mermaid. One half in reality one in the sense of wonderment over what can be. That's what keeps us young. He showed up for the show about 5 minutes after me. We had to show ID at the door. The girl checking it was like you're seriously messing with me. That's not real. I'm like yah it is, that's my real birthday. She just shook her head and let me in. Then he showed up. She was like, no way. There's two of you? Is this real? You must be with that blonde girl who doesn't age.

Jay says age is all in our mind. I'm sure it'll catch up with us eventually but for now, we're still just a bunch of adult kids making the most of life, one day at a time.

He got me this for the tree. Cheers to a New Year, to good friends and to be open to what the future holds for all of us. Wishing everyone all the best in 2020.

Sullivan out.

Whiplash

"You're in every song I wrote. But you'll never know. This is the way it should be. I'm no longer broken. And I don't need those blue eyes."

The three men I loved the most in my past life had blue eyes. Wasn't always a good time. My ex-husband, the guy I left him for and my dad. Things might still work out with dad if he realizes I'm not broken anymore. But I have the exact same eyes as him and they remind me where I come from.

I actually didn't think I'd survive all this. My therapist said I should be crazy by now. The thing about whiplash is you don't know you have it right away. It takes time for the pain to set in. Once it's there it never really goes away.

I know this from a car accident I was in, I'm not just speaking figuratively. I only get books and makeup for Christmas except for from Jay I get a Kate Spade purse twice a year. The three books this year was "Healing Trauma", "The Empath's Survival Guide" and the "Awakened Empath".

I get it guys, I'm an empath. And a hippy. I wore a flowered headband to dinner with Jay's family last night. Are those character flaws? I don't think so. But if we are an empath, we do have to learn how to live with it.

I have my moments but I don't feel broken anymore. I feel surrounded by love. My partner in life works late and often I wait up for him. He puts me to bed and turns on my rain app because it calms me and makes me sleep. And no, he doesn't have blue eyes. :) The whiplash remains. The pain heals.

Sullivan out.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Make the Yule tide gay. From now on our troubles will be miles away.

Speaking of gays, they are my favorite.  Three of my besties are gay. One of them always says I'm so gay I'm one of theirs. I'm straight but I am be one of theirs. I love those friends a lot. And I have a huge crush on Benny Drama. 

I also love going to church at Christmas. I hate religion but I kinda like church. It is so much better than a Kingdom Hall. The choir, the incense, the songs we sing. The fact that you get to light candles or burn incense for your friends. One year I went home for Christmas. And everyone had to wait for the next person to light your candle. I used to smoke. I had a lighter in my pocket and I said to dad let's not wait just light them up. He was having none of that. 

I don't like the bible but I do like the story about Jesus. I don't think he actually existed but if he did he was a good man. Probably bi sexual cause he loved Mary Magdelen and the apostle John. He didn't judge. He was all love. 

In our day and age we shouldn't judge either. Who actually cares unless someone is self harming? Be who you are, own it. Be proud about it. I know feeling shame does nothing good for you. 

Being spiritual even without a religion is an important part of life. It is something we should embrace. Hark the herald angels sing. 

Merry Christmas everyone.

Sullivan out.  

What about trust? What about love? What about us?

Family is not always easy. It's probably one of the hardest negotiations you go through in life.

Welcome to my life. Both my therapists (yes I have two) tell me to stay away from my family. I understand why. Two suicide attempts. My immediate family has been my downfall.

After two years of nothing really I came home today and had a package in my mailbox. It was from my dad, a Christmas present. I tell myself I don't need anyone because that's how life turned out. I made a wrong turn once or twice. Some bad decisions.

Overall I think I was the one who was there anytime anyone needed anything. I did the best I could. And I was the one who was punished. I kept my siblings alive. Now what are we? No siblings. Do I even have a mother? I don't think so.

