First Cut is the Deepest

I've been fighting with my ex-husband. He's lazy and we haven't been able to get him off my life insurance policy for 6 years. Jesus, dude, all you have to do is fill out a paper.

Due to recent events, I need that taken care of. I have Max now. He got hit by a car a few weeks ago and it cost almost $1,000. What about when he gets old and someone needs to pay the vet bills and something has happened to me? Also my family will need that money for all the fines they will get for the elaborate funeral I have planned for myself. : )

This was my thought process. So I've been harassing him to just do it. Opening the door again is always a bad idea, even if it's necessary. He sent me a picture of his baby. She has his eyes. I've been crying since last night. Not that I want to be back with him. I'm sure he's much happier without me and married to my ex-friend and the cult.

Me and the cult are over. Him and I are over. But we were friends since we were 15 years old. I still miss him. And part of me wishes that baby was mine. I've come to terms with the fact that I probably will never have kids now.

I've dated pretty much every guy in Toronto at this point. I'm currently in the most impossible "relationship" you could imagine. I'm gonna give it a try. I'll try. But...the first cut is the deepest.

How do you get over the people you really loved? My boss thinks I have a problem with self love. Yes sir, I do have a problem. If no one has ever loved you more than they loved some stupid cult, how do you love yourself? They make you feel insignificant, disposable, like you're a sinner for choosing to believe in something else.

Not that I know what that something else is. I do know though, that it has to be a place where we embrace our differences. Where we love each other despite any differences of opinion, race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs. A place that makes us feel safe enough to care again.

Max says hi.

Sullivan out.