Sort of Revolution

I'm very bad at being zen. I try. I go to yoga. I've read a tonne of books on the subject. One of my therapists (yes I have two, stop judging me) is also actually a spiritual teacher. I signed up for a Buddhist meditation class with my brother a few weeks ago. We have to do homework every day. Thank the Universe I'm not back at work yet, I have no idea how I'd fit it all in. 

Yet, I still worry. All the time. Halfway through my meditation class this morning, I got a panic attack and had to leave. Crying. The teacher came out and said don't worry about it. You've been through hell. Would you like a hug? The amazing kindness of strangers is almost overwhelming at times. It just made me cry more. 

Today is my little brother's wedding. He's such a good guy. Funny, smart, hard working. We have some complicated issues in the family. My sister didn't feel like she could be there and I decided to stay behind to be with her today. It's hard though, not being there. Not seeing him marry his beautiful high school sweetheart. Or as he will no doubt be doing, dancing like an idiot tonight, the way he did at my wedding, a million years ago. :)

The problem with families sometimes is that you just can't talk things out. Mick, Erin and I? We can talk. About everything and anything. We don't always agree, but we don't let that affect the love we share anymore. I know my parents love me - all three of them. I love them too. But the fact that we can't even discuss anything, ever, makes it hard to move forward. 

I know I've drawn lines in the sand. With both sides of the family, I've made a stand, a decision on where I stand on things that they don't agree with. Or would rather ignore and not speak of. I've become an unfortunate inconvenience with my absolute refusal to bury my head in the sand and take everything that gets handed out. It is probably hard for them to process, I was always the good girl. Never tried to rock the boat. 

My therapists (yes both of them) keep telling me that my problem is not standing up for myself and what I believe in. Being too much of a people pleaser. I feel that by leaving the JWs and speaking out against that organization started a sort of revolution that is spilling over into the rest of my life now. Work, family, friends. Once you've come so far, there's no going back. Not for me anyways. 

Come so far. Let me know when we get there...if we get there...