I think I wanna marry you

"It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you." - Bruno Mars

My little sister is getting married. Don't ever let your best friend and your sister get engaged in the same week. It's very high maintenance. Y'all know my philosophy on it: "If it ain't broke, don't marry it." I can understand how to people who have never been through it before it can seem very exciting.

And it is. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life even though I spent the entire night before not sleeping, wondering if I was making a mistake. (It wasn't a mistake. If I went back in time I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing the outcome.) :)

Getting divorced though is a different story. Statistically speaking, one of these two marriages will end up the same way mine did. But I hope both of them beat the odds and live happily ever after. 

I used to be such a romantic. I loved old movies, read all the classics over and over again, had poetry books on my coffee table. Then I became jaded. I guess everything spiraled so far out of my control that I just lost whatever that was that was such a big part of me. 

But I still believe in love. Maybe not romantic love, but love is what gets us out of bed in the morning. It's what we go to work for, it's what we come home to. 

I was talking to my therapist last week. He's been through a similar life as me, written papers on escaping a controlling religion and losing everything in the process. He gets me. 

Me: When does it go away? The nightmares, the sadness, the fight against the old life?

Him: It doesn't. It gets better. It doesn't go away. 

He's always honest. My last boyfriend said he was a terrible doctor for telling me that, but I think that's what makes him a good doctor. 

This is why I don't date anymore. They all just want me to get "fixed". There is no way to do that. And I don't see myself as broken. 

Then I told him that what I missed most about the old me was how much I felt, how much I cared. I still care about people. But not the way I used to. He didn't think it was a bad thing. He said I used to be at an extreme level on one side of this, now I'm at the other end. It will even itself out. 

I got up the next day and went to the Christmas market with my adopted family. T made me a card. She held my hand and I caught up with "mom". I met up with some girlfriends after they left and I came home feeling a slight flicker of all that stuff I miss about me. 

Whether we get married, get divorced or stay single our whole lives, what provides us with the best love is family. If that is our biological family or the family we make for ourselves...that's the love that keeps us grounded, that helps us through hard times, that makes our hearts feel full. Find your family. And then work hard to keep them close. 

Sullivan out.