But John, my dad, was the love of my life. And I know I'm his. When he looks into our same eyes he knows like I do that we have an unbreakable connection. I wish I could have had a child and passed the eyes on. It's more than that though. We are the same in so many ways. Am I scared to try again? I'd be insane not to. But he made a gesture.

He spends so much of his life like I do, helping others. However this works out John will always be a hero to me. So I guess...here we go again....whatever happens boys out there just know daddy will always be my love, the most handsome man in the world. And you'll have to fill some really big shoes to take his place.

Sullivan out.

Pretending to be happy

Is a huge burden. Pretending you're always strong for everyone else. Kills you inside. Now I know my m, uhhmmmm, not mother, Linda's side of the family will be mad at me as usual if I write anything negative cause Grandma will be upset. Heads up family I know her computer doesn't work. Please buy her a new one for Christmas and I'll stop writing these kinds of blogs. :)

You know why I know she's not upset? Because I talk to her every week. Because I was a good child and I'm a good grandchild, although not perfect. Why do musicians get to yell and scream at everyone who has ever hurt them and everyone sings along but I'm not allowed to talk.

I talked to my...no wait...not my father, John today and I think we're mending bridges. Maybe someday he'll be daddy again.

Jay left for work today and he said pretending to be happy is hard. It is. I do it every fucking day. So does he. Then what is left for us in the three minutes we have together a day? I never thought I'd think this but I need to be more selfish. One of my best memories was this day. Hit something. Hit it hard and let it fly away. Christmas market will end and I'll finish my MBA (four days!) and then we'll see where we are at. In the meantime, let it fly.

Sullivan out.

The Promise

"When you need a friend, don't look to a stranger. You know in the end I'll always be there."

Once upon a time, maybe seven years ago, I met a guy. He was fun. He threw crazy parties. Hosted a Game of Thrones night every Monday. We used to wait for each other to get off work so we could go out. I'd come out of the restaurant and he'd be leaning against a wall earphones on, cigarette in his hand. He was a sexy smoker. We were just friends.

Except he always tried to kiss me. One night I let him. We had a great summer. We implemented no pants Sundays and would hang out in the back yard suntanning and talking to our adopted Raccoon, Conrad.We'd feed him pizza and chips. He got so comfortable with us he actually broke into the house one time and Jay found him sitting on the couch eating chips and watching tv.

But this isn't a fairytale, We broke up. A lot. We fought a lot. We dated other people. But the in between times were what made us special. Like how he'd buy me flowers on Mother's Day because he knew that day made me sad. How we were never speaking to each other again but I texted him when Cat was dying of cancer and he showed up and went with me to put her down and we both cried.

We've come a long way since then. We grew up. Things happened so we were forced to. I spent a lot of time in the hospital. I was dating someone else at that time who never once showed up. Jay would text me every morning and ask what I wanted to eat. He'd curl up in the little stale hospital bed with me so I didn't feel alone. We didn't party anymore. He said something to me tonight after he went out to buy the biggest Christmas tree I've ever had and I was so happy. We were dancing around the living room to 90s music, Christmas music decorating the tree. Where would you be right now without me? I said dead. I'd be dead. He said yes, you would be.

So I asked him, are you in love with me or did you stay with me out of guilt? Out of knowing where I'd be without you. You have a hero complex so I've never been sure.  He was honest. He said yes that's why he stayed with me all these years. At least in the beginning. But now he really is in love with me. He thinks I'm so strong and so smart and even pretty sometimes :) Sometimes love comes softly. He said you saved me too. I looked around our apartment and the dog on my lap and the cat on his and I got it. I gave him a family surrounded by love.

I ran into my brother randomly the other day (my family mostly shuns me) he was like are you and J married yet? I said basically yes. I don't need another ceremony, to sign some papers. But he is totally end game for me. I made a promise to myself to never let him down again. We've lived together for years so we are married, just not on paper. Death is the enemy. We've lost pets, we've lost family, we've lost friends. We won't lose each other.

