Giving Thanks

Re-post. Yes. I re-post this every Thanksgiving. I think it's one of my better blogs.  It's easy to give in to self pity and judge other people. I got in trouble this week for giving a blanket to a homeless man on my street. My neighbours didn't think it was good for the building. All I saw was a man who was lost and cold.

This thanksgiving, I'll eat turkey. I will be surrounded by people who love me. Let's not forget about the other half. Being thankful for what we have should automatically make us want to share what little or large we have with the less fortunate.

I'm still committed to the life I lead outside of the JW community. It hasn't been easy. But it's been worth it. There are so many people and so many life events that I am so grateful for. I give thanks every day. :)

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving. Being lucky enough to live in Canada and have a job, for most of the people I know, this particular long weekend means turkey dinners, drinking wine, washing dishes, spending time with family and friends. I'm actually trying to fit in three separate Thanksgiving dinners this weekend if you can believe that. Two years ago I would have laughed at the idea that life could come so full circle.

There are so many things we have to be grateful for, not just this weekend, but every day. Family, friends, health, home, money, the list goes on and on. We are very lucky.

But this year the thing I am most grateful for is Freedom. Freedom of choice, freedom of thought, freedom of speech. Things that people have fought for over the centuries, but I never really understood how absolutely necessary these things are to true happiness until recently.

I ran into a friend from a past life yesterday. She still lives the way I used to, being told how to think, what to say, who to be friends with, who she can talk to, who she can date, who she can love. She's not a very happy person.

But, because of how she's conditioned to think, she looked at me with a mixture of pity and condescencion. When she asked how I was, I thought for a second about all the things I wanted to say.

I wanted to tell her that with the barriers that kept me at arms length from my family removed, I have a closer relationship with them that I ever would have. I wanted to tell her that now that I no longer have to go through life secretly judging and trying to change people, people like me so much better. I wanted to tell her I finally have true, loyal friends who I know would never walk away from me just because someone else told them they had to. I wanted to tell her that I don't have to live in fear of that ever happening to me again.

I thought briefly about the fact that I don't have to be eternally single like her, because I can date whoever I want, instead of being forced to choose a romantic partner from a tiny pool of people who are "acceptable" to the group.

Thoughts ran through my head about how much I love my job, my apartment, my friends, my complete freedom to choose to live the life I want to live, not the life someone else is dictating for me. And how much more interesting it is to be able to bring anyone into your life that you want, just based on who they are as a person and not their religious views or lifestyle choices.

I wanted to tell her how strong I felt having been able to make those changes to my life and move on. But she never would have believed me anyway. So I just smiled and said "I'm great". And I am.

With a worried look that showed clearly she thought I was hiding my internal pain and suffering under a brave external smile, and a hug, we walked away from each other.

This Thanksgiving, I feel like the war I've been fighting the past couple of years is finally over. There are still a few battle wounds that will take a little longer to heal, but thank the universe, I am free. :)

Mother's Day

I know a lot of people feel this is just a Hallmark holiday, but I like any excuse show love and make people feel special, whether or not Hallmark makes a few bucks on my account. 

Looking over the FaceBook feed and Instagram today, with the eclectic group of people I'm now connected too, there are two distinct groups who are posting. The first group are the lucky ones, who have great relationships with their moms, who are posting happy pictures of them together, either now or from when they were kids. Sidepoint: It's amazing how many girls look exactly like their mother did at their age. I am not one of them. 

The second group, the not so lucky ones. There are many reasons people have either lost their mothers or lost touch with them. The ones I know though, it's always the same story. It's my story. 

Many of them are extremely sad today, feeling the effects of knowing the people around them are off to brunches and lunches and dinners with happy cards telling their mom how she's one of the most important people in their life. And our mothers are probably also one of the most important people in our lives - how can she not be? She's our mother. But she shuns us. Based entirely on the one decision we ever made to completely disappoint her - we left her cult. 

To the first group, I've gotta say, I'm nothing but happy for you. You have something very special - although we all know that no family is ever perfect. To the second group I would just say, if you need to feel a little sad today, that's okay. There will always be situations in life that will make us miss them. Big life changes, accomplishments, marriages, babies, there are so many situations where you imagined your mother would be by your side. I get it and I can sympathize.

Despite the fact that my mother is out of my life for good this time, I don't feel sorry for myself. It's sad, yes. I am grateful though for all the effort she put into raising us as a single mom. Would I have chosen to be raised in a cult and then shunned/unshunned continually for the past 6 years? No. But she did the best she could while we were growing up. She used to sew us dresses, made sure we had good values and we always had a cozy home. 

Today, on Mother's Day, I really don't feel a void. She stopped being my mother six years ago. And there's a good chance it happened much, much earlier than that. Over the past few years and especially lately, others have stepped in. Aunts, stepmom, Grandma, and even oddly enough one of my ex's mom  - they have shared the role that is currently vacant in my life. 

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this - that the word family doesn't always mean what we think it does. Through my extended and adopted network of "moms" I've found the one thing I always wanted and could never get from my own mother - unconditional love. 

If you haven't already done so, find the "family" that loves you for you. While that won't always heal the wounds of a Mother's Day without your birth mother,  it goes a long way to helping you feel grateful for what you do have, feel loved and feel not quite so alone. 

Remember, the Universe is our Mother and she is always looking out for us. She wants you to be happy and accepts you the way you are. As you think about that, pour a glass of wine or eat some ice cream. Run a bath or read a good book. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Tomorrow is a new day. 

Happy Mother's Day to all those wonderful, supportive moms out there. You deserve to be celebrated. 

Sullivan out.