Quiet Desparation

My ex says that we all live lives of quiet desperation. He's kinda depressing sometimes. :)

He was a psych major and he's right a lot of the time. Sometimes though, he's wrong. I've had the worst year I've had in awhile. And I've been mostly quiet about it. I don't write very often. My therapist thinks I can find a balance between telling the truth and not being a complete downer to everyone who reads me because I kinda like being that inspirational feel good story. It'll be alright. Doesn't matter what happens to you, it'll all work out. That's something I tell you and myself so we don't give up, don't feel alone. My ex is right about one thing. This year I caved and lost my voice.

I gave into self doubt, self pity and lost all my self esteem. I felt like Job from the bible where anytime one crisis was over, the next one showed up immediately. I've had health issues, work issues, family issues and then one of my best friends died. And then press repeat on all the things that came before that last part of the sentence.

I understand that I've reached millions of people by writing about my disappointment with the Jehovah's Witnesses. They are actually a big and powerful and rich corporation and they almost dealt me a death blow last February by tearing me away from my family, yet again. And they made me shut up. I was honestly too sad and sick and tired to talk about them anymore.

I understand desperation. I've been there. But I don't have to be quiet about it. Controlling, aggressive, manipulative organizations will always exist. My life would have been easier if I'd just faded away and kept my mouth shut. Is easier the better way though?

Tonight my phone charger broke and I went to the store to buy a new one, because who can live without your cell phone? A huge guy walked in and he was yelling about some guy on the street who walked too close to him and how he was going to crush someone's skull if anyone else did that. I just turned around and told him he was out of line and if he planned on doing that tonight I would have to call the police (which he didn't realize I couldn't exactly do because my phone was dead). The poor Chinese guy who chit chats with me whenever I go in there was trying to get me to shut up and leave, for my own safety. I did. And I looked over my shoulder the whole two blocks home.

I guess my point is, we might never win the fights against the giants. This whole year, I've been looking over my shoulder and feeling afraid. That's why I haven't been writing. Even my dad suggested I give up on this and let someone else do the fighting. My boss believes in me though. He was the one who said we could be a murmuration. A flock of birds who fly together in formation as one. Together, we can make a difference.

Again for the hundredth time I will stress it's not the individual JWs I oppose, it's the rich, controlling organization that brainwashes people, ruins people lives, tears families apart, drives individuals to depression, PTSD, suicide.

Y'all know who you are. And I'm not going to shut up. Wait for the book - it's coming. :)

Sullivan out.