He drives me crazy sometimes with his Filipino food and leaving his socks on the floor. But if that the worst I can say about the most wonderful person I've ever met, it's not so bad. And hey, he made sure that I'm still here. :) The promise stands.

Sullivan out.

The Trifecta

It's like we're scared of getting good. The worst of me has brought out the worst in a lot of people. There are a few though, who I know my worst makes them their best. There are three people in Toronto who have been there and stuck with me through the past ten years. There would have been four, but sadly she passed.

Don't tell Jay I'm writing a blog, I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. Which is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I hate every word I write. I keep trying to make it better but this is the first challenge that's ever made me feel stupid. My prof is so kind and keeps trying to encourage me to see this through. Then it's over, finally. I know me, I'll probably wait five minutes and get bored and find some new challenging project. My brain is on overdrive and it won't calm down.

Maybe I'll do a PhD. Maybe I'll adopt another rescue animal. Maybe I'll learn yet another language. I literally can't stop. It's a beautiful trauma. I annoy myself.

Back in the day, when I left the jdubs I was lucky enough to get a good job. I had mentors and friends that I keep to this day. Three of them. One of them became my best friend. The other two never miss a birthday or a Christmas without a lunch or dinner.

They have definitely seen the worst of me. But they bring out the best in me. They celebrate my successes. In ten years of me being at my worst they haven't left me. The best in me wants to love them back. The worst of me has come out with everyone. I don't want to hurt people or lose people anymore.

Knowing you have your people who will always love you no matter what side of you they see that day? I have some other really great friends now. Jay is slowly helping me change from Blackbird to a Phoenix. But the Trifecta factor has been there with me in the trenches since the start. They think I'm strong. They see potential. They are all smart and successful so if they believe it, so should I. The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places. They will never know how much I love them. How much I needed them. :)

Sullivan out.

Lest we Forget

You know what I hate about all my job jumping? I never have the right clothes. So I have a closet full of thousands of dollars of corporate stuff which I hope I don't need ever again but if things get bad I might have to go back. I don't get rid of them.

Then I have my dog walking/work in a flower shop stuff. I can't get rid of those either. I still have to do both those things.

Now I run a boutique, money is scarce because an MBA is too expensive, but I need to dress the right way. Apparently after yesterday, that means layers and layers of clothes that reflect the store and during Christmas market the door never closes. I'm happy there but still cold to my bones from that never ending shift. I guess it doesn't matter what I wear because I have this awesome coat and a hat and mitts and that's what I'll be wearing every day since winter came way too early.

That's the thing Game of Thrones got right about: winter, it is coming. You just don't know when. This time last year I was out in a sweatshirt playing ball with my dog in the leaves. This year, different story.

Let me be devil's advocate for a minute and have a say. I'm late on my Remembrance Day blog. I was processing everything. Y'all know I'm not racist or have any sense of superiority being a white, straight girl with blonde hair. *hello asian guy in my bed, italian dog (also in my bed), black hair stylist/awesome friend, indian boss and all my gay besties.*

I kinda don't think what we did to Don Cherry was right. Am I all for immigrants? Sure. But Trudeau has put us in this spot where he spends so much money on that, our veterans suffer. They can't afford to live. But Trudeau will give millions of dollars to terrorists who have killed our people. So maybe Don should have been mad at Trudeau instead. I don't know. But didn't we love Cherry all these years because you never knew what he would wear and what he would say next?

If you don't want to wear a poppy, that's your choice. You probably don't have both sets of grandfathers who fought the war, lived through it, but it took it's toll. There are no winners or losers in war, just survivors. And yes that is a very thinly veiled reference to my life. 

I'm proud to be Canadian and to honour the ones that came before me by wearing a poppy. Should he have mentioned his feelings on TV? Probably not. But hear me out. Isn't that one of the freedoms our forefathers fought for? Freedom of speech.

