The Dreamer

"The ship is safest when it's in port, but that's not what ships were built for." ~ Paulo Coelho

Life's messy. A lot of the time, it makes absolutely no sense at all.  Lately, I don't really know what to think. Why does this stuff happen? Yesterday was my uncle Ken's birthday and we all still miss him. A heart that has truly loved never forgets. I had a good friend over the other night and I was showing him pictures of my past life. 

Me: I was pretty wasn't I? I look happy. 

Him: You're still pretty and happy now. Just in a different way.

And it's true. It's been a long hard battle the past 5 years, sometimes I've looked in the mirror and I had no idea who I was. Yesterday, I started to feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Or maybe more un-like myself which would be a better thing. :)

The past month and a half have been rough. I cried so much I broke blood vessels in my eyes. But they're almost healed now and I think I'm getting there too. I love my new job. I hate change but it's challenging and new and sometimes we need to leave the port and set sail again to find something good. It doesn't mean we won't weather some storms. But the storms come and go whether we ever decide to put ourselves out there or not. 

Walking home from work yesterday, the sun was shining, I was smiling and I was surprised to realize for the first time in 6 or 7 weeks, the smile was real. It's a lot of effort to pretend to be happy and unless you've dealt with depression you may not understand just how much effort it takes. It's exhausting. 

Sometimes when the waters get rough, you think it may have been better to stay in the port. Where it felt safe. I needed to remind myself over the past weeks that it was just as much - no more - effort to pretend I was happy in an unhappy marriage. In a religion that required so much work but I didn't believe in anymore. In relationships that took and took and took and didn't give much back in return.

I think this most recent storm is over. I feel happy again. All I really need is a few good friends, a few people in my family who are always there for me. I have that. I have family and friends who have always been there for me in every way I could have possibly needed them and they always will be. Now that I'm feeling better, I'll do everything I can to repay the favor. 

I still haven't completely lost the dreamer I once was. When times get tough, I always have yoga and red lipstick and now I have a big ass dog and a sword. That's enough to fake it until it gets real again. 

Here's your Wednesday morning song: I'm just a dreamer but I'm hanging on, though I am nothing big to offer. I watch the birds how they dive in then gone. It's like nothing in the world's ever still...

Happy birthday Ken. I'm sorry I'm a day late, I couldn't find the right words last night. 

Sullivan out.