On My Own

"I dreamed a dream in time gone by. When hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die, I dreamed that God would be forgiving." 

It's that time of year y'all. I love/hate Christmas. I love wrapping presents and writing cards. But, everyone having families and posting pictures and eating turkey and smiling and hugging? Happy for them but that's not my life.

You know what I like to do since everyone is always busy for the holidays? Get a big tub of candy cane ice cream and watch Les Mis as many times as I want and cry. I figure I big girl it up enough the rest of the year, I can take a day. :)

So I've been working three jobs and now I'm probably going back to corporate in the New Year and I finished a big paper for school and I had a day to just stop. All the responsibilities were on hold until the next day. I thought, this is my day.

I grew up speaking French and have always been a book geek. Had I been allowed to go to university back then I'd probably be an English teacher. Or maybe French. But I read Les Mis (and all the classics in both languages) as a kid and go see it every time it comes to town. I'm a romantic. I love the tragedy and history but let's be honest I'm a tragedy junkie. Once I went to see it with my good friend and she didn't cry. That's when I knew she wasn't right for me. And maybe not even human.

So last night I tell Jay, maybe you should just go back to your place. I've been on my own a long time, I'm probably not the best relationship person. And I hate people seeing me cry. It's so embarrassing. But the guy would just NOT LEAVE.  Technically he lives here so I can't really ask him to leave anyways. He's like, it's okay, do what you have to do.

I put on the movie and was crying in the first fifteen minutes. Then I just went with it and cried all night. He still didn't leave. Apparently I'm going to Christmas Eve dinner and midnight mass with his family this year. Another thing I like to do alone.

I guess I have to change my thinking though. It's been almost a decade since everything went wrong, and there's no need to put up walls to keep people out anymore. These people signed up for the real me, not who I had to pretend to be most of my life. They love me the way I am.

I think 2019 is going to be a good year. New beginnings are kinda my thing.