The world is changing and we need to change with it. We're breaking a lot of unwritten rules that used to be lived by. But where does it end? Where does the freedom come from if we have to watch every word we say, everything we do. If that's your thing, might as well just  join a cult :)

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.(MLK) I think we all deserve the freedom of speech and the life that we were granted by our forefathers. For that I am grateful and sorry for those of us who don't get a second chance. No one is perfect. At least he's not suggesting we build a wall. :) 

Sullivan out. Peace. 

Beauty in the Breakdown

You know how when you're a kid you have a certain idea about how your life would turn out? I did. And I made it happen. It looked perfect from the outside. I had what everyone I knew wanted. I had a secret. I was horribly miserable so I broke it and started again. This time, it's not that pretty picture in my head. If you could see what's coming you wouldn't worry about today.

My corporate suits hang in the closet and never get touched. I think I have an unused marriage ring around here somewhere. I have a family I don't know anymore. And I'm home alone on a Saturday night because I'd rather wait for Jay to come back than go anywhere. I have two rescue kids one of which is a psychopath. Our wi-fi is literally "Rosie is Satan's span." I quit jobs whenever I want because I know I'm opening my own business and all this is just temporary. I get offered jobs every week so I'm not really worried.

I had a particularly bad day today and I'm talking to my girlfriend who has recently gone through a difficult breakup. She said, you know there is beauty in the breakdown. You let the negative leave your life and then you're open to the new. Being older and wiser, I think we make better decisions. All those plans that ended in disaster, all the broken happy ever afters...they got us to where we needed to be. Do I hate Filipino food? Of course I do. But I love Jay. I love my friends and I love their kids more than I thought I could. I love not wearing suits. I love wearing my stupid bell bottoms and big hoop earrings. I love being able to be my authentic self and not get judged for it. I love every day I get because I know I'm living on borrowed time.

There is beauty in the breakdown. Being able to speak our mind, tell our truth and move on. We need to remember that when we have a bad day. Cause a bad day can be a great day with one phone call and one perfect blog title. Being happy is the best revenge. It's a beautiful trauma. :)

Sullivan out.

Mirror in the Sky what is Love?

Can the child withing your heart rise above?

Do you ever feel so alone. Like no one in the goddamn universe understands you?

Like your friends never listen to your advice no matter how valid it is. You've see the other side, you know the outcome. That guy is not worth your tears. So they hang up and say they'll call you back. 'They don't cause they know I'm right. They drive to see him. Cause god forbid he made a tiny little  effort. A phone call.

So let's waste sleepless nights and insecurities and let that bad guy ruin a good girl. She sighs. When are men going to become better and people stop blaming us for making bad decisions. We're in a world of deciding what is the best of bad decisions available to us.

My guy is not perfect but he's the best guy I know. I didn't get everything I wanted, I wanted to have children. He didn't until it was too late.

He's pretty awesome all the other times. he picks movies for us to watch that he thinks I'll like. We watched one last night. Of course it was adorable, I love Rachel McAdams. It was a love story but the real love story was his family, him and his dad. Kinda reminded me of my dad.

Dad dies, movie ends. I cried. Then I couldn't stop. I was pretty bad, sobbing, and I'm an ugly crier so I looked worse today. When my uncle passed, my cousin called me. She's like, I'm sorry you didn't know he was sick. And that you had to hear this, this way. I smiled and said this is probably how I will find out my dad died. My aunt says I have to get over  him.

I was really upset after the movie. Granted I'm a Pisces and we cry a lot. But when I looked at Jay I knew he will never really understand, no one will. We have all had these different journeys but with my dad it's like a sword in my heart that I can't take out and will always carry on taking it with me. If I try to grab it, it cuts up my hands and I'm just the loser who cared too much. The rest of them? I don't really care. I was a daddy's girl and besides Grandma, he's the only one I will cry for.  But I won't be at the funeral.

Sullivan out.